healing gracie

Today after I got off work I decided to go shopping. I needed pants and had a $10-off gift card that expired in a couple days, so I thought "What the heck."

Now, for the most part, I hate shopping. I don't find much joy in it. It is so tedious and takes so long...I blame that mostly on my awkward body shape. Speaking of body...that is what I want to talk about today.

As I mentioned, I was shopping today. I was only searching for pants, but I will admit I just had to try on a couple shirts (even though I did not budget for that). I don't understand completely why...but while I was going through the process of trying on clothes...I became really down. There I was in the dressing room, looking at myself in the mirror. I had been in transition between trying on an outfit and changing back into the clothes I was wearing.

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I wasn't happy with what I saw. I didn't like the shape of my body...I didn't like the curves (or rather the lack of). And even though I realize I am underweight, I had the thought that I should thin up more...that my stomach wasn't flat enough. I felt awkward...just thinking: "Is that really what my body looks like?" I felt like I wasn't pleasant to look at...that I wasn't pretty...that I was...ugly.

I don't know, I kind of have never had a healthy relationship with my body. For the longest time I felt betrayed by it (I still do for the most part). It reacted in a way that I felt it shouldn't have when I was abused. It felt...good...and I hated that it did. That I continued to seek after that "good" feeling even after the abuse ended.

Also, while growing up, I was constantly bombarded by one of my abusers with images and expectations of what I was supposed to look like...what my body was supposed to look like. I had to be sexy...you know, have the long, toned body, nice curves, big breasts, white teeth, even skin tone, perfect hair...the works. I had to look nice, and I had to flaunt it...I rebelled against this a lot. But, still, it really added to the fact that I was over sexualized at a very young age. I learned that my body was meant to please others, and I had to do what I could to make it the most appealing. And it wasn't just my abuser giving me this message...the society I live in is constantly throwing it in my face every day. I'm constantly feeling pressure to be what the media portrays women to be: exciting, sexy, play toy, seductive, victim.

It disgusts me! I don't want that. But, on some level, I do want to feel attractive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to like my body for what it is, and not have this unhealthy and negative attitude towards it. It's just a trick figuring out what is beautiful because the world accepts it, and what is beautiful because I accept it. I also believe I am battling that constant feeling of failure for not being able to live up to the expectations and standards my abuser/the world has set for me. I don't know...this is a tough subject to discuss.

It scares me that I feel this way about my body...