This is not a good pattern to be in. Nope. Because of all the emotional upheaval lately, I have just felt so drained and exhausted. What is there to remedy that? Naturally, sleep. So I sluggishly get into my pj's and try to go to sleep. Only my mind keeps on ticking for what seems to be hours. I toss and turn for a while only to realize that my efforts to fall asleep have proven vain.
Eventually I do drift off into the world of slumber, but I must say that my sleep lately has been anything but restful. Every night for the past two weeks I have had nightmares. Each one of them has had at least one of my abusers in it...and it has been very vivid. By this I mean that the details, imagery, feelings, etc. are so real to my senses that my mind registers what I am experiencing in the dream as really happening. My nightmares are not pretty, and lately it's been the more invasive ones. I wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. I feel all shaky and panicky and oftentimes very sick. No wonder I wake up in the morning feeling even more tired than when I went to bed. I'm constantly being violated in my sleep...and it is so draining emotionally, physically, mentally.
I don't know why my nightmares have been so terrible lately. The last time they were this bad was before I was in the hospital last year. That's pretty bad. I am betting that something has triggered it, but I am not sure what. All I can say is that it is really starting to wear down on me.
Yep, I have been having nightmares again. Not so frequently that it's causing me to break down or anything, but enough to catch my attention. Nightmares are so draining for me. Most of the time when I have a nightmare related to the abuse I usually see myself...a younger version of myself most of the time. There have been times where it is my present self.
For example, recently I had a nightmare where I was forced to submit to one of my abusers...and it was my present self!!! It really bothered me! It's one thing to look at myself as a child in that position, but now, as an adult, it was hard to see myself like that. Part of me wonders if I still believe that I deserve that kind of treatment. Or if I really am that vulnerable to getting hurt again.
His face was so clear in that nightmare...his face, his body...it was so vivid. It felt so real...too real...
I have been doing pretty well with nightmares lately, until last night. It was a pretty intense nightmare...and I have no idea what triggered it. It had to do with one of my abusers...and he was attacking me, coming after me with a knife. I remember the fear I felt, it was so real. That dream had me on the brink of tears.
Sadly, my dreams have not gotten any better these past few nights. In fact, they have only gotten worse...more disturbing. I wonder where these images are coming from in my mind. They are just so...ugh...they make me feel sick. It's one thing to have them haunt me at night, but I find those images coming to my mind when I am awake. It's like they are so ingrained into my consciousness that they will never go away. I don't know what's going on right now. My dreams haven't been this bad in a long time. It's really taking it's toll on me. I feel so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm afraid to close my eyes because of the images that appear. It's really starting to scare me.
Sleep has not been coming to me easily these past few weeks. On average I've been sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night. And I can definitely feel it.
I know the partial reason for this, at least I think I do. I mentioned in a previous post about me experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks recently. These triggers and flashbacks keep me pretty tensed up. My mind and body take a long time to calm down because they think they are in a traumatic situation, so they act as though they are. And I believe that is one main cause for my lack of sleep. I am tired, exhausted, and ready to sleep, but my mind and body are so wound-up that it's nearly impossible for me to be relaxed enough to enter the realm of slumber (especially in a timely manner).
Now, I do sleep some. How do I know this...because of all the dreams I have been having lately. But these have not been good dreams. No, they have been disturbing, scary, gruesome...and just draining. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in tears from these dreams. I have felt violated, again! I have seen loved ones hurt or even killed in these dreams. I am often in situations where I am powerless and physically lost.
So in other words, when I do happen to sleep my mind is constantly being attcked by horrible images. That makes sleep not so appealing. Sleep is supposed to be something to help your body heal and recharge. I'm am definitely not getting that. In fact, it seems more that my hours in slumber are more damaging than they are healing.