healing gracie

This song really does a good job describing how I am feeling right now. I know I posted it already, but I kind of needed to get out there what I have been struggling with these past few weeks.

I still wonder if I am human at times. Because my behavior, or the way I react to some things, or how I feel...it is just so out there for others. They are not sure how to handle me. I'm not even sure of that.

Part of me believes that I am just pretending to be human. Acting out that everything is all right so I fit in...don't scare people away. Fake it til I make it. But sometimes I can't fake it...and when I stop faking it, people turn and run 100 mph in the opposite direction. The phrase in the song: "I've been believing in something so distant, as if I was human. And I've been denying this feeling of hoplessness in me." Have I really, this whole time, been working towards something that isn't real? Has my healing been an illusion, or a facade that I present to the world? A facade that was so convincing that I even fooled myself? Am I human? And if I am not, then what am I? I am like a human...I try to act human. But is that enough.

"I have nothing left...and all I feel is this cruel wanting." What else can I do? What do I have left to give/offer? I have this wanting in my heart...my deep desire to be real and to feel connected to someone. To be okay. To no feel like I'm always having to put on a show for everyone. I want to be human.