healing gracie

I'm writing this because it is what I have been thinking about since my drive home from counseling last night. I want...and possibly need...to be heard.

I often feel like I am forced into silence, about a lot of things. Like my voice doesn't matter. Like what I feel, experience, think or do doesn't matter.

Now, I am thinking of this lately in relation to the crisis I had two months ago. I look back, and I have never really talked about what happened the night I tried to commit suicide, or what I was experiencing after. Yes, when I was in the hospital, I told my "story" a couple dozen times, repeating the same facts such as how and when. But I was pretty vague with most of it. I even tried talking to my counselor about it the day I got discharged. But I think it was too soon. I was emotionally drained and had not had the time or the energy to process what I had just gone through. Needless to say, I kind of pushed it away after that, telling myself I needed to move on.

I have wondered lately whether I should take the time and energy now to talk about it. To actually stop pushing it away like it was no big deal. It was a BIG DEAL! To me, definitely. I have been debating whether I should talk more in detail about that experience, from what happened that night to what it was like in the hospital. I want to talk about the details...which is something I really haven't told anyone since I was discharged from the hospital. I have thought about doing a couple posts describing my hospital stay...that is still up for debate in my mind.

Realistically, I have to accept that it happened, no matter what...that is, if I want to move on from it. I can't deny it. I can't keep asking the "Why?" or "How?" questions. I do need to talk about it, accept it for what it is and then let go. I know I will have a hard time talking about it. I've shoved it away for a while now. It's like saying all that happened would make it more real...that I really reached that point. I couldn't accept that...and I still have a hard time accepting that it did happen. But I've been putting it off talking about it for too long now, and I can tell it is starting to inhibit me.

Hmm...this is looking kind of familiar. In fact, it is almost the exact same cycle I went and still continue to go through when it comes to talking about the abuse in my past. There are a lot of feelings of shame associated with abuse...and it's the victim who often feels a sense of shame, though she/he did nothing wrong. That shame grows in silence, in not talking about what happened. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how, by talking about abuse and the experiences the shame seems to lessen. It's like you are able to see what happened in a better light.

I wonder if the same concept will apply to talking about my crisis. I feel a lot of shame about it, about what happened. Just everything about it. I want to talk about it...everything, holding nothing back. I need to face it. I need to have it validated and not judged. I don't want to hide any part of it. I want it out there. I hope that in doing so the shame I feel will be lessened.

I know I need to let go of it and move forward. It's holding me back. But maybe talking about it, I mean really talking about it, could be the first (or even the last) step towards letting go.