healing gracie

Well, it has been an interesting past couple of months. I haven't been on here to update anything because life has been so busy. I was juggling two jobs, trying to start a photography business, and I was dating someone pretty seriously. Now I have a little more free-time on my hands. Why? No longer dating someone. Yes, I am single again--or is it as usual?

This was the first relationship I had been in, well, in a while. At it was probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in. We even talked about marriage. We spent time together whenever we could match up our schedules. We talked for hours on the phone. And we were pretty open and honest with each other. I like him, and he liked me. He knew about my past and tried to cope with it as best he could...telling me he would be there every step of the way.

Then enter the drama. I started having a lot of triggers when I was around him. Those were hard, but I was able to manage those (most of the time, anyway). No, the hard part was the pressure that I was feeling. That pressure built as he told me his feelings on marriage and that he had an experience that told him that I was the "one." I felt pressured to live up to that. And I felt pressured because that is what I am supposed to do...move forward even if it is uncomfortable. I felt pressure from my friends, from the ward I am in (it is a single's ward afterall). But I wasn't ready. It was too much too fast and I needed a breather. I felt like I was suffocating, in a sense.

So I talked to my now ex and told him that I needed a break. He wondered why, and naturally wondered if it was him. It didn't, at least not at the time. Enter in 3 weeks of drama where I was on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I think I can say the same for my ex. I knew what I needed to do. I had prayed about it...pondered it. I even gave myself scheduled quiet time to think it through. All I needed after that was a break from my ex. Well, he made that pretty hard. He kept texting and such asking when I would be "ready." All I could tell him was that I did not know.

Long story short, I went back and forth questioning myself whether I had made the right decision to take a break. I questioned it a lot because of what my ex had said to me over the next few weeks. And what he kept telling me was pressuring me more. I felt trapped and that I was being forced towards a decision I wasn't ready to make. I was overwhelmed and it was taking it's toll on me. And it took its toll on him. For that I feel horrible. I even had a break down over it (not going to go into that one).

End of long story...we broke up more than we intended. I at first needed a break, but the continuous pressure pushed me further away that I lost my desire to keep going in, especially where I was questioning whether or not I wanted the relationship to go further.

I handled the break up pretty well, for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I broke up with him...in fact, I feel like a load of pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No, the hardest part of this whole thing is dealing with the being alone part...the fear of being alone and wondering if anyone can handle me. My ex was a really great guy, don't get me wrong there. He was very patient at first, very understanding, and always willing to listen. He kept making sure that things he was doing weren't triggering to me and such. And he said he would "wait for me to be ready" and help me through the process. That he loved me enough that he would. But me freaking out, getting scared, and triggered, and feeling pressured, that my choice was being taken away, it got too hard. He couldn't stand me taking a step back when he wanted to go forward. I had to take a step back, for my own sake really. It caused him a lot of pain though.

That's my fear: is there going to be anyone who can handle what I have to deal with when it comes to my past. I don't choose for this "stuff" to come up. All that's in my power is to choose how I handle it. And I am still learning to handle things in a healthy way. But maybe I am too much for someone to handle. Too much emotions, too much physical withdrawal, too much fear, lack of trust, etc. No one wants to deal with that, and I wonder if I should expect anyone too. I realize I have to do my part, and I feel that I did when it came to this relationship. I went well beyond my comfort zone. And it was a terrifying experience at times. It's just so hard right now, wondering if there is someone who can love me for me...all of me. Not just the parts they like and try to push the "nonsense" stuff out of view. It hurts...a lot.

What if my heart is too broken to love...and to give?