healing gracie

Since the beginning of this blog I have been thinking about the numerous things I could write about. As I have pondered what to write the past few days I found myself at a loss. Not because I don't have a vast array of topics to choose from (trust me, there are plenty). No, it's been hard to pick something because there has been something just taking over all my thoughts...it's been a constant concern--no, that's not the right word...maybe worry...no that's not it either. Well, just to say, it really bothered me. I mean really bothered me. This past week it has really hit me: I don't really know who I am.

I honestly could not tell you who I am. If someone were to ask the question: "So, tell me a little about yourself," I don't know what I would say, or what I would say would be what I thought the asker was wanting to hear. I tend to be a people-pleaser. I don't know if this behavior started because I was abused, or if it was a trait that was already there but was magnified. I can see how it could have been used to as a way to survive...to protect myself. If the abuser was happy I wouldn't get hurt as much...I could lessen the intensity of the abuse...that I could make it so he wouldn't touch me often, or hit me with his hand rather than a belt, or stop screaming at me. This may be something I touch on later.

Now back to being a people-pleaser. I am what I think others want me to be. It happens almost automatically. Well, there are lots of "others" out there. There are a lot of people I interact with on a daily basis: my family, friends, people at work, fellow classmates (now former classmates), people I go to church with, my counselor, etc. Each one of those people has their own version of who I should be (or the type of person they want to be around).

Trying to "please" all these people is not easy, and as I am learning, very unhealthy for me. The result is a very fragmented, disjointed me that is broken into thousands of little pieces...like the pieces of a mirror. And each piece is reflecting something different. If you try to put it together as a whole, it does not fit, it does not work, and it does not make sense. No wonder I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.