healing gracie

How I do not like you. This feeling has been settling with me for the past couple weeks now. I know part of it has to do with breaking up with my ex, because now all the time I was spending with him has now all of a sudden become open. I know that's normal, especially where I don't have much of a social life outside of that dating experience and group.

We talked about it in group this past session, actually. One of the other group members was struggling with feeling alone. And everything she said I was saying in my head: "Yep, that is how I feel" or "I still struggle with that." I really felt for her because I know how it feels not to be able to connect to anyone. I, myself, have had those days or nights where I feel alone and need a friend. I get out my phone and go through the hundreds of names in my contact list...and none of them seem to be an option to call. I easily talk myself out of it. Oh, they are busy. Or, it is so last minute. Or they are probably out with their significant other. The scenarios I draw up are endless. Or there is the fear of being rejected.

I have made some progress in this area, and in doing my part of reaching out. But it seems to have little result. I try to call up people, spend time talking with others at activities or church. I guess you can say I have a pretty good group of casual friends (as in I can go have fun with them and they don't know a thing about my dark past). Why I think it hasn't been much of a success: there are times where I will see these people and hear them talking about what they did last Friday night. Or I will see pics on facebook of them having a great time and wonder why I wasn't invited, or why they didn't let me know about the activity when most of the people in my group I chat with on a regular basis. I know there is a thinking error in there somewhere, but where. I just keep going back to I must be doing something wrong, or not enough.

Well, that is enough rambling for now. That's me, dealing with loneliness. And I hate it. Can I just say that! It totally sucks. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have nightmares galore going on...but that is a post for a later time.

Thanks for listening.