This is not a good pattern to be in. Nope. Because of all the emotional upheaval lately, I have just felt so drained and exhausted. What is there to remedy that? Naturally, sleep. So I sluggishly get into my pj's and try to go to sleep. Only my mind keeps on ticking for what seems to be hours. I toss and turn for a while only to realize that my efforts to fall asleep have proven vain.
Eventually I do drift off into the world of slumber, but I must say that my sleep lately has been anything but restful. Every night for the past two weeks I have had nightmares. Each one of them has had at least one of my abusers in it...and it has been very vivid. By this I mean that the details, imagery, feelings, etc. are so real to my senses that my mind registers what I am experiencing in the dream as really happening. My nightmares are not pretty, and lately it's been the more invasive ones. I wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. I feel all shaky and panicky and oftentimes very sick. No wonder I wake up in the morning feeling even more tired than when I went to bed. I'm constantly being violated in my sleep...and it is so draining emotionally, physically, mentally.
I don't know why my nightmares have been so terrible lately. The last time they were this bad was before I was in the hospital last year. That's pretty bad. I am betting that something has triggered it, but I am not sure what. All I can say is that it is really starting to wear down on me.
I don't know what it is, but there is something about this time of year that really gets to me. For some reason I really struggle a lot between the months of February and May. And I have no clue why. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I have been struggling a lot lately. It has been one heck of a battle. Then I started looking back over these past couple of years and I noticed that a lot of my hardest moments were during this time, during the transition of winter into spring. I don't get it. I keep searching my mind, trying to find some reason why I always seem to have the hardest time fighting during these months. My mind has revealed nothing yet.
How I do not like you. This feeling has been settling with me for the past couple weeks now. I know part of it has to do with breaking up with my ex, because now all the time I was spending with him has now all of a sudden become open. I know that's normal, especially where I don't have much of a social life outside of that dating experience and group.
We talked about it in group this past session, actually. One of the other group members was struggling with feeling alone. And everything she said I was saying in my head: "Yep, that is how I feel" or "I still struggle with that." I really felt for her because I know how it feels not to be able to connect to anyone. I, myself, have had those days or nights where I feel alone and need a friend. I get out my phone and go through the hundreds of names in my contact list...and none of them seem to be an option to call. I easily talk myself out of it. Oh, they are busy. Or, it is so last minute. Or they are probably out with their significant other. The scenarios I draw up are endless. Or there is the fear of being rejected.
I have made some progress in this area, and in doing my part of reaching out. But it seems to have little result. I try to call up people, spend time talking with others at activities or church. I guess you can say I have a pretty good group of casual friends (as in I can go have fun with them and they don't know a thing about my dark past). Why I think it hasn't been much of a success: there are times where I will see these people and hear them talking about what they did last Friday night. Or I will see pics on facebook of them having a great time and wonder why I wasn't invited, or why they didn't let me know about the activity when most of the people in my group I chat with on a regular basis. I know there is a thinking error in there somewhere, but where. I just keep going back to I must be doing something wrong, or not enough.
Well, that is enough rambling for now. That's me, dealing with loneliness. And I hate it. Can I just say that! It totally sucks. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have nightmares galore going on...but that is a post for a later time.
Thanks for listening.
This week's song is so deep. That is all I have to say about it.
Song: Lost in Paradise
Artist: Evanescence
Album: Evanescence
I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Alone, and lost in paradise
I mean, butt. Anyhoo, I am not going to let this bring me down. Nope. I've come too far to let it all fall to pieces now. I'm not going to give in that easy. I'm not going to give in at all! I'm not a victim. I am a survivor. I can live and not let abuse rule my life. Or fear. Or confusion. Or any of that other negative crap! Nice try Satan, this girl's not going down!
Today is one of those days. I am in victim-mode again. How could I have let myself get back here? How?! All day I've been bombarded with thoughts of everything I have done wrong, and that I am still doing wrong. I feel like I'm a freak because I can't seem to handle every day situations normally. I feel like I am crazy, and that I am not normal. And because of that, that I will always be alone...because in the end people will have enough of my shit and run away. People can handle it, but only to a certain point. So at what point do I suck it up and push it aside and pretend I'm not being affected by it. And I what point to I vocalize that I'm not doing ok. Where is the balance?
This whole relationship thing has been hard. During the process of breaking up it was a struggle. It was a lot of pain, confusion, and feeling like I had done something wrong because it was hurting the guy I broke up with. I felt so bad that I wanted to hurt myself. And that is where I am today. After trying to talk it out, get my feelings out there, I've been thrown into a position where I am looked at as acting irrationally. That I'm not normal. That I am a freak. And for the first time in a really long time I have wanted to cut...really wanted to.
This is a hard fight right now. And I am facing it alone. Why is it when it gets hard, no one wants to be there to help you through it?
Well, it has been an interesting past couple of months. I haven't been on here to update anything because life has been so busy. I was juggling two jobs, trying to start a photography business, and I was dating someone pretty seriously. Now I have a little more free-time on my hands. Why? No longer dating someone. Yes, I am single again--or is it as usual?
This was the first relationship I had been in, well, in a while. At it was probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in. We even talked about marriage. We spent time together whenever we could match up our schedules. We talked for hours on the phone. And we were pretty open and honest with each other. I like him, and he liked me. He knew about my past and tried to cope with it as best he could...telling me he would be there every step of the way.
Then enter the drama. I started having a lot of triggers when I was around him. Those were hard, but I was able to manage those (most of the time, anyway). No, the hard part was the pressure that I was feeling. That pressure built as he told me his feelings on marriage and that he had an experience that told him that I was the "one." I felt pressured to live up to that. And I felt pressured because that is what I am supposed to do...move forward even if it is uncomfortable. I felt pressure from my friends, from the ward I am in (it is a single's ward afterall). But I wasn't ready. It was too much too fast and I needed a breather. I felt like I was suffocating, in a sense.
So I talked to my now ex and told him that I needed a break. He wondered why, and naturally wondered if it was him. It didn't, at least not at the time. Enter in 3 weeks of drama where I was on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I think I can say the same for my ex. I knew what I needed to do. I had prayed about it...pondered it. I even gave myself scheduled quiet time to think it through. All I needed after that was a break from my ex. Well, he made that pretty hard. He kept texting and such asking when I would be "ready." All I could tell him was that I did not know.
Long story short, I went back and forth questioning myself whether I had made the right decision to take a break. I questioned it a lot because of what my ex had said to me over the next few weeks. And what he kept telling me was pressuring me more. I felt trapped and that I was being forced towards a decision I wasn't ready to make. I was overwhelmed and it was taking it's toll on me. And it took its toll on him. For that I feel horrible. I even had a break down over it (not going to go into that one).
End of long story...we broke up more than we intended. I at first needed a break, but the continuous pressure pushed me further away that I lost my desire to keep going in, especially where I was questioning whether or not I wanted the relationship to go further.
I handled the break up pretty well, for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I broke up with him...in fact, I feel like a load of pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No, the hardest part of this whole thing is dealing with the being alone part...the fear of being alone and wondering if anyone can handle me. My ex was a really great guy, don't get me wrong there. He was very patient at first, very understanding, and always willing to listen. He kept making sure that things he was doing weren't triggering to me and such. And he said he would "wait for me to be ready" and help me through the process. That he loved me enough that he would. But me freaking out, getting scared, and triggered, and feeling pressured, that my choice was being taken away, it got too hard. He couldn't stand me taking a step back when he wanted to go forward. I had to take a step back, for my own sake really. It caused him a lot of pain though.
That's my fear: is there going to be anyone who can handle what I have to deal with when it comes to my past. I don't choose for this "stuff" to come up. All that's in my power is to choose how I handle it. And I am still learning to handle things in a healthy way. But maybe I am too much for someone to handle. Too much emotions, too much physical withdrawal, too much fear, lack of trust, etc. No one wants to deal with that, and I wonder if I should expect anyone too. I realize I have to do my part, and I feel that I did when it came to this relationship. I went well beyond my comfort zone. And it was a terrifying experience at times. It's just so hard right now, wondering if there is someone who can love me for me...all of me. Not just the parts they like and try to push the "nonsense" stuff out of view. It hurts...a lot.
What if my heart is too broken to love...and to give?