healing gracie

I have a confession to make...

...I probably chose the worst time to start this blog. Currently, I'm in a pretty low spot...I mean really low. It is not the lowest I have been, but it is pretty darn close...and it is the lowest I've been in a while.

I will be honest, it scares the hell (pardon the French) out of me when I hit these rough spots in the healing process. It is usually during these times that I feel almost no improvement or see no progress at all. I feel frustrated and discouraged and just completely drained (emotionally and physically). One of the main reasons why this scares me is because during times like these, when things feel totally hopeless, I start having the urge to return to my old coping behaviors. Well, some of them are old, and most of them I'm currently working on changing.

Most of the ways I have coped with the abuse have been unhealthy, and at times very self-destructive...hence I am working on changing them. Easier said than done. It's like trying to change a bad habit...i.e. biting your nails, picking your nose, procrastinating, etc. It's an automatic and conditioned response to a certain situation or trigger. In a way, it's something that is "programmed" into you. Everyone has had to deal, or is currently dealing with this to some extent.

Changing a bad habit isn't easy. Changing a coping mechanism isn't either. It takes consistent effort and concentration to not react in a way that is automatic. I think one of the hardest parts of changing is recognizing and then catching yourself before you start acting out the behavior...at least for me it is. Also, there is comfort in habits...it's the norm...it's what you are used to. Even if it's harmful, it is easier to stay in the "norm" and not do the work necessary to change. It's easier to just give in rather than fight.

The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I'm having a hard time even wanting to fight, let alone finding the energy to. But I guess that is a part of healing...the hard part...maybe even the unfair part: fighting when you feel like you can't anymore. Well, I'm still here fighting...even though I don't want to.

...hmmm...that went in a totally different direction than I thought...