healing gracie

Ok, I am going to try something new here. I don't want this blog to be just me talking all the time. It's too limited that way. So I am starting discussions. I will post a question and then add my own personal thoughts to it while at the same time encouraging the thoughts of others. I want this to be a place where we can discuss the different aspects of healing. Now in order for a discussion to work there has to be at least two people talking. This means at least 50% of this post is going to rely on you: my readers. This means comments people.

Enough of that, here is the first discussion question: What is healing anyway?

My thoughts:

For me, healing means feeling whole...not this empty feeling I feel most of the time. I believe it's like having something restored that was once lost or damaged. I also believe it means to overcome something, like illness, harmful actions of others, etc.

I think healing can happen quickly, instantaneously, and be perceptive. However, I believe that is not the case all the time...at least not for me. To be honest, I believe healing on my part will be a long journey, a journey of change. Most change will be slow and nearly imperceptible...it already has been. I believe there are parts of me that have been mended, and yet there are other parts of me which are still broken, still shattered fragments of myself. It can be discouraging at times...but I'm starting to believe that anything broken can be mended.

There are times where I wish the day would come that I am completely healed of the abuse...that there is nothing wrong...that I won't have anymore problems associated with the abuse of my childhood. But that is slightly unrealistic. Maybe I won't be completely healed of the flashbacks, the nightmares, or the pain that it caused me (and still causes me). I think, rather, that what will happen will be a peace of mind, a healing of my inner self despite the chaos the abuse has caused...and there is a lot of chaos.

I have to admit, I don't fully understand the concept of healing...I don't even understand fully what healing means and will mean to me. It's something I have to learn. It's something I have to trust in. I guess that is where faith comes in...

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All right...now it's your turn. I want to hear from my readers. What are your views on healing?

Well, I am doing somewhat better after having another breakdown yesterday. In fact, I am doing better than I thought I would be.

Anyhoo, tonight I went to group counseling. This group is for survivors of sexual assault. It's mostly a come as you need it with no real agenda (though we will try to plan some things for some of the sessions). It is my 3rd session with this group...and I'm doing ok with it. I tend to have a love-hate relationship with group, and I probably always will.

Tonight we had a guest come and talk about victim advocates and what is available to victims of abuse as they go through the whole legal and court process. As soon as we started talking about it all these memories of what I went through came flooding forward. I am talking about a ton of memories. I had scenes flash by from my experience at the Children's Justice Center where I had to disclose what happened to me. I could remember the room I was in (the jungle room), what stuffed animal I received (which was a lion, by the way). I could remember testifying in court...ugh, that is not a pleasant memory. Every time I think about that I can see my abuser...the way he was glaring at me. I could remember how I had felt: confused, nervous, scared, uncertain, vulnerable...there was just so much going through my mind. I kind of started to feel sick again as I was sitting there in group.

It just really hit me...there was so much that I went through as a child. So much that I did not know how to handle or cope with. There is a lot that I am still going through now. Some days I really wonder how I made it this far. I wonder how I survived the abuse and I wonder why. And I wonder how I am surviving the healing now.

You know, it's really hard to enjoy life when you feel like everything you do is wrong. That's how I feel right now...and I hate it. I HATE it!!! To be honest, I feel so lost right now...so lost. I don't know what to do. And everything I do I feel like is wrong. I try to make a decision on where to go with life (and even with healing), I feel good about it temporarily, and then the response I get from others makes me feel guilty. "If it were me, I would be doing this...not what you are doing." I hear that and I feel guilty for thinking of myself...stupid for even thinking that I had a chance at making something work...ashamed, because I should know better...like a failure because I can't seem to get it right in someone else's eyes (let alone my own)...hurt, because it feels like no one is on my side, that no one will support me or encourage me. It's like all people see is what I'm not doing, or what I'm not doing right. They don't see what I am trying to do.

I feel so sick right now...all this just makes me want to give up...

I just had to share this song. I heard it recently...this past week in fact...and I just LOVE it! Love it! It gave me some much needed comfort this past week. It helped in reminding me that I'm not alone, though I often feel that way. For some reason it makes me want to cry. This week's song is "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.



Song: By Your Side
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: Over and Underneath

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
[CHORUS]
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
[CHORUS 2x]

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
[CHORUS 2x]

This song of the week has a very personal meaning to me. It is very deep, and it is a huge risk for me to put this out there. This week's song is called "Cut" by Plumb. It's about self-injury, particularly cutting and the emotions/thoughts behind it. I can really relate to this song...I hate to admit that...but self-injury is something I have struggled with for the past few years. I will share more details about it in another post...for now I will just share this song.



Song: Cut
Artist: Plumb
Album: Chaotic Resolve


I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

Disclaimer: the content of this post may be very difficult to read. This post talks about self-injury and goes into some details that may be disturbing to readers.

Deep breath...

I am a cutter...I have been for the past few years. I believe I made reference to it in my last song of the week post. Even then, you have no idea how hard it is to say that. It is definitely something I don't tell others and that I really haven't told anyone. In fact, up until now it was really only my counselor who knew I was fighting this battle...this desire to hurt myself. I am probably crazy for putting this out there...this little tidbit of information which is soon going to turn into a lot of information (and probably too much information).

As of now I am on the road of recovering from self-harm. It has been a difficult journey and one filled with much grief, shame, and distress. Trying to fight the urge to hurt myself has not been easy, but I can say it is worth the fight.

Some may wonder: "Why would someone do something like that? Why would someone intentionally cause physical harm to their body?" We will see if I can explain the why, at least from my perspective--my own personal experience with it.

I have been self-harming for a few years now. I really don't know when I started...it just did. At first the self-harm I inflicted upon myself wasn't too serious. No, I resorted mostly to scratching myself and pulling my hair or my eyelashes. In fact, it wasn't until about the time I started counseling (about three years ago) that I began cutting myself. This was a pretty intense time in my life...I had just survived a crisis, hence I was starting counseling

---Just a note, I can say that this really in not easy for me to be writing this---

So, I had started cutting. I can somewhat remember the first time I cut myself. I was really upset, frustrated, and hurting...in despair. I was angry...at myself mostly. What I was feeling was so intense...I was shaking. It was overwhelming. I had found a pair of scissors and before I knew it I was cutting my arm. All of a sudden there was this feeling of the pressure being lessened...the intensity of what I was feeling subsided...and it was under my control. It was then that I began to use cutting to cope with intense emotions.

When I would cut I would bleed...and I would make sure of that. Over time the cutting became worse. I would cut deeper and cut multiple times in one episode. It got to the point that I would cut at least once every week. There were some weeks where there wasn't a day that I didn't cut. I had become very dependent on it...I hate to admit that.

You still may be wondering: "But why would she cut herself?" There are several reasons why I would cut and how it would "help" me. The truth is, as disturbing as it is, it worked. It provided a sense of relief and control for me. Cutting was a way for me to distract myself from what I was feeling. Feelings were hard for me to identify with and to deal with. I couldn't handle them. I was afraid to feel...in fact, I was terrified. The feelings were so overwhelming to me that I was afraid that I would lose control. Cutting was my way of keeping control of the pain.

Cutting worked quickly. As soon as I put the blade to my skin, felt it press in, a sense of relief poured over me. All the pressure was released and I felt better...for a short time that is. It would hurt, of course, but that was the point. That was what I would hope for. For me, it was easier to deal with the physical pain rather than the emotional. It was easier for me to understand and identify with the physical pain. I would cut to my arm and think: "That's where the pain is. That is why I am hurting. It's not the overwhelming despair that has no tangible form. No, it's that cut on my arm. That I can see. That is what's causing the pain." Then the pain goes away, or so I thought.

As I said, this coping mechanism worked. However, there is an obvious negative side to this as well. I would often cut at night. So, in the morning when I woke up I would see the marks on my arm...the remnants of my self-destructive behavior. I would feel horrible. I felt sick, then shocked. Then the shame would sink in and then I would be mad at myself. "Why did I hurt myself, again?" I would ask myself. Because it provided a temporary relief...but really it was causing more harm than good. In reality, I was adding to the pain I was already feeling, making it even more unbearable. It became a cycle that fed off itself and became more intense over time. The pressure and intensity would build...I would release it through cutting (which is unhealthy)...I would feel horrible, which adds to the negative I was already feeling...more pressure builds, the need arises again to release it.

Eventually, I was able to recognize this very destructive pattern and began to take steps (almost unwillingly at first) to change it.

I am going to have to stop there for now. This is a very difficult subject for me to talk about and it's about all I can handle at this point. I will post more later about the steps I took to overcome this challenge and where I am today.

I decided to let you all get to know me better, so I'm going tell you 10 random things about me.

1. I am a total and complete neat-freak. I love to organize and everything has to be neat, tidy, and have it's place. It drives me crazy when things are a mess and in a constant state of disarray. My clothes in my closet are organized by type, then color. Each category has its own kind of hanger. Sad, I know.

2. I LOVE photography. In fact, I am practically addicted to it. I love to take pictures of scenery, nature, and people. For me, photography is somewhat therapeutic. It's kind of my way of reminding myself there is still good and beauty in the world, you just have to look for it.

3. I hate talking on the phone...don't know why, I just do.

4. I like interior design (goes back to the color thing). I like trying to decorate on a budget, resorting to thrift store shopping and re-purposing old items. Yep, it's fun...though I am no professional at it.

5. I am an artist. I enjoy drawing (when I have the time to do so). I usually use crayon, colored pencils, or charcoal. I draw anything from nature to abstract. Also very therapeutic for me.

6. I LOVE to write...no shocker there. One of my goals in life is to write a book. I have a couple of ideas on what I would write a book about...not sharing today, though.

7. I am not much of a jewelry person. I own jewelry, but I seldom wear it (except on Sundays for church). This is sad because I own a ton of jewelry and I mostly wear the same few pieces again and again.

8. I like being out in nature. I love the sight, the smell, the sound, and the feel of it all. It can be so relaxing. I tend to do my best thinking on nature walks.

9. This is harder than I thought, coming up with 10 random things about myself. Hmm...I love to listen to Christian music. It's about all I listen to when I'm driving in my car. It's so uplifting and it's often what I need when I'm having a down day.

10. Ok, now I am stumped. How about, I am totally addicted to Harry Potter. Yep, I admit it...I love the Harry Potter series. And I am really excited for when the final Harry Potter movie comes out.

Well, that is all I've got for tonight. Thanks for reading.

So, I realized, I put a lot of depressing, traumatizing...well, not so happy stuff of here most of the time. This post is going to deviate from that a little...ok, a lot.

I am a person who loves color. I love to work with color, whether it is in graphic design, photography, scrapbooking, drawing, or interior design. Well, I have been in the process of trying to redecorate my room and add a little of me in there. Currently, most of what is in my bedroom are decorations delegated to me by the persons I live with. They are nice, but not my style. The color scheme is also somewhat dark, and where my room is in the basement I don't have much access to light. With a very limited budget (approximately $100) I decided to upgrade my room to fit who I am.

What is great is that I received my new comforter set today! Hooray!!! It is was a steal, too. An 8-piece set which comes with a comforter, bedskirt, two shams, two euro shams, and two decorative pillows...all that for $60. The colors for this set are a sage green, chocolate brown, and a pale tan color. I love it! And it will definitely brighten up my room.

One reason I decided to do this random changing up of my room kind of stems from taking care of myself. I wanted to create a pleasant, relaxing environment in that I enjoy being in...especially where I spend large amounts on time in my bedroom. I wanted to create an environment that had a part of me in it...that felt safe for me and has what I need.

I wanted to use colors that would be relaxing and patterns that were simple, not busy and dark. Oh, the full color scheme of my room is sage green and chocolate brown with rosy pink, green, brown and black accents. I would have gotten rid of the pink, but my walls are pink (not by my choice) and I do not think I can override a certain person's ruling on that.

Anyhoo, my comforter arrived today. There it was on my front porch. I was so excited to see it. Now I can get to work on my room.

As you all can tell, I have had another meltdown. I seem to be having a lot of those lately. This one was pretty bad, but not the worst I have had (thank goodness for that). So there I was this morning getting ready for work and I just felt so overwhelmed with life...I just couldn't find anything positive about it. Grrr...So there I was in the shower (why is it always in the shower) and I had my mind of hyper-drive going through every little negative thing...I don't remember much of it, to be honest. I do remember trying to talk myself out of healing...no luck there.

I really don't know what triggered it. I do know that once I get on the path of this negative self-talk and such, one thing leads into another and it gets really hard to control. Pretty much, the best way to deal with that is to prevent it. Needless to say, I was in tears by the end of my shower. I then proceeded in the usual routine of getting to work: breakfast (so I can let my hair dry naturally), finish drying hair, makeup, get dressed and go. I did manage to somewhat pull myself together.

All I can say is I hate it when I have meltdowns. But, I am going to try to look at this positively (try being the operative word there). I learned that I tend to do a lot of deep-thinking while I am in the shower. Since I can't avoid showering (that would be a disaster in and of itself), I am going to have to learn better how to control my thinking. That way I will decrease my chances of turning into a complete depressed mess when I am trying to get myself put together for the day. Well, I can be thankful for one thing...at least I'm not the Wicked Witch of the West and melt into a puddle of nothingness when I have water tossed on me.

Why does it feel like no matter what I do, it's never going to be enough...I'm never going to be enough.

This week's song is called "Frozen" by the band Within Temptation. There was a point where I really connected with some of the lyrics in this song...there are days where I still feel that way. The video is also pretty good because it touches on child abuse. There are times where I can really relate to that little girl.

I don't know why, but hearing it now (I am listening to it as I type this post), I keep thinking about this song and how it could relate to the inner child. I kind of imagine it's my adult self having a conversation with my inner child. I don't know, it kind of feels right to look at it that way. Hmm...that is kind of a different way to look at it.



Song: Frozen
Artist: Within Temptation
Album: Heart of Everything

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
All colors seem to fade away
I can't reach my soul
I would stop running, if I knew there was a chance
It tears me apart to sacrifice it all but I'm forced to let go

[CHORUS]
Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?

I can feel your sorrow
You won't forgive me,
But I know you'll be all right
It tears me apart that you will never know but I have to let

[CHORUS]

Everything will slip away
Shattered pieces will remain
When memories fade into emptiness
Only time will tell its tale
If it all has been in vain

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
Frozen...
But what can I do?
Frozen...

[CHORUS]

Has it really been that long? Have I really been actively working on healing for three years now? It feels like it has been forever. It feels like it was just yesterday that I started consciously choosing to heal. It feels like I have gone nowhere. It feels like I have progressed so much. It feels like nothing has changed. It feels like I have changed. In this post I am going to try to outline what this healing journey has been for me so far by focusing on three things: what I have learned, what I have accomplished, and what I still need to work on.

What I have learned:

• Not to be so hard on myself.
• Accept where I am at in healing and accept my healing process.
• Everyone's healing process is different.
• I need to work from where I am at, not where I think I should be (or where others think I should be).
• If I don't want to do something, then I probably should do it anyway (for example, if I don't want to go socialize with friends because I feel too depressed to, I should go anyway because it will help me in the end).
• Ask for help when you need it...there are people who care and want to help.
• Just because you see a counselor doesn't mean you are crazy or weak.
• You gain courage after you face your fears.
• Take it one day at a time; if that's too much, take it one moment at a time.
• Healing requires: faith, courage, change, hope, patience, determination, commitment.
• You have to choose to stop being a victim and start being a survivor.
• Healthier/safer ways to cope, such as writing, drawing, talking, photography, running/walking, going to see a friend, etc.
• Forgiveness is essential to healing. It doesn't take away the hurt completely, but it gets rid of the poison.
• Healing takes time.
• Not everyone is out to hurt you or take advantage of you. There are good people out there you can trust.
• There is still good and beauty in the world.

What I have accomplished:

• On April 20, 2011 I said goodbye to a really harmful coping mechanism. I took a major step towards letting go of self-injury...that has been a really hard thing for me to do.
• A am talking a lot more in counseling now. I hardly talked when I first started.
• I have survived several crisis where I wanted to just give up...I haven't given up yet.
• I wrote an article on abuse, healing, and my experiences with it...I have also let a few people read that article.
• I started this blog.
• I open up to more people about it.
• I went to group therapy (and will continue to do so when needed).
• I graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree.
• I am coping from day to day.
• I have a desire to reach out and help others.
• I am more open-minded about forgiveness...and actually kind of want to forgive.
• I survived the abuse, and I am surviving the healing process.

*It's hard to think of major accomplishments. Most of my "victories" are small and not so noticeable.


What I still need to work on (this is still a pretty long list):

• Not being so hard on myself.
• Being patient with healing, others, and myself.
• Identifying and letting myself feel emotions (especially the intense ones).
• Having confidence in myself.
• Believing in my self-worth.
• Improving my self-esteem.
• Not letting fear rule my life.
• Getting rid of negative self-talk.
• Balance taking care of my own needs and the needs of others.
• Relationships (with friends, family, and some day a signficant other).
• Intimacy in terms of emotions. Being able to open up to people about the personal stuff (the physical intimacy will be a whole other story).
• Believing that I matter and that I am worth it.
• Forgiveness.
• Asking for help...I still have a hard time with that one.
• Having faith and holding onto hope.
• Not panicking. If I am in a situation (any situation) that I feel is beyond my control or where I feel powerless, I satrt to panic.
• Dealing with depression and post-traumatic stress.
• Letting go.

Now if any of you have anything you think I should add to the list (because I can guarantee that there is something I forgot) please feel free to comment.