I think I am doing worse right now than I am letting others know. Ok, I know I am doing worse. That became clear to me as I was meeting with my counselor tonight. I am doing good...I'm ok, surviving and not in a crisis or anything. But I am doing worse in a lot of areas.
Mostly relationships...any kind of relationship. I guess it is still an ongoing struggle that has never really let up. I don't feel connected to anyone...I'm not close to anyone at all really. I do have those few select moments where I do feel that, but it never lasts, despite my best efforts.
Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people? I know fear has had a lot to do with that...but in knowing that I have tried to push past my fear and work on it. But even when I try it seems more like I scare people away. I try to be more of who I really am, and who I want to be...and it's not what others are used to, so it drives them away. And, naturally, because of that I feel pressured to be what others want so they don't leave. I have a really hard time with being alone. I hate it, but I don't see a way around it.
I have been feeling really lonely lately. So lonely that I will "accidentally" butt dial someone just so I have an excuse to say hi (I know, lame...and desperate). It's been hard as I've been dealing with this nightmare, no sleeping crap. I am drained, and I have needed support, but haven't really been able to find it. Heck, I even got so desperate in my loneliness a couple times that I tried to contact my counselor...I wasn't in crisis or anything...I just needed someone who understood. But I can't turn to her in that way...she reminded me of that tonight. I must admit, I do struggle with that boundary when I am feeling pretty alone. I understand why it is in place, and she did her best to try to not hurt my feelings. Really, my feelings weren't hurt...it was more of a feeling like I did something wrong, that I messed up again. It's hard and confusing at times when your counselor seems to be the only one who accepts you for you and doesn't give you a hard time because you are struggling. Of course that's where I would want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my counselor. I'm not sure how to deal with that...and I have no idea how to bring that up, or if I should.
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