healing gracie

Well, I am doing somewhat better after having another breakdown yesterday. In fact, I am doing better than I thought I would be.

Anyhoo, tonight I went to group counseling. This group is for survivors of sexual assault. It's mostly a come as you need it with no real agenda (though we will try to plan some things for some of the sessions). It is my 3rd session with this group...and I'm doing ok with it. I tend to have a love-hate relationship with group, and I probably always will.

Tonight we had a guest come and talk about victim advocates and what is available to victims of abuse as they go through the whole legal and court process. As soon as we started talking about it all these memories of what I went through came flooding forward. I am talking about a ton of memories. I had scenes flash by from my experience at the Children's Justice Center where I had to disclose what happened to me. I could remember the room I was in (the jungle room), what stuffed animal I received (which was a lion, by the way). I could remember testifying in court...ugh, that is not a pleasant memory. Every time I think about that I can see my abuser...the way he was glaring at me. I could remember how I had felt: confused, nervous, scared, uncertain, vulnerable...there was just so much going through my mind. I kind of started to feel sick again as I was sitting there in group.

It just really hit me...there was so much that I went through as a child. So much that I did not know how to handle or cope with. There is a lot that I am still going through now. Some days I really wonder how I made it this far. I wonder how I survived the abuse and I wonder why. And I wonder how I am surviving the healing now.