Well, it has been an interesting past couple of months. I haven't been on here to update anything because life has been so busy. I was juggling two jobs, trying to start a photography business, and I was dating someone pretty seriously. Now I have a little more free-time on my hands. Why? No longer dating someone. Yes, I am single again--or is it as usual?
This was the first relationship I had been in, well, in a while. At it was probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in. We even talked about marriage. We spent time together whenever we could match up our schedules. We talked for hours on the phone. And we were pretty open and honest with each other. I like him, and he liked me. He knew about my past and tried to cope with it as best he could...telling me he would be there every step of the way.
Then enter the drama. I started having a lot of triggers when I was around him. Those were hard, but I was able to manage those (most of the time, anyway). No, the hard part was the pressure that I was feeling. That pressure built as he told me his feelings on marriage and that he had an experience that told him that I was the "one." I felt pressured to live up to that. And I felt pressured because that is what I am supposed to do...move forward even if it is uncomfortable. I felt pressure from my friends, from the ward I am in (it is a single's ward afterall). But I wasn't ready. It was too much too fast and I needed a breather. I felt like I was suffocating, in a sense.
So I talked to my now ex and told him that I needed a break. He wondered why, and naturally wondered if it was him. It didn't, at least not at the time. Enter in 3 weeks of drama where I was on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I think I can say the same for my ex. I knew what I needed to do. I had prayed about it...pondered it. I even gave myself scheduled quiet time to think it through. All I needed after that was a break from my ex. Well, he made that pretty hard. He kept texting and such asking when I would be "ready." All I could tell him was that I did not know.
Long story short, I went back and forth questioning myself whether I had made the right decision to take a break. I questioned it a lot because of what my ex had said to me over the next few weeks. And what he kept telling me was pressuring me more. I felt trapped and that I was being forced towards a decision I wasn't ready to make. I was overwhelmed and it was taking it's toll on me. And it took its toll on him. For that I feel horrible. I even had a break down over it (not going to go into that one).
End of long story...we broke up more than we intended. I at first needed a break, but the continuous pressure pushed me further away that I lost my desire to keep going in, especially where I was questioning whether or not I wanted the relationship to go further.
I handled the break up pretty well, for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I broke up with him...in fact, I feel like a load of pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No, the hardest part of this whole thing is dealing with the being alone part...the fear of being alone and wondering if anyone can handle me. My ex was a really great guy, don't get me wrong there. He was very patient at first, very understanding, and always willing to listen. He kept making sure that things he was doing weren't triggering to me and such. And he said he would "wait for me to be ready" and help me through the process. That he loved me enough that he would. But me freaking out, getting scared, and triggered, and feeling pressured, that my choice was being taken away, it got too hard. He couldn't stand me taking a step back when he wanted to go forward. I had to take a step back, for my own sake really. It caused him a lot of pain though.
That's my fear: is there going to be anyone who can handle what I have to deal with when it comes to my past. I don't choose for this "stuff" to come up. All that's in my power is to choose how I handle it. And I am still learning to handle things in a healthy way. But maybe I am too much for someone to handle. Too much emotions, too much physical withdrawal, too much fear, lack of trust, etc. No one wants to deal with that, and I wonder if I should expect anyone too. I realize I have to do my part, and I feel that I did when it came to this relationship. I went well beyond my comfort zone. And it was a terrifying experience at times. It's just so hard right now, wondering if there is someone who can love me for me...all of me. Not just the parts they like and try to push the "nonsense" stuff out of view. It hurts...a lot.
What if my heart is too broken to love...and to give?
So...I learned a very good lesson at church today. A really good lesson...in fact, I think it was directed towards me...well, it felt that way. It hit me pretty hard. Today for Sunday school I decided to go to the marriage prep class (gasp! I know...roll your eyes if you want). Even though I am nowhere close to getting married I thought it would be a good idea to go. There are several reasons for this.
One of the main reasons is I want to do what I can to be ready when the opportunity for marriage comes. Most of my life growing up was filled with examples of unhealthy relationships, particularly in my mom's marriages. Also, I have realized recently that I need to worry less about finding a guy than making myself ready. Yes, I need to pursue dating more actively...and not run from it like I want to. But I also need to work on myself in the mean time. There are areas I need to improve in before I can have a healthy relationship with someone.
One of those areas was addressed in the class today: communication. Yep, that's a weak point for me still. I struggle with it a lot more than I want to admit. But guess what, communication is a pretty important part of a relationship...it's probably in the top five of most important things to have in a relationhsip. Couples need communication to be healthy and to thrive. And it needs to be the right kind of communication (which I will not go into now).
What is the hardest part of communication for me? Actually communicating. I always hide everything...what I am feeling, thinking, my talents/interests, etc. I am improving a little bit, but I realized that I still hide too much. Way too much. Why do I hide? Fear of getting hurt, rejected, made fun of, etc. I am working through this, at least I am trying to. But I realize I still need help in that area of getting past the fear. Counseling and group has helped, but I need to push myself more to open up... not just about the abuse and that crap, but about anything. My life for crying out loud! Talking about my days, the other person's day...how work was, etc.
I have a lot of work to do. I wonder if it is possible (again, irrational thought here) to get past the habit of hiding. I've been hiding my whole life. It's scary to put myself out there. It's scary for me to be close to someone. But I guess that ties in with another element of a healthy relationships: trust. If I trust someone then those fears subside or don't matter. Then I can let myself be close to them. To open myself up...and be loved and accepted for who I am. And I want to be able to provide that for someone else.
I guess the bottom line is, I am not ready for a relationship right now. It doesn't mean I can't work toward it, but it is something I need to improve in. I need to stop hiding, and in order to do that I need to trust more.
Any advice, suggestions, personal experiences/stories are more than welcome of this topic.
Sometimes I wonder...and secretly fear...well, it's not so much a secret anymore...but I seriously wonder, think, believe, fear, etc. that I will end up alone. That I will always be alone. I know, irrational thought there. But here I am, and mid-twenties LDS girl striving to do what's right, live righteously, and all the while battling the demons from my past. And I'm worried about marriage!?!? Uh, yeah, I am. Well, not marriage specifically, but it is part of it. I am more worried that I will never be close to someone, and marriage is the first type of relationship that pops into my mind when I think of people who are close (assuming it is a healthy relationship, of course).
It's too late to go into detail now...I am far too tired to write down all of my fears/insecurities related to the aforementioned subject of relationships and closeness. I have a feeling that will be an interesting post. I hope you all get your noggins working....I could use some input on this one.
Dating is hard for me...really hard. I like it, and then I hate it. And then I can't seem to make up my mind about it.
I went on a date recently...a blind date. Gasp! I had sworn blind dates away a couple years ago because of quite a few bad experiences. And it seemed the dates got worse the more blind dates I went on. Yeah, I've got some interesting stories there.
Anyhoo, so I went out on this date. I was excited. I was nervous. I kept questioning my decision to have agreed to this date in the first place. And then the time came. My date showed up and we did dinner and a movie. And I had a great time! I was able to be myself (at least I think that was myself). I actually was able to carry out a conversation with him...though there were some awkward moments. We laughed, joked, talked about different things in our lives, asked questions. I guess your usual "first date talk."
Overall, I had a good time. I felt comfortable, for the most part. And he seems like a nice guy.
Enter curve ball.
I can't seem to figure out why I have such mixed up feelings about going out with him again. I can't tell if it's intuition or what that's telling me I shouldn't, or if it's fear. And add into the scene my insecurities with guys and relationships, and you get one big complicated and confusing mess. It looks like I have something else to keep my mind preoccupied for the next little while.
I will keep you all posted...maybe...