I love music...a lot. I love to listen to music and for the past few years of healing I've been trying to listen to music that is more positive and uplifting.
I believe that music has a profound impact on the way we think and view the world. That is something I have learned and come to believe over the past few years. Music (and other types of media) has a way of entering our minds in ways we can't comprehend. The rhythms, the beats, the lyrics of a song all have an influence on our minds in some way.
Many people would disagree and say that what they listen to has no effect on them...that a song that has crude language or sensual beats won't affect them if they just listen to it for just the enjoyment of it. That if they don't pay attention to the lyrics that it won't influence their thoughts. How wrong that is. Take for example someone who wants to exercise. Listening to music that has a fast tempo helps to get you "pumped" and ready for physical activity. Or think of the reverse...listening to music that has no tempo but smooth melodies for relaxation. In both scenarios your mental state is altered by what type of music you are listening to, and in different ways. Both influence the mental, which then influences the physical in some way, whether it be prepping the body for exercise or relaxation.
There is also the spiritual impact that music has. For those of you who do not know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka Mormon). In this religion we believe that we can receive personal revelation and inspiration through the third member of the Godhead: the Holy Ghost (the other two members of the Godhead are Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ). The Holy Ghost is how Heavenly Father communicates with His children. Now, there are ways to help yourself to be more in tune with the Holy Ghost and there are ways you can hinder that communication. Music can either help or hinder your ability to be able to listen to the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost speaks "with a still, small voice." It's very subtle. Music that is very loud, or even crude, would drown out the promptings, the impressions, etc from the Holy Ghost.
Music is very powerful. Even God realizes that. There are many messages that can be communicated through music that cannot be communicated through normal speech. Those messages can be good or bad. I can look back on my healing journey and see how music has impacted me. Back when I was in middle school and high school I started to listen to goth-rock and symphonic rock music. Most of the songs were dark, about how life was all about pain and suffering...and they were just dark. The music was loud, with some intense guitar riffs. To sum it up, it was filled with intense emotion. I was drawn to this music because I could really relate to it with how I was feeling. I was feeling down, depressed, and I wasn't in a good place.
It wasn't until about two years ago that I decided to get rid of some of that music. I say some, because I'm still attached to some of it. Hey, I'm a work in progress. I am, however, slowly letting go of the dark music of my past and making room for more uplifting music in my life. And can I tell you, it had made a difference for me. The difference has been subtle, but I find my thinking to be changing somewhat in terms of how I view myself and the world. It's been hard to find some uplifting music, but with the help of friends, my counselor, and Pandora.com (thank you Pandora!) I've been able to find various artists that have really good music...and it's music that means something...it's real!
So, after that long-winded intro, I would like to start up something random: a song of the week. Every week I will try to post a link to a song that is uplifting and that has really helped me in my healing. This week's song comes from a band called BarlowGirl. They are a Christian band...and I just love them! They are probably my favorite band right now. Anyhoo, the song that is being featured this week is called "Sing Me a Love Song." I love, love, love, love this song. I really connect with this song in how I currently feel and how I hope to feel. I often try to sing it to myself on my down days when I don't feel loved. Enjoy!
Song: Sing Me a Love Song
Artist: BarlowGirl
Album: Love & War
Lyrics:
The tension is thick in the air making it hard to see
The fear of what is to come and what will become of me
I say a prayer, help me not run away
Will You please hold me?
Chorus:
And sing me a love song again
Say the words that heal my heart
Sing me Your love song and then
Let Your words remind me who I am
You never failed me before why do I feel betrayed
If I'd close my heart to You now the darkness would have its way
I crave Your voice, help me not fall away
Will You please hold me?
[Chorus]
Cause You are all I need
And all that I want is You with me
You are all I need
And all that I want is You with me
[Chorus]
I have a confession to make...
...I probably chose the worst time to start this blog. Currently, I'm in a pretty low spot...I mean really low. It is not the lowest I have been, but it is pretty darn close...and it is the lowest I've been in a while.
I will be honest, it scares the hell (pardon the French) out of me when I hit these rough spots in the healing process. It is usually during these times that I feel almost no improvement or see no progress at all. I feel frustrated and discouraged and just completely drained (emotionally and physically). One of the main reasons why this scares me is because during times like these, when things feel totally hopeless, I start having the urge to return to my old coping behaviors. Well, some of them are old, and most of them I'm currently working on changing.
Most of the ways I have coped with the abuse have been unhealthy, and at times very self-destructive...hence I am working on changing them. Easier said than done. It's like trying to change a bad habit...i.e. biting your nails, picking your nose, procrastinating, etc. It's an automatic and conditioned response to a certain situation or trigger. In a way, it's something that is "programmed" into you. Everyone has had to deal, or is currently dealing with this to some extent.
Changing a bad habit isn't easy. Changing a coping mechanism isn't either. It takes consistent effort and concentration to not react in a way that is automatic. I think one of the hardest parts of changing is recognizing and then catching yourself before you start acting out the behavior...at least for me it is. Also, there is comfort in habits...it's the norm...it's what you are used to. Even if it's harmful, it is easier to stay in the "norm" and not do the work necessary to change. It's easier to just give in rather than fight.
The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I'm having a hard time even wanting to fight, let alone finding the energy to. But I guess that is a part of healing...the hard part...maybe even the unfair part: fighting when you feel like you can't anymore. Well, I'm still here fighting...even though I don't want to.
...hmmm...that went in a totally different direction than I thought...
I had a dream last night...a pretty interesting dream. In my dream I was a little girl...about 7- or 8-years-old. To give you a visual of what I looked like at that age imagine a spunky looking girl with bleach-blond hair...frizzy-curly bleach-blond hair. I had bright blue eyes and looked somewhat mischievous...like I was up to something. Yep, that was me then...well, before the abuse.
Anyhoo, in this dream I was my child self. I was running. I don't know if I was running away from something or running to something, or just running for the heck of it. It doesn't really matter. Then all of a sudden, my feet left the ground and I took flight. I was flying! I mean really flying! I was soaring up and down, from side to side. It felt exhilarating. It was refreshing. I felt like nothing could hold me back...nothing at all. I felt free. I felt alive. And then I woke up...
I wish I could feel free like that in the real world, and not just in the world of slumber.
I was looking through some of my old journals today. These journals date back to when I was in junior high and high school. I couldn't believe some of the things I wrote about...so mundane and very repetitious. Then I came across my poetry journal. Yes, I write--or rather wrote--poetry.
I guess the reason why I don't write poetry anymore is because I'm always afraid of what will come out when I do. With poetry I tend to write what I feel and what I know (that pertains to all my writing now that I think about it). But with poetry, I don't know but it seems to tap more into the deeper stuff for me. Stuff that is buried deep in my unconscious or subconscious part of my mind. I'm afraid of it being all this dark, nightmarish stuff that has no light in it at all. I don't like the dark stuff...but I can't pretend it's not there either. Darkness thrives in obscurity...when it's not under your control. And then when you do look at it, it is more than you can bear.
So, after reading some of my poetry from my teenage years I've decided to try to take up poetry writing again. I would love to say that I have written a poem already, and I'm ready to share it with everyone...but, alas, I have not....I am not that proactive...yet. Writing poetry is difficult...it takes time, energy, and patience. It requires me to look deep inside myself. As I work on it I will be sure to share what I write. But for now, one my poems from my high school years will have to do.
In the darkness of life
There was a wild rosebush
With its delicate gems
Offering their fragrance and fragile beauty
Eyes fall upon the rosebush
She sees herself...as if looking into a mirror
Her hand reaches out
And tears fall as she understands...
...A seed of life is born into the world
Roots stretching forth into the earth
Seeking life
Is there light among the darkness?
She is still not yet in bloom
Her petals concealing a secret
They act as a wall of protection
As she is afraid to reveal her true self
Is there any beauty inside?
Beauty finds its roots
In experiences of the past
But only light gives strength enough for growth
The light exists
It rains down upon the rose
And her petals open
Receiving the light...
...Her eyes become as a mirror
Reflecting the rose
She sees into the rose, into herself
And she understands
The rose is sacred
To be admired and untouched by hand
Since the beginning of this blog I have been thinking about the numerous things I could write about. As I have pondered what to write the past few days I found myself at a loss. Not because I don't have a vast array of topics to choose from (trust me, there are plenty). No, it's been hard to pick something because there has been something just taking over all my thoughts...it's been a constant concern--no, that's not the right word...maybe worry...no that's not it either. Well, just to say, it really bothered me. I mean really bothered me. This past week it has really hit me: I don't really know who I am.
I honestly could not tell you who I am. If someone were to ask the question: "So, tell me a little about yourself," I don't know what I would say, or what I would say would be what I thought the asker was wanting to hear. I tend to be a people-pleaser. I don't know if this behavior started because I was abused, or if it was a trait that was already there but was magnified. I can see how it could have been used to as a way to survive...to protect myself. If the abuser was happy I wouldn't get hurt as much...I could lessen the intensity of the abuse...that I could make it so he wouldn't touch me often, or hit me with his hand rather than a belt, or stop screaming at me. This may be something I touch on later.
Now back to being a people-pleaser. I am what I think others want me to be. It happens almost automatically. Well, there are lots of "others" out there. There are a lot of people I interact with on a daily basis: my family, friends, people at work, fellow classmates (now former classmates), people I go to church with, my counselor, etc. Each one of those people has their own version of who I should be (or the type of person they want to be around).
Trying to "please" all these people is not easy, and as I am learning, very unhealthy for me. The result is a very fragmented, disjointed me that is broken into thousands of little pieces...like the pieces of a mirror. And each piece is reflecting something different. If you try to put it together as a whole, it does not fit, it does not work, and it does not make sense. No wonder I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
I'm usually a quiet person. I'm not one to voice my opinion, my thoughts or feelings. I'm not the kind of person who is loud or likes to call attention to herself. In fact, I usually try to stay out of the spotlight and hidden away...
But not today. Today I'm doing something different. It will be scary...it will be risky...and it will definitely be outside my comfort zone. But it will be worth it...at least, that is what I hope.
I'm going to take this step...this huge leap of faith and open up...open up and share my experiences as a survivor of child sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I want to share what the healing process has been like for me...my tears and my joy...my successes and my failures...the ups and downs. I know it will be very uncomfortable for me at times, and it may be for my readers (if I get any), too.
There are several reasons why I wanted to start this blog...most are kind of selfish, really. I want to be able to put what I've been through out there. I want to share my story and not keep it locked up and hidden away. That doesn't do anything for me or for anyone else. I also want to write down what this healing journey has been like for me, so I can process it and see the progress I've made...and also the changes I need to make in my life.
I want it to be real. I want to be real on this blog. I'm not going to "sugar-coat" anything. I'm not just going to write about the good, but also the bad and the ugly. I'm literally going to be exposing myself...sharing my hopes and dreams, along with my weaknesses and insecurities.
I also hope that what I write in this blog will give a glimpse of what it is like for survivors...that maybe it will help family and friends to see what it is like being a survivor going through the healing process.
I want to share my experiences with other survivors, and I hope that it will help them in some way. I want to help others realize that they are not alone in what they are going through and feeling. Yes, my experience is unique...everyone's experience will be different. But survivors all have something in common: we survived! We survived the abuse, and we can survive healing.
Who knows where this blog will go. It may go far, reaching people I have never met before. Or it may just stay among the few people I will share this blog with. It doesn't matter really where it goes, what matters is that I'm doing it. I am trying it...and I'm not going to let fear stop me.
So, here it goes...