healing gracie

I apologize to all my readers (who are hopefully sound asleep as I am typing this)...This is a random, frustration post that may have no point to it whatsoever. It is late (or should I say very early) and I may not make any sense.

Yes, it is nearly 2 in the morning, and I am still wide awake. I mean really awake. I'm wired...definitely not relaxed...though I feel exhausted. I don't know why I am so awake...can't seem to figure out why. Yeah, this is not going to fit well with my "sleep schedule"...nope...it totally disrupts it. I'm definitely going to be paying for it tomorrow morning.

...I think I may try sleeping now...wish me luck!

Sadly, my dreams have not gotten any better these past few nights. In fact, they have only gotten worse...more disturbing. I wonder where these images are coming from in my mind. They are just so...ugh...they make me feel sick. It's one thing to have them haunt me at night, but I find those images coming to my mind when I am awake. It's like they are so ingrained into my consciousness that they will never go away. I don't know what's going on right now. My dreams haven't been this bad in a long time. It's really taking it's toll on me. I feel so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm afraid to close my eyes because of the images that appear. It's really starting to scare me.

Sleep has not been coming to me easily these past few weeks. On average I've been sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night. And I can definitely feel it.

I know the partial reason for this, at least I think I do. I mentioned in a previous post about me experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks recently. These triggers and flashbacks keep me pretty tensed up. My mind and body take a long time to calm down because they think they are in a traumatic situation, so they act as though they are. And I believe that is one main cause for my lack of sleep. I am tired, exhausted, and ready to sleep, but my mind and body are so wound-up that it's nearly impossible for me to be relaxed enough to enter the realm of slumber (especially in a timely manner).

Now, I do sleep some. How do I know this...because of all the dreams I have been having lately. But these have not been good dreams. No, they have been disturbing, scary, gruesome...and just draining. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in tears from these dreams. I have felt violated, again! I have seen loved ones hurt or even killed in these dreams. I am often in situations where I am powerless and physically lost.

So in other words, when I do happen to sleep my mind is constantly being attcked by horrible images. That makes sleep not so appealing. Sleep is supposed to be something to help your body heal and recharge. I'm am definitely not getting that. In fact, it seems more that my hours in slumber are more damaging than they are healing.