Today after I got off work I decided to go shopping. I needed pants and had a $10-off gift card that expired in a couple days, so I thought "What the heck."
Now, for the most part, I hate shopping. I don't find much joy in it. It is so tedious and takes so long...I blame that mostly on my awkward body shape. Speaking of body...that is what I want to talk about today.
As I mentioned, I was shopping today. I was only searching for pants, but I will admit I just had to try on a couple shirts (even though I did not budget for that). I don't understand completely why...but while I was going through the process of trying on clothes...I became really down. There I was in the dressing room, looking at myself in the mirror. I had been in transition between trying on an outfit and changing back into the clothes I was wearing.
...
...
...
I wasn't happy with what I saw. I didn't like the shape of my body...I didn't like the curves (or rather the lack of). And even though I realize I am underweight, I had the thought that I should thin up more...that my stomach wasn't flat enough. I felt awkward...just thinking: "Is that really what my body looks like?" I felt like I wasn't pleasant to look at...that I wasn't pretty...that I was...ugly.
I don't know, I kind of have never had a healthy relationship with my body. For the longest time I felt betrayed by it (I still do for the most part). It reacted in a way that I felt it shouldn't have when I was abused. It felt...good...and I hated that it did. That I continued to seek after that "good" feeling even after the abuse ended.
Also, while growing up, I was constantly bombarded by one of my abusers with images and expectations of what I was supposed to look like...what my body was supposed to look like. I had to be sexy...you know, have the long, toned body, nice curves, big breasts, white teeth, even skin tone, perfect hair...the works. I had to look nice, and I had to flaunt it...I rebelled against this a lot. But, still, it really added to the fact that I was over sexualized at a very young age. I learned that my body was meant to please others, and I had to do what I could to make it the most appealing. And it wasn't just my abuser giving me this message...the society I live in is constantly throwing it in my face every day. I'm constantly feeling pressure to be what the media portrays women to be: exciting, sexy, play toy, seductive, victim.
It disgusts me! I don't want that. But, on some level, I do want to feel attractive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to like my body for what it is, and not have this unhealthy and negative attitude towards it. It's just a trick figuring out what is beautiful because the world accepts it, and what is beautiful because I accept it. I also believe I am battling that constant feeling of failure for not being able to live up to the expectations and standards my abuser/the world has set for me. I don't know...this is a tough subject to discuss.
It scares me that I feel this way about my body...
I usually don't talk much about my spiritual/religious beliefs on here. I believe it is mostly because it can be a touchy subject for others...and even for me.
As some of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Even though there are times when I do doubt in my testimony, or in the Gospel, there is always a part of me that keeps believing in it. Really, it has been through Christ that I've been able to find just a glimpse of what healing is...and how it has already influenced my life.
Well, I didn't come on tonight to post about my testimony and spiritual beliefs. No, but I did come on here to share something that really touched me over the weekend...Saturday night, September 24th to be exact. It was during the General Relief Society Meeting. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Second Counselor in the First Presidency)...and what he had to say...well, let's just say I needed to hear it.
He began by talking about a forget-me-not flower, using it as a metaphor to base his remarks on. He talked about five things women should not forget. And I believe it is imporant that we not forget these things:
- Forget not to be patient with yourself
- Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice
- Forget not that happiness surrounds you
- Forget not the "why" of the gospel
- Forget not that the Lord loves you
I would go into more detail, but I would probably butcher the message that President Uchtdorf so eloquently presented. Instead, I will share his message via link/embedding, and you can view it for yourselves. And I highly recommend watching it. Click here to watch it on the LDS Church website
I do want to say one last thing. When he spoke on Saturday, it was almost as if this message was just for me. That he was speaking just to me. Saying what I needed to hear...what I had forgotten myself and needed to be reminded of. I was reminded of things that I had been reminded of previously...yes...I tend to forget easily. But, thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who does not give up on me.
This was just something I was thinking about last night before going to bed. It has to do with how my own personal experiences have influenced my photography. I mentioned this very briefly in my last post about how what we experience in life (the good and the bad) can also serve as inspiration.
I look at my life experiences...the abuse I experienced and that I am still healing from, and it has had a large impact on my photography. Although what I experienced was horrible, and I often wonder what good can come from it. How could anything good and beautiful come from something so painful and terrifying...something so dark? How could I move on from it? How could I use how it impacted me to create something worthwhile...something amazing? How could I use it to help others?
When I do photography, I do it as much for others as I do myself. What I realize now is if I hadn't been through the abuse, I probably wouldn't have had the desire to capture images to help uplift others. To help aid in the healing of others. I'm not saying I am glad about what happened to me...I wish I never had to go through something so horrible...but I can see that with the right effort I can direct the energy towards something good.
So in a way, my abusive past is one of my main sources of inspiration. It may not fully inspire eveything about a picture I take, but it does give me the motivation and a reason for going out into the world to capture these images. It also inspires me to share them. For when I share my artwork, I am sharing a part of myself.
I am finally getting around to my photography and healing posts again. Sorry...life has been hectic lately...really hectic. I can honestly say that I haven't been slacking...not on purpose anyway (though some of you may think that). No, I really just have not had the time. I have been juggling two jobs (one of which is new), and add to that my photography...yep, I've had a full load.
Ha, that works as an excuse. I will just blame my lack of photography posts on the fact that I've actually been out there doing/working on photography. Yep, that sounds good to me.
Whew...now that I've got that off my chest, we are going to get to the real topic of today's post: Inspiration.
"I begin with an idea, and then it becomes something else." ~Pablo Picasso (artist, ceramist, painter, printmaker, sculptor)
What is inspiration? To me, inspiration is the start of creativity. It is the spark that eventually ignites and flames into life. Inspiration is the start of an idea or concept. It is found at the beginning, whether you are writing poetry, painting, designing a building...whatever. Inspiration is always there. And it has no limits.
Anything can be used for inspiration. It can be found anywhere, at anytime. It's all around...the trick is, learning how to recognize it and be open to it. Inspiration requires being in touch with your senses, trusting them, and learning from them. It means really taking in what is going on around you, looking at the details...the smaller parts rather than just the big picture.
Inspiration comes from experience...and it can be good and bad experiences. Inspiration comes from experiencing life, interacting with what is going on around you, and taking in as much as you possibly can. Along with drawing from the outside environment, it is also helpful to look inside oneself. It's amazing how you find out how much you have to offer.
Now that I've rambled about my views on inspiration, I am going to talk briefly (hopefully it will be briefly) on inspiration for me. Where do I find inspiration? Really, almost anywhere. However, I do have some things that I turn to more than others for inspiration. As I mentioned before, the senses are a big part of inspiration. I tend to rely more on the visual and auditory senses when it comes to gaining inspiration for photography. Now, the visual is kind of a given because photography is primarily visual. But it's more than just seeing something and trying to recreate it. What inspires me most visually is color. I love seeing how colors interact with each other and the emotions it can evoke. Also, light and how it places itself. Light is pretty intriguing to me...I can't really explain why.
Next comes the auditory, or hearing. This is where music comes in. I find a lot of inspiration from music (mostly in writing), but it's pretty important in my photography as well. I also love being in nature and hearing the sound of the wind, or water flowing in a stream, or the booming of thunder in a lighting storm. Again, I am at a loss to explain the "how" it is inspiring to me. It really comes so naturally...it's really so second-nature that I am having a hard time breaking it down. Hmmm....
How do I "gather" inspiration? I keep a collection of sorts...a very disorganized collection at the moment. I will keep pictures that have effective lighting, or posters/brochures that have a cool color scheme. I will write down quotes or sayings...take pictures of "potential" photo sights. I go for walks or drives. I will visit people. I read articles about photography techniques, or watch online tutorials. I pay attention to the small and simple things. I take a break from life, even if just for ten minutes, just to relax and be in the present moment. I experiment and not be afraid to try something new.
Without inspiration, my photography would not exist...
So, this song of the week might throw you all for a loop. I usually don't listen to the harder rock stuff anymore, but I still really love this song and the message behind it. This one's for all you head-bangin' rockers out there. Okay, maybe it's not that quite a head-bangin' song...but it's pretty darn close. The song of the week is "Awake and Alive" by Skillet.
Song: Awake and Alive
Artist: Skillet
Album: Awake
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
[CHORUS]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here (right here), right now (right now)
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
[CHORUS]
Waking up waking up [4x]
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
[CHORUS]
Waking up waking up [4x]
Whenever I am feeling down, I often turn to this song to help lift me up. Whether I am being hard on myself, or was feeling hurt by someone else, this song can help...if I let it, that is. There are days when I would turn this song on and sing along to it. And I mean I would sing...really loud (but good...I think...I don't know if I'm a good singer). I would sing with all my heart...the whole eyes closed, really feeling the music singing. Yep, funny to picture, right? I must admit, I haven't done this too recently...and that's probably a good thing.
This week's song is "Beautiful Ending" by BarlowGirl.
p.s. sorry for the advertisement before the video...I had no choice.
Song: Beautiful Ending
Artist: BarlowGirl
Album: Another Journal Entry
Oh tragedy has taken so many
Love lost cause it all forgot who you were
And it scares me to think that I would choose
My life over You
Oh my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart
So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Oh why do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall
And the pride of my heart makes me forget
It's not me but you
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without you
You're dying for me
So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by Your side
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful
At the end of it all I wanna be in your arms [x4]
So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by your side
Cause your love is beautiful
So beautiful
Dating is hard for me...really hard. I like it, and then I hate it. And then I can't seem to make up my mind about it.
I went on a date recently...a blind date. Gasp! I had sworn blind dates away a couple years ago because of quite a few bad experiences. And it seemed the dates got worse the more blind dates I went on. Yeah, I've got some interesting stories there.
Anyhoo, so I went out on this date. I was excited. I was nervous. I kept questioning my decision to have agreed to this date in the first place. And then the time came. My date showed up and we did dinner and a movie. And I had a great time! I was able to be myself (at least I think that was myself). I actually was able to carry out a conversation with him...though there were some awkward moments. We laughed, joked, talked about different things in our lives, asked questions. I guess your usual "first date talk."
Overall, I had a good time. I felt comfortable, for the most part. And he seems like a nice guy.
Enter curve ball.
I can't seem to figure out why I have such mixed up feelings about going out with him again. I can't tell if it's intuition or what that's telling me I shouldn't, or if it's fear. And add into the scene my insecurities with guys and relationships, and you get one big complicated and confusing mess. It looks like I have something else to keep my mind preoccupied for the next little while.
I will keep you all posted...maybe...
Ok, I am finally getting around to posting more about photography and healing. And I'm going to start with the technical aspect of photography. To be honest, not my favorite thing to focus on (so this will be short), but it is an absolutely essential part of photography. If you don't know the technical stuff, it is very hard (probably impossible) to get the kind of pictures you want. That is something I have come to learn during my photographic journey. I have come to realize that without learning all the technical stuff I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to when it came to creativity.
Now, I'm not going to give any sort of "lessons" on how to be a great photographer (I'll leave that to the professionals). And I definitely don't profess to know everything there is to know about photography...I am still learning as well. But I will list a few things that were a part of my learning experience.
Stuff I learned (whether I wanted to or not):
Camera functions: It is very important to know how your camera works, whether you are using a high-quality digital SLR camera, or a dinky little point-and-shoot. Know your camera. Know the different settings, what all the buttons do (or at least the ones you will be using a majority of the time). By learning more about your camera and how it works can be a great advantage. It was for me.
Exposure: This applies mostly to the SLR cameras, but it does somewhat apply to point-and-shoots as well. The exposure is pretty much essential to photography (understatement there). It's only through exposure that an image is captured. The exposure all depends on light and how much light is being allowed to reach the sensor in digital cameras or the film in traditional. There are three things that control exposure: shutter-speed, aperture, and ISO. Shutter-speed refers to how long the exposure time is. The aperture refers to the amount of light being let in. And the ISO refers to the sensitivity of the sensor/film to that light. I remember in my first photography class this was my least favorite part...because we had to memorize all the various shutter-speed times and aperture settings. Now, looking back, I see how much it makes life easier to have those memorized when you are taking pictures. It makes finding the exposure (and adjusting it to create a certain effect) much more easier.
Composition: How to compose your image so it creates the most effect. I could spend a whole post on this one...however I am trying not to go into lecture-mode here...though I think I am getting pretty close. The composition can make or break the photo. There are several ways to compose a photo: rule-of-thirds is one of the easiest, and probably the one I use most frequently (that I know of). You can try shooting from different perspectives, angles, etc. You can shoot from a distance, or do close-up. Honestly, when it comes to composing a photo I don't remember much of the rules I learned. I tend to rely more on intuition when it comes to composing a piece. Sometimes my intuition is on, and sometimes it is far off. For me, it takes a lot of experimenting.
Color: Color is very important in photography. All color evokes some kind of meaning, response, or emotion. Take red, for example. It is often associated with passion, anger, speed, etc. It's an intense color and tend to create a more intense response. A blue, on the other hand, tends to be a more calming color. It is often associated with peace, tranquility, etc. Photographers often use color as a means of communicating a certain message through photography. The absence of color also conveys a message. Because color can be a distracting element (especially if you don't have much control over it), it can be very beneficial to do a photo in black-and-white.
Practice, practice, practice: That's the best way to improve your skill in photography. You can read all the books you want, all the articles, watch as many tutorials as you can stand. But it actually requires you going out there, camera in hand, and taking pictures. I can say that I have (for the most part) had a camera attached to my hand a good chunk of my life. I was always taking pictures, of people, places, scenery, things. And I loved it! The more I took pictures, the better I became. My skill became more refined. My eye for what made a good photo became enhanced.
Along with practicing, I highly recommend experimenting. Try different ways of taking pictures. Different techniques, compostion, lighting, colors, etc. It's through experimenting that you can really increase your creativity.
Well, this did turn into somewhat of a lecture after all. Not as short as I expected it to be. Sorry folks. I could probably ramble about photography all day if given the chance.
Next post I will be talking more about creativity and ways I get inspired. Thanks for reading!
Fatigue...drowsiness...exhaustion. It seems like I feel these on a daily basis. And it doesn't seem to improve. It's really hard when I have no energy to do anything. It makes is so much harder to focus and concentrate. I have a harder time wanting to do anything but sleep. It's really difficult to enjoy life when all of it just seems to be tiring. It doesn't matter if I sleep for 4, 6, 8, or 10 hours...I still wake up completely drained and do not want to pull myself out of bed. In fact, it is often a battle to get myself out of bed still. Not because I don't want to face the day (though I still do have those days on occassion), but merely because I just want to keep sleeping. I want to get to a point where I feel rested. Where I actually have energy.
This is an AWESOME song! That's rights, all-caps. I could seriously listen to this song over and over and over and not get sick of it. The lyrics are really positive and uplifting, and it has a nice modern sound. I am betting most of you haven't heard of this band. They are called Building 429 performing this week's song "Listen to the Sound."
Song: Listen to the Sound
Artist: Building 429
Album: Listen to the Sound
Are you in over your head?
Are you in water so deep you're drowning?
Do you think you've been left,
And there is no one to feel your hurting?
Well everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up
Lift it up
[CHORUS]
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
I hear you say you're alone
I hear you sayin' that you'll never make it
I've got to tell you you're wrong
'Cause I've been down this path you're taking
You'll never know what faith is
Till you don't understand
Sometimes it takes the silence
To finally hear His plan
[CHORUS]
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost,
But now I'm found
[x2]
[CHORUS]
His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever you are
[x2]
I have been doing pretty well with nightmares lately, until last night. It was a pretty intense nightmare...and I have no idea what triggered it. It had to do with one of my abusers...and he was attacking me, coming after me with a knife. I remember the fear I felt, it was so real. That dream had me on the brink of tears.
I didn't know it was possible for me to feel this way again...
I was driving home from work (my new job, I might add). It was night time...I don't usually like driving at night because my nightvision can be somewhat questionable, but it was a good drive tonight...and not just because I could see fine.
I had a really interesting feeling come upon me while I was driving home. It was accompanied by the thought: "I'm going to be ok." It was kind of like this sense of calm came over me...and life felt good (even if it was just for that brief moment).
It has been a long time since I have felt anything like that...a very long time. And I am trying to hold onto that feeling...which I know will get difficult as time passes (and my doubting/questioning side tries to take over). But I want to remember it, hence I am writing it down. My life will be ok. I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am dealing...and trying to live. It doesn't mean that my stresses will lessen (they are still pretty major)...it doesn't mean my problems will go away. It doesn't mean my trials will be taken care of and my burdens lifted. I just feel like I can accept where I am in life right now and honestly say I am doing my best...and that makes all the difference. It means I am ok.
Hey all! I just wanted to let you know that the photography posts are still in the works. I do plan on writing a few more posts about photography and how it has helped me on my own healing journey. It's just taking a little longer than I thought to get them written out. Plus, life has been hectic/crazy these past couple of weeks. But don't fret, the photography posts are coming.
There I was, sitting in my room. Emotions were about ready to flood over the surface. I couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't. It hurts too much when I do. It hurts too much when I don't. Breathe in...breathe out.
I start thinking about my time in the hospital and all the feelings/memories I had pushed aside from that experience. It's hard to look back at that time. There is such a negative filter. I feel sick to my stomach, kind of like a knot has been tied in there...a very tight knot. I cringe as a wave of emotions starts to come up again. I try to brace myself...then I try to block the emotions...
Another thought...oh man...I promised myself I wouldn't stop the emotions when they came. I wouldn't fight them. I really don't want to feel it...any of it. It's too much. It's too draining. I bite my lip and I close my eyes...breathe in...breathe out. My eyes start to burn. A drop of water falls...it lands on my cheek. It runs down the side of my face, leaving a wet trail upon my skin. Another immediately follows. My chest feels tight...I gasp. And then a noise emanates from my throat...and I start to sob.
My eyes are wet with tears...paths of water have made several path down my face. I pull my knees up to my chest...wrap my arms around my legs...and hold myself...and I just cried...
I finally did it...I let myself cry. It was hard. It was scary (somewhat)...but I did it. And, I can't believe I am saying this, but I am glad that I did.
I just barely discovered this song! Heard it for the first time today. I don't know why, this song really clicked with me right now. Just with how I feel right now. This week's song is "Drifting" by Plumb.
Song: Drifting
Artist: Plumb featuring Dan Haseltine
Album: Drifting (single)
*I do not have the lyrics yet. This song was just released only 5 days ago, so I have yet to find the lyrics anywhere (with the exception of the ones in the actual music video, of course).
I'm writing this because it is what I have been thinking about since my drive home from counseling last night. I want...and possibly need...to be heard.
I often feel like I am forced into silence, about a lot of things. Like my voice doesn't matter. Like what I feel, experience, think or do doesn't matter.
Now, I am thinking of this lately in relation to the crisis I had two months ago. I look back, and I have never really talked about what happened the night I tried to commit suicide, or what I was experiencing after. Yes, when I was in the hospital, I told my "story" a couple dozen times, repeating the same facts such as how and when. But I was pretty vague with most of it. I even tried talking to my counselor about it the day I got discharged. But I think it was too soon. I was emotionally drained and had not had the time or the energy to process what I had just gone through. Needless to say, I kind of pushed it away after that, telling myself I needed to move on.
I have wondered lately whether I should take the time and energy now to talk about it. To actually stop pushing it away like it was no big deal. It was a BIG DEAL! To me, definitely. I have been debating whether I should talk more in detail about that experience, from what happened that night to what it was like in the hospital. I want to talk about the details...which is something I really haven't told anyone since I was discharged from the hospital. I have thought about doing a couple posts describing my hospital stay...that is still up for debate in my mind.
Realistically, I have to accept that it happened, no matter what...that is, if I want to move on from it. I can't deny it. I can't keep asking the "Why?" or "How?" questions. I do need to talk about it, accept it for what it is and then let go. I know I will have a hard time talking about it. I've shoved it away for a while now. It's like saying all that happened would make it more real...that I really reached that point. I couldn't accept that...and I still have a hard time accepting that it did happen. But I've been putting it off talking about it for too long now, and I can tell it is starting to inhibit me.
Hmm...this is looking kind of familiar. In fact, it is almost the exact same cycle I went and still continue to go through when it comes to talking about the abuse in my past. There are a lot of feelings of shame associated with abuse...and it's the victim who often feels a sense of shame, though she/he did nothing wrong. That shame grows in silence, in not talking about what happened. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how, by talking about abuse and the experiences the shame seems to lessen. It's like you are able to see what happened in a better light.
I wonder if the same concept will apply to talking about my crisis. I feel a lot of shame about it, about what happened. Just everything about it. I want to talk about it...everything, holding nothing back. I need to face it. I need to have it validated and not judged. I don't want to hide any part of it. I want it out there. I hope that in doing so the shame I feel will be lessened.
I know I need to let go of it and move forward. It's holding me back. But maybe talking about it, I mean really talking about it, could be the first (or even the last) step towards letting go.