healing gracie

Here is the song of the week. It is called "For Those Who Wait" by Fireflight. Enjoy!



Song: For Those Who Wait
Artist: Fireflight
Album: For Those Who Wait

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

[CHROUS]
So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

[CHORUS]

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

[CHORUS]

It's been over a month now since I was discharged from the hospital. I remember at group the other night one of the gals had asked me afterwards how I was doing. She asked if I feeling better...because I was looking better. I was honest with her and said that I look more put together than I really am. I still feel really overwhelmed and just drained by everything. Tasks that should be simple feel so hard to me. And I still feel really vulnerable to the suicidal thoughts that enter my mind on occasion.

I had met with my counselor last week, and she gave me a "homework assignment" to do three things to help me hang in there. One of those three things was to do a visualization where I picture myself as I want to be. I visualize my "perfect" self...me acting, feeling, doing, saying things that I want to. Now, it's impossible to be perfect, but I see the reasoning behind this and trying to move forward and progress.

To be honest...that is so hard for me. In fact, it was harder than I thought. Every time I try to do this, I try to see myself doing the things I want to do, having the experiences that I want to have...it doesn't last. I hate to say this, but I still see myself eventually giving up...no matter what happens. I still see me giving in. I don't see myself improving...I don't see myself in the future. At job interviews, or even random questions from friends they ask: "Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?" The truth is, I don't.

I don't see myself making a difference in people's lives...I don't see myself helping anyone. I don't see myself getting a business up and running. I don't see myself loving someone, and someone loving me enough to want to spend eternity with me. I don't see myself getting married and having a family. I don't see me raising my kids, taking them to dance or soccer games. I don't see myself growing spiritually, or my testimony being strong enough to uphold me through times of trial. I look at other families, read stories about others on their blogs. I see them having a life...living life with people who love them, and who they love. I wonder if that is even possible for me.

I don't see myself at all in the future...like I'm not there...like there is no future for me. It's really hard right now. Things haven't gotten any easier. Here I am at this point, maybe a few steps away from the rock bottom I was at. I'm not where I want to be...not even close. The problem is, I don't know how to go from where I am now, to where I want to be. Sometimes I wonder if I fell too far. Every day, it's just me surviving...just hanging in there. I feel like I am barely surviving most days...is it even possible to thrive when it's all I can do just to survive?

For some reason, this past week has been kind of tough as far as triggers go. For those of you who don't know, "triggers" are certain situations, feelings, percpetions, sensations, etc. that remind me of any of the abusive experiences I had as a child. They can often lead to flashbacks for some people...they do for me. This past week, I have been feeling on edge a lot. And I have had triggers going off like crazy. A certain smell, sight, sound...and I start to go into kind of a panic. And then there are times when I have a flashback.

Flashbacks are kind of a "reliving the experience" type of thing. In the present moment you are safe, nothing is happening. But then you hear a certain sound, or someone touches you in a certain way and it feels like you are transported back to that time when you were not safe. So what do you do? You act like you would in an unsafe situation. Your body goes into the fight or flight mode (or the freeze mode). Your heart races as your body tries to get more blood pumping through your body, preparing it to either fight back or escape. Your mind starts racing. You feel like you are going crazy. Memories start flashing through your mind almost automatically, making the flashback all the more real. You feel scared, vulnerable...

A lot of times that is what it feels like to me when I experience a flashback. Sometimes I can pull myself through it. I can remind myself of where I am at and that what I am experiencing at that moment is not all real (hopefully this is making some sense...it's quite hard to explain). I try to remind myself that I am safe...I try to calm myself down...by deep breathing, counting backwards from ten, or doing something that engages me in the present moment. It's hard when I experience a flashback because it feels like I am being victimized again. It feels like I am that vulnerable little girl again.

As I said before, this week has been full of triggers. Some I have been able to identify, others I haven't. Some that I experienced this week: the smell of alcohol in someone's breath; cigarette smoke; someone grabbing me from behind; someone touching my shoulder; someone grabbing my arm; looking at a lake full of cold water; driving past a familiar campground; certain songs on the radio; seeing someone start rubbing someone else's back; loud noises; stomping of feet on the floor...I think I am going to end it there for now. It's late and I need to sleep.

I can't believe it has been that long since I was discharged from the hospital. I can't believe how much time has passed already. It feel weird...it feels like it was so long ago, but at the same time it feels like I was just there yesterday.

I wish I could say I am doing great...that I am fine and enjoying life. And I am, on some days, but more days that not I am still fighting this ugly battle with depression. I am working on it...I am learning ways to deal with it (in a more healthy way). In fact, there was a night when I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean I was curled up in a ball just sobbing and shaking. I was really hurting because of something I had no control of. Then I did something that I don't usually do: I reached out for help. I sent a text to a member of a group I am currently attending. I told her I needed help calming down, and she gave me some suggestions. I did not do anything she suggested, but I did something I had suggested to myself: a puzzle. So shakily, I got out a 1000-piece puzzle and got to work. And I was surprised at how much it helped. I had to really focus on that puzzle, so it got me to take my mind off what had bothered me so much, as well as the unhealthy coping mechanisms I would have normally turned to (like cutting).

Long story short...I made it through that night. And I am still making it. It's really hard some days. I've been beating myself up a lot because of what I almost did. But each day I am choosing to keep going, even if it's just barely surviving. Moment by moment. Minute by minute if that's all I can handle.

And now it's time for the song of the week! This week's song is "All Around Me" by the band Flyleaf. I love this band, which I am sure I have mentioned in a previous post. Their songs are amazing and most of the time talk about overcoming the hard stuff in life...even when you feel like you are broken. I love the music video for this song...it's simple but a really interesting concept (and possibly something I would want to try...heck, I will put it on the bucket list). Enjoy!



Song: All Around Me
Artist: Flyleaf
Album: Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

[CHORUS]
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive
I'm alive

[CHORUS]

So I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Here is this week's song: I Need You to Love Me by BarlowGirl.



Song: I Need You to Love Me
Artist: BarlowGirl
Album: Another Journal Entry

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[CHORUS]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

[CHORUS]

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

While I was in the hospital I met with a treatment team. This consists of at least a social worker, a psychaitrist, and a counselor. They were really great to work with, and they seemed to understand what I was going through.

One of the things they emphasized (especially my doctor) was my need to communicate and how much I struggled with that. My doctor pointed out that I don't communicate the way I want to (vocally). Because of this I have adopted ways of communicating that were not healthy (such as cutting and suicide). That makes sense to me. I had never thought about it until now, but me cutting was not only a way to express my pain to myself, but to others as well. "Can't you see how much pain I am in? This is real pain...it's not something in my head that I just need to snap out of." Cutting is my way of communicating that I am really struggling. If I am to the point where I am cutting, or wanting to cut, then what I am feeling emotionally is really intense.

This also applies to suicide. I made an attempt...and looking back I can see that part of it was a cry for help. I was struggling...I was ashamed that I was struggling. I had gotten to a point where I couldn't really tell my counselor what was going on with me. I wanted to...I just didn't know how. There were a few reasons behind the attempt, but one of them was me trying to say I was not doing ok. It was me trying to say "I don't want to live. I can't handle life. Please, someone, take me seriously." It was a cry for help. As my doctor said, I had acted out what I was feeling. I was trying to communicate to my counselor, to the women I go to group with even, that I was not ok...that I needed help.

I realize now that my life literally depends on my ability and willingness to communicate what I feel. I know that is something I need to work on and that it will take time. I may need some help being pushed outside my comfort zone so I can learn how to communicate. I know it will be hard...but I've got to do it.

Yes, I have another confession. It is weird how this one kind of hit me. I had met with my counselor last week...I didn't talk much. I was struggling and feeling pretty discouraged (I'm still feeling that way to be honest). There was something that my counselor said that really hit me...in fact in got me crying a bit. She had asked if I truly realized that the abuse was not my fault. If I believed I was not to blame for what happened...that the fault was with the perpetrators. That I was just there...that I did nothing to deserve what happened to me.

It really hit me then...I still feel like it was my fault. Notice I said "feel." In my head, it makes sense logically: the abuse was not my fault...I didn't deserve it. But I don't feel that way, I don't believe it outside my mind. For some reason it's "easier" to believe it was my fault. In some weird, twisted way it puts the control in my court. I did something wrong, that's why bad things happen. If I do something right, then bad things won't happen. Big thinking error, I know...but it's how my life has been led this whole time.

I had started crying a little because I was shocked that I still felt that way...I mean it's been three years for crying out loud. I shouldn't be feeling that way. I should know by now (and feel) that it wasn't my fault. I don't know, I guess there is comfort in believing it was my fault...it's what I am familiar with and used to. I need to change that...and that change is going to be uncomfortable. But I need to do it. I need to not only know, but feel that I didn't deserve what happened to me as a child.

Accepting Emotions

This post is actually going to be taken directly from a journal entry I made while I was in the hospital. During my hospital stay it was highly encouraged that I do journaling, because it helps a lot. There was a psych tech who worked with us on occasion and gave us journaling prompts or assignments, then later he would check up on it. One of the assignments was about emotions. The prompt was: How do you think accepting your emotions might affect your suffering? I tried to follow the prompt, but mostly I ended up writing about what I thought about emotions. So, here it is.

I know with me...and it's been kind of an epiphany since I have been here, that I am still afraid to feel. So afraid to feel. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. And often I believe that what I feel is wrong or I shouldn't be feeling that way. Or it's so powerful, strong, or overwhelming that I don't want to feel it...I feel like I will lose control. Other times it makes me physically sick. I have never really liked feeling. But in trying to shut down my unpleasant or difficult feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, etc.) I have shut down all my emotions.

I have learned that emotions are very important. They help me to interact with and interpret my environment. They help me to be safe and to help me decipher if I am in a good situation or bad. They can act as a warning and help me to realize when something is wrong, when I have a need, or when something needs to be taken care of. And they help me to recognize when those needs/wants are being taken care of, or not.

I have learned that emotions aren't good or bad. That I shouldn't moralize them. Emotions are there, they are a part of who I am and how I interact with the world. I have learned that before, but I have had a hard time accepting it. It's so ingrained into my mind that emotions are good and bad, black and white, it will take some time to change that thinking.

I do have to learn to accept how I feel. It will help me immensely. It's not good to hold feelings in; all that happens is it festers and becomes worse. And when it reveals itself again it is even harder to handle. It is healthier to let myself feel the emotion. It will be uncomfortable, yes, but it will be better in the end. The emotion needs to cycle through or it will take control.

By not letting myself feel my emotions, I am becoming subject to them. They begin to cloud my rational thinking. Then I become more vulnerable to acting out on my emotions and doing things that are harmful. In fact, it is safer to accept and feel my emotions instead of pushing them away and trying to bury them.

That's where I ended. I think I had intended to write more (because I have a few empty pages following), but I had gotten so busy that I wasn't able to get back to it (busy as in meeting with doctors, going to groups, etc.). So I will add some thoughts now I guess.

I look now at how I am in dealing with emotions and letting myself feel. For me, it is very hard to recognize what I am feeling, or even to differentiate between emotions. I often feel confused because it feels like there are so many things I am feeling at once, or other times I feel nothing at all. I tend to alternate between feeling extreme emotions (like anxiety, fear, etc.) and being completely numb. It scares me when I do feel the extreme emotions because I have a hard time getting calmed down afterwards.

I guess part of the reason why I don't speak about how I feel (whether it be pleasant or unpleasant/difficult feelings) is because I don't understand them most of the time. They are unknown territory for me. And, naturally, what is unknown tends to be frightening. Speaking out about what I feel makes the emotions real. It means I can't deny them. If they becomes real, then I feel that I can't handle them. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I have explored emotions somewhat with my counselor, and a lot while I was in the hospital...but those are safe environments for that. Where I spend most of my time tends not to be a place where all emotions are accepted and respected...in other words, it's not "safe." Even in my "safe" places, like counseling and group, I have a hard time expressing what I feel (my counselor can attest to that). It's not that I don't want to share what I feel...I do. It's that darn fear that gets in the way, every time. Fear of how others will react or think of me. Fear of what I have to say doesn't matter, or doesn't make sense. Fear of being judged or misunderstood. Fear of being looked at as a freak or someone who is messed up. Fear of breaking down in front of others and appearing weak. Fear of losing control. Fear that that emotions won't stop...that there is no end to the difficult ones. Fear of being left because it is too much to handle.

I need to work on overcoming that fear...and if I can't overcome it quite yet, I at least need to face it. If any of you have suggestions out there, any help on how to face this fear, please let me know. I could use some help right now.

I feel like crying right now...I feel like screaming. It hurts...it really hurts right now. But I'd rather stay numb...I can't handle these emotions now...still...it's been over two weeks since I've been out of the hospital, and I still don't know how to deal with it...don't know if I can.

Speaking. Now there is something I have a hard time doing...especially now. In fact, it's quite literal that I can't speak right now. I decided to catch a cough for the weekend and have lost my voice...well, most of it. When I open my mouth to talk nothing comes out most of the time, and when something does come out it tends to be pretty squeaky. Not fun!

Now, my real topic does have to do with speaking, or talking about how I feel. Speech is and can be a very powerful tool. It is often a highly desired trait--to speak--which is sought by many and mastered by few. Look at how much can be accomplished with a few words spoken out loud. People can be touched, nations influenced...the results are are numberless and can be either positive or negative. There is power in communicating. Yes, there are several ways to communicate (through writing, music, art, dance, body language, etc.), but speaking, actually verbalizing what is in your head appears to me to be the most effective. Don't get me wrong, I realize that about 10% of communication is verbal and the remaining 90% is non-verbal (these are guesstimate stats)...it just really strikes me at how important that 10% is...especially when I so struggle with that part.

Why do I have such a hard time speaking...saying what I truly think and feel? There are several reasons. The main one is...fear. Fear is the number one reason why I don't say anything. I will post more on this soon. I just wanted to introduce the topic of speaking and what my thoughts have been on it lately (and there are quite a few thoughts).

I heard this song on the radio this past week...I actually heard it a couple of times. I wonder if this can be true for me. I can really relate to the lyrics on this one. The girl in the corner...that's who I feel like right now.



Song: You Are More
Album: The Light Meets the Dark
Artist: Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was,
and I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love."

But don't you know who you are
What has been done for you
Don't you know who you are

[CHORUS]
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it that she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight
She knows all the answers and she's rehearsed all the lines
So she'll try to do better but then she's too weak to try

Don't you know who you are?

[CHORUS]

‘Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel but He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you new

That's what I feel like right now...a burden. Emotionally, financially (especially now). I know I shouldn't think it, but it just keeps popping into my head: I just make things worse for myself and everyone else. Me having a crisis has strained my relationships, with my family and some friends (the ones who know what happened). It's placed a huge financial burden on my family. It has caused so much pain and frustration for those who care for me. I've put myself into a position I can't seem to explain to others without feeling some sort of shame. And I don't know what to do to make it better. Everything is just a mess...and I am the cause of it.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold."   --Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

For some reason this quote popped into my head as I've been thinking about my transition back into life outside the hospital. What can I say, I'm a Lord of the Rings fan. Anyway, it's been tough this past week and a half (I can't believe it's been that long already).

How do I pick up on my life? How do I go back to life after all that I went through? After I tried to end my life? How? I've been trying to go about with my life as usual. Go to work...go to church...spend time with friends, etc. It all just feels so...empty. I feel like it's not me who is there. Or all of me, anyway. Maybe a part of me did die when I attempted.

I'm also still struggling with not wanting to live. I may not want to die right now, but I don't want to live either. I'm too afraid to live life...to afraid of messing up, of getting hurt, of failing. I fell, and I fell hard. I fell so hard I wonder how I will ever recover from it. I talked to a friend the other day...very briefly (thank goodness, because I did a terrible job at keeping it together). She told me that things would get better. I wanted to believe her so badly, but I kept thinking: "How? How can it get better, especially after what I've done? How? I don't see how it can get better." That's when I lost control of the floodgates and started to cry. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to make my friend uncomfortable (too late). I kept apologizing over and over because I was crying. I then left in a hurry.

Everyone wants me to be okay...to be better. But to be honest, life still looks pretty bleak to me. I am doing my best to hang in there. To make it through each day, one day at a time. It's almost unbearable at times, and the shame and guilt I feel is so overwhelming. I feel horrible and so alone in dealing with this. And it's my fault. I feel like I've let everyone down: my family, my friends, my counselor, the women I go to group with, Heavenly Father, my Savior, myself. I really messed up.

Do I start over? Do I pick up where I left off? Where do I go from here?

This song has a lot of meaning for me right now. I loved it before I had my crisis, but now it is even more personal it seems. I fell...and I fell hard...and it's been hard to pick myself back up ever since. I know I need to be lifted up right now. I know there is only One who can do that...the question is, am I worth being lifted up? That is something I need to work on.

This week's song is called "Lift Me Up" by the Afters.



Song: Lift Me Up
Artist: The Afters
Album: Light Up the Sky

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up