healing gracie

So...I learned a very good lesson at church today. A really good lesson...in fact, I think it was directed towards me...well, it felt that way. It hit me pretty hard. Today for Sunday school I decided to go to the marriage prep class (gasp! I know...roll your eyes if you want). Even though I am nowhere close to getting married I thought it would be a good idea to go. There are several reasons for this.

One of the main reasons is I want to do what I can to be ready when the opportunity for marriage comes. Most of my life growing up was filled with examples of unhealthy relationships, particularly in my mom's marriages. Also, I have realized recently that I need to worry less about finding a guy than making myself ready. Yes, I need to pursue dating more actively...and not run from it like I want to. But I also need to work on myself in the mean time. There are areas I need to improve in before I can have a healthy relationship with someone.

One of those areas was addressed in the class today: communication. Yep, that's a weak point for me still. I struggle with it a lot more than I want to admit. But guess what, communication is a pretty important part of a relationship...it's probably in the top five of most important things to have in a relationhsip. Couples need communication to be healthy and to thrive. And it needs to be the right kind of communication (which I will not go into now).

What is the hardest part of communication for me? Actually communicating. I always hide everything...what I am feeling, thinking, my talents/interests, etc. I am improving a little bit, but I realized that I still hide too much. Way too much. Why do I hide? Fear of getting hurt, rejected, made fun of, etc. I am working through this, at least I am trying to. But I realize I still need help in that area of getting past the fear. Counseling and group has helped, but I need to push myself more to open up... not just about the abuse and that crap, but about anything. My life for crying out loud! Talking about my days, the other person's day...how work was, etc.

I have a lot of work to do. I wonder if it is possible (again, irrational thought here) to get past the habit of hiding. I've been hiding my whole life. It's scary to put myself out there. It's scary for me to be close to someone. But I guess that ties in with another element of a healthy relationships: trust. If I trust someone then those fears subside or don't matter. Then I can let myself be close to them. To open myself up...and be loved and accepted for who I am. And I want to be able to provide that for someone else.

I guess the bottom line is, I am not ready for a relationship right now. It doesn't mean I can't work toward it, but it is something I need to improve in. I need to stop hiding, and in order to do that I need to trust more.

Any advice, suggestions, personal experiences/stories are more than welcome of this topic.