healing gracie

Today is one of those days where I really want to talk to someone. Really want to/need to. About anything. About life. About how I am feeling. Just talking, listening. Usually, when this happens, I will flip through the numbers on my phone, only to find that not a single person feels right just to "talk to."

I went on a date today. I was so scared at first. Scared, nervous, thinking of every way possible that I could screw it up. I was afraid of that because my triggers have been in overdrive lately, and I was afraid of freaking out if I got triggered. But I was fine...maybe I don't give myself enough credit.

It was a fun date. The guy is really nice, fun. And he has somewhat of a sporadic, go with the flow personality. And he does not take himself seriously. Kind of a good counter for my serious nature.

We went geo-caching, which is kind of like a modernized treasure hunt using a GPS. We spent some time talking to each other, getting to know each other better and such. As we neared our destination we had to start hiking. It was a fun hike (we later found out we took the long, hard way...aka, made our own path when there was a perfectly carved path just west of us). Sad to say, we got to the location and there was no treasure to be found. We were quite disappointed, but not too disappointed.

We walked back the easy way to where the car was parked. Next to the parking lot is a stream. We decided to have a little more fun and have a skipping rock contest. I would say it was a draw, that our talents at skipping rocks were fairly matched...but my date would say otherwise. He deemed himself champion.

I actually had a good time...that kind of surprised me. It was hard, at first. At the beginning of the date I was so nervous that I had a hard time talking. But as the date went longer I got a little more comfortable. It was probably one of the best dates I've been on...as in a date where I wasn't constantly trying to talk myself through it. I just did my best to have fun. And it worked.

This song really does a good job describing how I am feeling right now. I know I posted it already, but I kind of needed to get out there what I have been struggling with these past few weeks.

I still wonder if I am human at times. Because my behavior, or the way I react to some things, or how I feel...it is just so out there for others. They are not sure how to handle me. I'm not even sure of that.

Part of me believes that I am just pretending to be human. Acting out that everything is all right so I fit in...don't scare people away. Fake it til I make it. But sometimes I can't fake it...and when I stop faking it, people turn and run 100 mph in the opposite direction. The phrase in the song: "I've been believing in something so distant, as if I was human. And I've been denying this feeling of hoplessness in me." Have I really, this whole time, been working towards something that isn't real? Has my healing been an illusion, or a facade that I present to the world? A facade that was so convincing that I even fooled myself? Am I human? And if I am not, then what am I? I am like a human...I try to act human. But is that enough.

"I have nothing left...and all I feel is this cruel wanting." What else can I do? What do I have left to give/offer? I have this wanting in my heart...my deep desire to be real and to feel connected to someone. To be okay. To no feel like I'm always having to put on a show for everyone. I want to be human.

I think I am doing worse right now than I am letting others know. Ok, I know I am doing worse. That became clear to me as I was meeting with my counselor tonight. I am doing good...I'm ok, surviving and not in a crisis or anything. But I am doing worse in a lot of areas.

Mostly relationships...any kind of relationship. I guess it is still an ongoing struggle that has never really let up. I don't feel connected to anyone...I'm not close to anyone at all really. I do have those few select moments where I do feel that, but it never lasts, despite my best efforts.

Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people? I know fear has had a lot to do with that...but in knowing that I have tried to push past my fear and work on it. But even when I try it seems more like I scare people away. I try to be more of who I really am, and who I want to be...and it's not what others are used to, so it drives them away. And, naturally, because of that I feel pressured to be what others want so they don't leave. I have a really hard time with being alone. I hate it, but I don't see a way around it.

I have been feeling really lonely lately. So lonely that I will "accidentally" butt dial someone just so I have an excuse to say hi (I know, lame...and desperate). It's been hard as I've been dealing with this nightmare, no sleeping crap. I am drained, and I have needed support, but haven't really been able to find it. Heck, I even got so desperate in my loneliness a couple times that I tried to contact my counselor...I wasn't in crisis or anything...I just needed someone who understood. But I can't turn to her in that way...she reminded me of that tonight. I must admit, I do struggle with that boundary when I am feeling pretty alone. I understand why it is in place, and she did her best to try to not hurt my feelings. Really, my feelings weren't hurt...it was more of a feeling like I did something wrong, that I messed up again. It's hard and confusing at times when your counselor seems to be the only one who accepts you for you and doesn't give you a hard time because you are struggling. Of course that's where I would want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my counselor. I'm not sure how to deal with that...and I have no idea how to bring that up, or if I should.

...keep flooding in to my head. Memories of that long week I spent in the hospital last year. All these images keep flooding my mind...the ambulance, the doctors, me locked in a room crying. I felt so alone, betrayed, and I was terrified. I can see it all so clearly in my mind. And not only from my point of view, but also as if I am someone watching from the outside (which is really weird to me that I can picture that). It has been hard to deal with these memories again. It's a hard thing for me to look at and remember. I am glad that it happened because it needed to. I wouldn't be here if it hadn't. But it is still really hard to look at it. And right now my mind keeps being flooded with images of that event. There are some triggers for it, like when I see an ambulance drive by, or when I drive past the hospital I was first admitted to (which I pass almost every day). I wonder if I will be okay...if I will ever forgive myself for that happening.

A gal I go to group with shared this with me. It really touches on how it feels to be the "broken girl." And it gives hope. This week's song is called "Broken Girl" by Matthew West.

Can I just say that I am completely worn out. I mean completely. I am drained physically, emotionally, mentally... how much longer can I go on like this? It has literally made me physically sick. I'm worried...I'm scared.