I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe it's something that will help calm me down. Maybe it's a cry for help. Or because I can't sleep. For the past four days I have had the urge to kill myself...yeah, you just read right...kill myself. Everything is so confusing right now and there is so much running through my head...it so overwhelming and I can't sort it out. I want to give up so badly...just end it all...it would be better that way. Right now I feel that there is somewhere inside...deep inside that wants to live. I hate that part of me right now. Why won't you just let me give up?!
These are the thoughts that have been going through my head, constantly, since Monday night this week.
There are so many thoughts in my head. So many. I can't think straight. What's true? Don't know...don't know.
I do everything wrong. Can't handle life and this. Can't handle it. too hard. Not worth it. Feel empty...cold. lost. Too much. crazy. Freak. I mess up. Too many mistakes. Only I can help myself...no one else can...but I can't even take care of myself. That makes me a burden. Can't be a burden...can't weigh down others. wrong to. need to get rid of burden. Everyone is better off without me. I should be gone. Nothing to offer. Just a burden. hopeless...shaking...tired...Too tired to fight. Not enough. Energy gone. Just want to sleep...and not wake up...just want to die...Want it to end. No one will ever love me. I'm a mess. A freak. I have no confidence. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. No one could even love that...love me like that. I'm not worth it. Too much for others. Too much. No self worth. Selt esteem. confidence. All fear. All powerless. Hopeless. Scared. Alone. Sick. pathetic. weak. Nothing. guilty. Feel sick. Everything so confusing. Can't escape. Just messing up life. Failing. Better to quit now. Nothing worth living for. Everything I want in life, hope for...for far beyond my reach...no matter what i do it will never happen. Family...husband, children. Love, closeness--intimacy (physical/emotional)...understanding...happiness...my own business. They aren't real...they don't exist for me. So unreal. Not good enough. Help others. Uplift others. Inspire others. I can't even help myself...how can I help others? Stupid...feel stupid for hoping, for dreaming. There is no hope. Counselor says that there is always hope. Where? doubting...doubting healing...doubting myself...doubting counselor...losing trust in her...in others, the gospel, the lord. Lost...I'm lost. Not worth it. I can't do this anymore. No reason. Desire to live is fading fast. I don't care. I don't even want to try. Read sticky notes...I don't deserve to be lvoed, to be nurtured or helped, to be hugged. I'm not worth it. It hurts to read them...hurts...throw up. They don't feel real. What's true? What if counselor is wrong? healing is not real. i'm broken beyond repair. I can't handle this and life. I can't...it doesn't work. doesn't make sense. Too much...doesn't fit. I want to give up How? How to give up. Stop breathing. I want to cut...cut so deep that it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm not enough. Never will be. I do everything wrong. people watch me, wait for me to mess up. I do something wrong i get punished, hurt. I want the hurt to stop. it won't stop...ever. Keep goign. no end. i won't ever get better. never wake up. never be alive. just exist, going through the motions...numb. it's wrong to take care of myself...i feel so selfish...i don't even know how...why try? so confusing. no balance. what's right/wrong? what's real/true? what's fake? why fight? why keep going? life isn't worth it...it's not...just going to get worse, harder. how can i ever handle it? too tired. don't care...don't even want to try. it hurts...head...stomach...body. too much. Time to go...Needs to end. suffocating. drowning. Can't breathe. Lost gone. Too far gone to save. Why would others care? why does counselor care? B&H? Why? I am not worth it. I can't be, I've let them down. Let everyone down. No control...no power. Lost. hopeless. shaking. I feel like a child. small...helpless...vulnerable...weak...scared. I'm alone...so alone. Curl up, shrivel away into nothingness. No, I'm still here. WHY?! I don't want to be here. It can't be true. I can't be worth it. I can't be loved. my faith is not enough...No No No. Want to scream. knife...cut...scars on skin. Cut--see blood. It's hopeless. I dn't want to live. Can't live. Not anymore. I am done. Close my eyes. Nothing. I don't know what I need. What's wrong with me. What do I need? I don't know. I want it to end. Just end! Please just let it be over. I hate life. I HATE it! I hate me...I hate me. The more I fight the worse it gets. the voices get louder...too much, drown out everything else. I can't hear anything else. There is nothing else. nothing...I am nothing. Just empty. A burden...a waste, a Freak. Can't keep going. Nothing to go to, nothing behind me...nothing inside. Just done, gone...can't breathe. There is no good...the good never lasts. It never will. What good is there in the world? There is nothing. Head hurts, stomach hurts. Slow motion inside. Fast on outside. Can't move. Don't even want to try. There is no love...love is not real...who would love a crazy suicidal person anyway? someone who hurts herself. i'm always going to be alone. so dark...empty
Posted by
Gracie
2 comments:
oh girlfriend there are times when everyone feels like this. I know that at times I don't feel like I deserve what I have, that i'm not worth anything. When was your age It was sooo hard. As I sid last night I put myself in so many bad situtations where I could get hurt or even killed. Many times I got hurt but decided it was ok because I to was damaged goods already. But sweetie there is hope. There will probably always be times where you feel hopelessness. I still sabotage myself and my relationships. I didn't think anyone would ever really love me. but guess what I found that love. sometimes when I'm in my crazy zone I doubt it and feel undeserving and push it away, fight it. but it is there and it hasn't left me yet. Let us help you. because everyone of us has gone through the same thing, felt the same way, had someone help us and are still struggling and trying everyday. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just breathe. I love you.
Wow, this was so honest. It must have been hard to be so honest. You are not the only one that feels that way, and there is support there if you only just accept it and let others help you.
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