...drained. That is how I feel right now. Just completely, drained, yet again. Nightmares have flared up, and they were just starting to get better. I feel so alone in dealing with them. There is nothing anyone can really do, or it is too much for them that they don't want anything to do with it. Others minimize it, avoid it or brush it off as nonsense, or that I am just trying to get attention. Maybe I ask for help the wrong way.
I wonder, if this whole time I have been "healing" if I really was making the progress I thought. That I really was getting better. Now it just feels like I was in people pleaser mode. It's because people only want to be around me when I am doing good, or okay. When my world is fine and nothing is broken. But when I start struggling again I get the cold shoulder. I feel like I have to start over.
Today is one of those days where I really want to talk to someone. Really want to/need to. About anything. About life. About how I am feeling. Just talking, listening. Usually, when this happens, I will flip through the numbers on my phone, only to find that not a single person feels right just to "talk to."
I went on a date today. I was so scared at first. Scared, nervous, thinking of every way possible that I could screw it up. I was afraid of that because my triggers have been in overdrive lately, and I was afraid of freaking out if I got triggered. But I was fine...maybe I don't give myself enough credit.
It was a fun date. The guy is really nice, fun. And he has somewhat of a sporadic, go with the flow personality. And he does not take himself seriously. Kind of a good counter for my serious nature.
We went geo-caching, which is kind of like a modernized treasure hunt using a GPS. We spent some time talking to each other, getting to know each other better and such. As we neared our destination we had to start hiking. It was a fun hike (we later found out we took the long, hard way...aka, made our own path when there was a perfectly carved path just west of us). Sad to say, we got to the location and there was no treasure to be found. We were quite disappointed, but not too disappointed.
We walked back the easy way to where the car was parked. Next to the parking lot is a stream. We decided to have a little more fun and have a skipping rock contest. I would say it was a draw, that our talents at skipping rocks were fairly matched...but my date would say otherwise. He deemed himself champion.
I actually had a good time...that kind of surprised me. It was hard, at first. At the beginning of the date I was so nervous that I had a hard time talking. But as the date went longer I got a little more comfortable. It was probably one of the best dates I've been on...as in a date where I wasn't constantly trying to talk myself through it. I just did my best to have fun. And it worked.
This song really does a good job describing how I am feeling right now. I know I posted it already, but I kind of needed to get out there what I have been struggling with these past few weeks.
I still wonder if I am human at times. Because my behavior, or the way I react to some things, or how I feel...it is just so out there for others. They are not sure how to handle me. I'm not even sure of that.
Part of me believes that I am just pretending to be human. Acting out that everything is all right so I fit in...don't scare people away. Fake it til I make it. But sometimes I can't fake it...and when I stop faking it, people turn and run 100 mph in the opposite direction. The phrase in the song: "I've been believing in something so distant, as if I was human. And I've been denying this feeling of hoplessness in me." Have I really, this whole time, been working towards something that isn't real? Has my healing been an illusion, or a facade that I present to the world? A facade that was so convincing that I even fooled myself? Am I human? And if I am not, then what am I? I am like a human...I try to act human. But is that enough.
"I have nothing left...and all I feel is this cruel wanting." What else can I do? What do I have left to give/offer? I have this wanting in my heart...my deep desire to be real and to feel connected to someone. To be okay. To no feel like I'm always having to put on a show for everyone. I want to be human.