healing gracie

A couple weeks back I had a major panic experience. It was triggered because I came face-to-face with one of my past abusers. Yeah, not a good experience there. I freaked out afterwards...really freaked out. Had a hard time breathing, was crying, shaking uncontrollably, and felt really dizzy. I felt fear, the same fear and panic that I remember feeling as a child.

How did this encounter happen? Well, my mother had called me to let him (my abuser) into her house. Now, I must clarify, this man did not sexually abuse me. His abuse was mostly emotional with physical intimidation. Don't get me wrong, it was horrible what he did to me. He told me I deserved the abuse that happened in my childhood and used that and other tactics to try to control me (even going as far as threatening to kill me). Yeah, scary situation there.

Now the question must be going through your head: Why did my mom ask me to do that, or rather how could she? She knows how I feel about this guy. She has even witnessed some of the things he has done to me. How could she even ask me to face him like that?!

The other question is, how could I have said yes? This came up in group tonight. Why did I agree to do something I definitely did not want to do. Why? Why? Why? I really didn't think much about why I had agreed to go. I had just stuck with the excuse I gave everyone else (and apparently myself): I thought I could handle it. Yeah, it became apparent very quickly that I was not able to handle it. Nope.

My counselor had brought up being afraid to let my mother down. I think that had somewhat to do with it, but it wasn't the complete reason. She asked me what my thought process was when my mom called me up and asked to do this "favor" for her. It took me a while to bring up what my thought process was at the time.

Yeah, the rest of group that night I kind of zoned out (tuning back in on occassion so no one would notice how bothered I was, or upset, but the upset part came later after my epiphany). I kept going through the scenario over and over in my mind, trying to replay what went through my head that night when my mother called. I won't lie, that was pretty hard to do. I've noticed that I have a gift for blocking out painful stuff.

Well, what happened was this:
-My mother called me to ask if I would let this guy in (he was locked out of her house).
-I said no, that I really didn't want to.
-My mom said she knew, but really needed me to help (or something like that, I wasn't really listening).
-At this point I had tuned my mother out...what I was focused on were the array of memories that had started flowing through my mind. These memories included one incident where this man couldn't get into the house (this was when I was a child still) and he went around the house beating on the doors and windows until I finally let him in. I was pretty shaken by that.
-I reluctantly agreed to go do the task I was asked to do, and was totally dreading it.

What do those memories have to do with me answering yes to my mother? It makes sense that it would be out of fear for myself...that if I didn't comply with my mother's request that he would come after me somehow. I think that was part of, but only part of it.

No, the reason hit me in the middle of group, and it almost through me off. I did it to protect my mom. I didn't want my mom to receive his wrath for me not doing a simple thing as going and unlocking a door. I didn't want my mom to get hurt. My actions that night were the result of me feeling like I had to protect my mom, and because of that I put myself in a situation where I did not feel safe.

Hmmm...I think there is something to learn here. Definitely something to address with my counselor.