healing gracie

Has it really been that long? Have I really been actively working on healing for three years now? It feels like it has been forever. It feels like it was just yesterday that I started consciously choosing to heal. It feels like I have gone nowhere. It feels like I have progressed so much. It feels like nothing has changed. It feels like I have changed. In this post I am going to try to outline what this healing journey has been for me so far by focusing on three things: what I have learned, what I have accomplished, and what I still need to work on.

What I have learned:

• Not to be so hard on myself.
• Accept where I am at in healing and accept my healing process.
• Everyone's healing process is different.
• I need to work from where I am at, not where I think I should be (or where others think I should be).
• If I don't want to do something, then I probably should do it anyway (for example, if I don't want to go socialize with friends because I feel too depressed to, I should go anyway because it will help me in the end).
• Ask for help when you need it...there are people who care and want to help.
• Just because you see a counselor doesn't mean you are crazy or weak.
• You gain courage after you face your fears.
• Take it one day at a time; if that's too much, take it one moment at a time.
• Healing requires: faith, courage, change, hope, patience, determination, commitment.
• You have to choose to stop being a victim and start being a survivor.
• Healthier/safer ways to cope, such as writing, drawing, talking, photography, running/walking, going to see a friend, etc.
• Forgiveness is essential to healing. It doesn't take away the hurt completely, but it gets rid of the poison.
• Healing takes time.
• Not everyone is out to hurt you or take advantage of you. There are good people out there you can trust.
• There is still good and beauty in the world.

What I have accomplished:

• On April 20, 2011 I said goodbye to a really harmful coping mechanism. I took a major step towards letting go of self-injury...that has been a really hard thing for me to do.
• A am talking a lot more in counseling now. I hardly talked when I first started.
• I have survived several crisis where I wanted to just give up...I haven't given up yet.
• I wrote an article on abuse, healing, and my experiences with it...I have also let a few people read that article.
• I started this blog.
• I open up to more people about it.
• I went to group therapy (and will continue to do so when needed).
• I graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree.
• I am coping from day to day.
• I have a desire to reach out and help others.
• I am more open-minded about forgiveness...and actually kind of want to forgive.
• I survived the abuse, and I am surviving the healing process.

*It's hard to think of major accomplishments. Most of my "victories" are small and not so noticeable.


What I still need to work on (this is still a pretty long list):

• Not being so hard on myself.
• Being patient with healing, others, and myself.
• Identifying and letting myself feel emotions (especially the intense ones).
• Having confidence in myself.
• Believing in my self-worth.
• Improving my self-esteem.
• Not letting fear rule my life.
• Getting rid of negative self-talk.
• Balance taking care of my own needs and the needs of others.
• Relationships (with friends, family, and some day a signficant other).
• Intimacy in terms of emotions. Being able to open up to people about the personal stuff (the physical intimacy will be a whole other story).
• Believing that I matter and that I am worth it.
• Forgiveness.
• Asking for help...I still have a hard time with that one.
• Having faith and holding onto hope.
• Not panicking. If I am in a situation (any situation) that I feel is beyond my control or where I feel powerless, I satrt to panic.
• Dealing with depression and post-traumatic stress.
• Letting go.

Now if any of you have anything you think I should add to the list (because I can guarantee that there is something I forgot) please feel free to comment.