healing gracie

It's been six months since that day where I had given up on life. I wanted nothing more to do with it. It hurt...it was unbearable...there was no hope...no light whatsoever. Six months ago, today, I tried to end my life. But it was also six months ago that a small part of me (a really small part) had the fight to keep going. There was a part of me that night that chose to live, even though I didn't want to. Whether that choice was based on fear, a rude awakening, divine intervention...it really doesn't matter. I made a choice to keep going in those dark hours...and because of that I am still here.

It was also through the choices of others who love and care about me that helped me to continue in that choice to live. My counselor, who I owe so much to for recognizing that I was not in a healthy place and got me the help that I needed. I think it is safe to say that she was a major factor in saving my life during that time. My family, who supported me, even though they didn't really know what was going on. The few friends that I told, who listened with concern and offered whatever help they could. To the women I go to group with...their support and words of encouragement helped me to not feel so alone. The doctors and nurses who took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself...who helped me to work through what I was going through in a safe environment. This may seems strange, but even the other patients. I look back, and it was like we were all trying to help each other out...this group of people who were suicidal, delusional, drug addicts, alcoholics...just tons of different people...we were trying to help each other to make it through...to make it through one more day.

As I was driving home from group session tonight...that is what I was thinking about. It is still hard to think about the time I was in the hospital. It's hard to remember myself in that place...that state of mind. It still brings tears to my eyes. But I am making it...and I've come a long ways since that day in June. A long ways.

Thank you to those who helped to keep me going.


*Side-note: It has also been six months since I last cut! And that is to the day as well. I wanted to share that in group session tonight, but I am always hesitant to draw attention to myself. I'm kind of upset that I didn't, because I wanted to share with those women something big that I have accomplished...and it hasn't been easy. Maybe with a little help I will in the next session.