healing gracie

Ugh...it was one of those days. It started as a good day, then at work I get totally flustered and mess up. I hate it when I mess up. So what did I do...the whole drive home I kept dwelling on it...putting myself down and such. I did try to talk myself out of the negative self-talk, but I didn't have as much success as I would have liked.

The damage was done. What started as one thought ricocheted off into several more destructive thoughts. Thoughts came up from my past, such as how I reacted in certain situations. How I tried to get help from people. I felt like a freak again. I am doing my best to get it out of my system before it does more harm.

I could use some help with this one.

Thanksgiving was wonderful!

The yams turned out great! (If I do say so myself).

And the world did not end!

A very successful holiday :D

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Yes, I am posting on Thanksgiving. Why? Because I wanted to share something extraordinary that I accomplished today. I made yams for the first time in my adult life...actually my entire life. Isn't that great?! Maybe...

Ok,that's not my real accomplishment. What I really achieved today was a sense of "okayness" (is that even a word?). I guess I should tell the story, and it does have to do with the yams afterall.

So, it is Thanksgiving and I decided to try this new recipe for yams. This is a shocker in more than one sense. For one, I do not like yams...in fact I rather dislike them. Second, I don't like to cook (or at least I thought I didn't like to cook). But that's beside the point.

There I was, chopping away at the yams, dicing them into bite-sized pieces and such. Then I made the sweet sauce stuff that goes on top of it (it consisted of butter...lots of butter, brown sugar, and Dr. Pepper of all things). I was actually feeling pretty confident about going through and preparing this traditional Thanksgiving dish. I wasn't freaking out, worrying if it was going to turn out ok. And that's the accomplishment right there.

I know, it might seem lame to some of you. But it's a real big thing for me. I mean, I used to freak out frying an egg...worrying if it was perfect or that it turned out the right shape, or the yolk was cooked enough. I was always afraid of judgment in that sense.

Well, not today! Yep, I baked some yams today without worrying about how they would turn out...even though it was brought to my attention that it's not a good idea to try out new recipes on Thanksgiving. Oops...wait...oh well. As I was pouring the sauce over the yams I had the thought: "It doesn't matter if they turn out. If they turn out good, then that great! It they don't, then it's not the end of the world."

So there you have it...I baked yams and it's not the end of the world, at least not for me. If it is the end of the world, my apologies in advance that I brought it on sooner than people were expecting (like 2012).

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know I have posted this song before as a song of the week, but I just had to post it again. For some reason the message in it has been really resonating with me lately. I heard it on the radio the other night and just felt that I had to post it again.

The message is so powerful. You are more...than your past mistakes...than the choices that you make...You are more...than the problems you face, that you create... You are more...than what you have done, and what's been done to you. You are have not fallen too low to love. Even if you feel broken, you are more than that. You are more...you deserve to be loved.

This is a message I have been trying to get myself to believe in since I left the hospital 5 months ago. That I am more than what happened to me then...that I am more than those choices that I made. That I am more now...that I am still growing, changing, and being remade.



"Your are More" by Tenth Avenue North

...that I start to struggle a bit when it gets to the "anniversary" of my time in the hospital. Every month, in the middle of the month is when I start the hit that struggle point. There I am, looking at the calendar trying to figure out what date it is...and then it hits me...I was in the hospital five months ago.

I will admit that it has been hard for me to accept that I had to go the hospital...that I tried to hurt myself. I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I try to talk myself through it logically: "I was sick and needed help..." but it's on the emotional level that I can't believe it. I have made progress...I am not beating myself up over it as badly as I was before, and not at often either. It's just during those love days of the 14th through the 22nd of each month that it's hard.

I did write a pep-talk to help me when I do hit those down times. One thing that I wrote in there is the thing that I am striving to believe the most right now. I wrote: "I am glad I am still alive."

So...I learned a very good lesson at church today. A really good lesson...in fact, I think it was directed towards me...well, it felt that way. It hit me pretty hard. Today for Sunday school I decided to go to the marriage prep class (gasp! I know...roll your eyes if you want). Even though I am nowhere close to getting married I thought it would be a good idea to go. There are several reasons for this.

One of the main reasons is I want to do what I can to be ready when the opportunity for marriage comes. Most of my life growing up was filled with examples of unhealthy relationships, particularly in my mom's marriages. Also, I have realized recently that I need to worry less about finding a guy than making myself ready. Yes, I need to pursue dating more actively...and not run from it like I want to. But I also need to work on myself in the mean time. There are areas I need to improve in before I can have a healthy relationship with someone.

One of those areas was addressed in the class today: communication. Yep, that's a weak point for me still. I struggle with it a lot more than I want to admit. But guess what, communication is a pretty important part of a relationship...it's probably in the top five of most important things to have in a relationhsip. Couples need communication to be healthy and to thrive. And it needs to be the right kind of communication (which I will not go into now).

What is the hardest part of communication for me? Actually communicating. I always hide everything...what I am feeling, thinking, my talents/interests, etc. I am improving a little bit, but I realized that I still hide too much. Way too much. Why do I hide? Fear of getting hurt, rejected, made fun of, etc. I am working through this, at least I am trying to. But I realize I still need help in that area of getting past the fear. Counseling and group has helped, but I need to push myself more to open up... not just about the abuse and that crap, but about anything. My life for crying out loud! Talking about my days, the other person's day...how work was, etc.

I have a lot of work to do. I wonder if it is possible (again, irrational thought here) to get past the habit of hiding. I've been hiding my whole life. It's scary to put myself out there. It's scary for me to be close to someone. But I guess that ties in with another element of a healthy relationships: trust. If I trust someone then those fears subside or don't matter. Then I can let myself be close to them. To open myself up...and be loved and accepted for who I am. And I want to be able to provide that for someone else.

I guess the bottom line is, I am not ready for a relationship right now. It doesn't mean I can't work toward it, but it is something I need to improve in. I need to stop hiding, and in order to do that I need to trust more.

Any advice, suggestions, personal experiences/stories are more than welcome of this topic.

Yep, I have been having nightmares again. Not so frequently that it's causing me to break down or anything, but enough to catch my attention. Nightmares are so draining for me. Most of the time when I have a nightmare related to the abuse I usually see myself...a younger version of myself most of the time. There have been times where it is my present self.

For example, recently I had a nightmare where I was forced to submit to one of my abusers...and it was my present self!!! It really bothered me! It's one thing to look at myself as a child in that position, but now, as an adult, it was hard to see myself like that. Part of me wonders if I still believe that I deserve that kind of treatment. Or if I really am that vulnerable to getting hurt again.

His face was so clear in that nightmare...his face, his body...it was so vivid. It felt so real...too real...

Sometimes I wonder...and secretly fear...well, it's not so much a secret anymore...but I seriously wonder, think, believe, fear, etc. that I will end up alone. That I will always be alone. I know, irrational thought there. But here I am, and mid-twenties LDS girl striving to do what's right, live righteously, and all the while battling the demons from my past. And I'm worried about marriage!?!? Uh, yeah, I am. Well, not marriage specifically, but it is part of it. I am more worried that I will never be close to someone, and marriage is the first type of relationship that pops into my mind when I think of people who are close (assuming it is a healthy relationship, of course).

It's too late to go into detail now...I am far too tired to write down all of my fears/insecurities related to the aforementioned subject of relationships and closeness. I have a feeling that will be an interesting post. I hope you all get your noggins working....I could use some input on this one.

I don't know why, but I really like this song. It's from a group I used to listen to in my middle school/high school days. I stopped listening to them because a lot of their stuff was negative, depressing, etc. But I found this new song of theirs and I just love it! For me, it's my "angry song," the song I listen to when I am feeling upset and like I am being rundown by my past abusers. For me it depicts the constant struggle of breaking free from being entangled to the past...and it is a fight...a difficult fight where you sometimes feel like you are failing, falling, spiraling down. It's kind of my way of fighting back against that...my way of kicking butt and saying: "Hell no, you are not going to mess with my life anymore. I am going to do what I want with my life. You can't control me! I know who I am and you aren't going to drag me down with you!"

This week's song is called "What You Want" by Evanescence.



Song: What You Want
Artist: Evanescence
Album: Evanescence

Do what you what you want, if you have a dream for better
Do what you what you want till you don't want it anymore
(remember who you really are)

Do what you what you want, your world's closing in on you now
(it isn't over)
Stand and face the unknown
(got to remember who you really are)
Every heart in my hands like a pale reflection

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe we can break through

Do what you what you want, you don't have to lay your life down
(it isn't over)
Do what you what you want till you find what you're looking for
(got to remember who you really are)
But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe
Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe

There's still time close your eyes only love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul
Till we crash we're forever spiraling down, down, down, down

Hello, hello, its only me infecting everything you love
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to learn forgiveness

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe we can break through

(remember who you really are)
Do what you what you want