There I was, sitting in my room. Emotions were about ready to flood over the surface. I couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't. It hurts too much when I do. It hurts too much when I don't. Breathe in...breathe out.
I start thinking about my time in the hospital and all the feelings/memories I had pushed aside from that experience. It's hard to look back at that time. There is such a negative filter. I feel sick to my stomach, kind of like a knot has been tied in there...a very tight knot. I cringe as a wave of emotions starts to come up again. I try to brace myself...then I try to block the emotions...
Another thought...oh man...I promised myself I wouldn't stop the emotions when they came. I wouldn't fight them. I really don't want to feel it...any of it. It's too much. It's too draining. I bite my lip and I close my eyes...breathe in...breathe out. My eyes start to burn. A drop of water falls...it lands on my cheek. It runs down the side of my face, leaving a wet trail upon my skin. Another immediately follows. My chest feels tight...I gasp. And then a noise emanates from my throat...and I start to sob.
My eyes are wet with tears...paths of water have made several path down my face. I pull my knees up to my chest...wrap my arms around my legs...and hold myself...and I just cried...
I finally did it...I let myself cry. It was hard. It was scary (somewhat)...but I did it. And, I can't believe I am saying this, but I am glad that I did.
While I was in the hospital I met with a treatment team. This consists of at least a social worker, a psychaitrist, and a counselor. They were really great to work with, and they seemed to understand what I was going through.
One of the things they emphasized (especially my doctor) was my need to communicate and how much I struggled with that. My doctor pointed out that I don't communicate the way I want to (vocally). Because of this I have adopted ways of communicating that were not healthy (such as cutting and suicide). That makes sense to me. I had never thought about it until now, but me cutting was not only a way to express my pain to myself, but to others as well. "Can't you see how much pain I am in? This is real pain...it's not something in my head that I just need to snap out of." Cutting is my way of communicating that I am really struggling. If I am to the point where I am cutting, or wanting to cut, then what I am feeling emotionally is really intense.
This also applies to suicide. I made an attempt...and looking back I can see that part of it was a cry for help. I was struggling...I was ashamed that I was struggling. I had gotten to a point where I couldn't really tell my counselor what was going on with me. I wanted to...I just didn't know how. There were a few reasons behind the attempt, but one of them was me trying to say I was not doing ok. It was me trying to say "I don't want to live. I can't handle life. Please, someone, take me seriously." It was a cry for help. As my doctor said, I had acted out what I was feeling. I was trying to communicate to my counselor, to the women I go to group with even, that I was not ok...that I needed help.
I realize now that my life literally depends on my ability and willingness to communicate what I feel. I know that is something I need to work on and that it will take time. I may need some help being pushed outside my comfort zone so I can learn how to communicate. I know it will be hard...but I've got to do it.
Accepting Emotions
This post is actually going to be taken directly from a journal entry I made while I was in the hospital. During my hospital stay it was highly encouraged that I do journaling, because it helps a lot. There was a psych tech who worked with us on occasion and gave us journaling prompts or assignments, then later he would check up on it. One of the assignments was about emotions. The prompt was: How do you think accepting your emotions might affect your suffering? I tried to follow the prompt, but mostly I ended up writing about what I thought about emotions. So, here it is.
I know with me...and it's been kind of an epiphany since I have been here, that I am still afraid to feel. So afraid to feel. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. And often I believe that what I feel is wrong or I shouldn't be feeling that way. Or it's so powerful, strong, or overwhelming that I don't want to feel it...I feel like I will lose control. Other times it makes me physically sick. I have never really liked feeling. But in trying to shut down my unpleasant or difficult feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, etc.) I have shut down all my emotions.
I have learned that emotions are very important. They help me to interact with and interpret my environment. They help me to be safe and to help me decipher if I am in a good situation or bad. They can act as a warning and help me to realize when something is wrong, when I have a need, or when something needs to be taken care of. And they help me to recognize when those needs/wants are being taken care of, or not.
I have learned that emotions aren't good or bad. That I shouldn't moralize them. Emotions are there, they are a part of who I am and how I interact with the world. I have learned that before, but I have had a hard time accepting it. It's so ingrained into my mind that emotions are good and bad, black and white, it will take some time to change that thinking.
I do have to learn to accept how I feel. It will help me immensely. It's not good to hold feelings in; all that happens is it festers and becomes worse. And when it reveals itself again it is even harder to handle. It is healthier to let myself feel the emotion. It will be uncomfortable, yes, but it will be better in the end. The emotion needs to cycle through or it will take control.
By not letting myself feel my emotions, I am becoming subject to them. They begin to cloud my rational thinking. Then I become more vulnerable to acting out on my emotions and doing things that are harmful. In fact, it is safer to accept and feel my emotions instead of pushing them away and trying to bury them.
That's where I ended. I think I had intended to write more (because I have a few empty pages following), but I had gotten so busy that I wasn't able to get back to it (busy as in meeting with doctors, going to groups, etc.). So I will add some thoughts now I guess.
I look now at how I am in dealing with emotions and letting myself feel. For me, it is very hard to recognize what I am feeling, or even to differentiate between emotions. I often feel confused because it feels like there are so many things I am feeling at once, or other times I feel nothing at all. I tend to alternate between feeling extreme emotions (like anxiety, fear, etc.) and being completely numb. It scares me when I do feel the extreme emotions because I have a hard time getting calmed down afterwards.
I guess part of the reason why I don't speak about how I feel (whether it be pleasant or unpleasant/difficult feelings) is because I don't understand them most of the time. They are unknown territory for me. And, naturally, what is unknown tends to be frightening. Speaking out about what I feel makes the emotions real. It means I can't deny them. If they becomes real, then I feel that I can't handle them. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I have explored emotions somewhat with my counselor, and a lot while I was in the hospital...but those are safe environments for that. Where I spend most of my time tends not to be a place where all emotions are accepted and respected...in other words, it's not "safe." Even in my "safe" places, like counseling and group, I have a hard time expressing what I feel (my counselor can attest to that). It's not that I don't want to share what I feel...I do. It's that darn fear that gets in the way, every time. Fear of how others will react or think of me. Fear of what I have to say doesn't matter, or doesn't make sense. Fear of being judged or misunderstood. Fear of being looked at as a freak or someone who is messed up. Fear of breaking down in front of others and appearing weak. Fear of losing control. Fear that that emotions won't stop...that there is no end to the difficult ones. Fear of being left because it is too much to handle.
I need to work on overcoming that fear...and if I can't overcome it quite yet, I at least need to face it. If any of you have suggestions out there, any help on how to face this fear, please let me know. I could use some help right now.
Speaking. Now there is something I have a hard time doing...especially now. In fact, it's quite literal that I can't speak right now. I decided to catch a cough for the weekend and have lost my voice...well, most of it. When I open my mouth to talk nothing comes out most of the time, and when something does come out it tends to be pretty squeaky. Not fun!
Now, my real topic does have to do with speaking, or talking about how I feel. Speech is and can be a very powerful tool. It is often a highly desired trait--to speak--which is sought by many and mastered by few. Look at how much can be accomplished with a few words spoken out loud. People can be touched, nations influenced...the results are are numberless and can be either positive or negative. There is power in communicating. Yes, there are several ways to communicate (through writing, music, art, dance, body language, etc.), but speaking, actually verbalizing what is in your head appears to me to be the most effective. Don't get me wrong, I realize that about 10% of communication is verbal and the remaining 90% is non-verbal (these are guesstimate stats)...it just really strikes me at how important that 10% is...especially when I so struggle with that part.
Why do I have such a hard time speaking...saying what I truly think and feel? There are several reasons. The main one is...fear. Fear is the number one reason why I don't say anything. I will post more on this soon. I just wanted to introduce the topic of speaking and what my thoughts have been on it lately (and there are quite a few thoughts).