healing gracie

Accepting Emotions

This post is actually going to be taken directly from a journal entry I made while I was in the hospital. During my hospital stay it was highly encouraged that I do journaling, because it helps a lot. There was a psych tech who worked with us on occasion and gave us journaling prompts or assignments, then later he would check up on it. One of the assignments was about emotions. The prompt was: How do you think accepting your emotions might affect your suffering? I tried to follow the prompt, but mostly I ended up writing about what I thought about emotions. So, here it is.

I know with me...and it's been kind of an epiphany since I have been here, that I am still afraid to feel. So afraid to feel. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. And often I believe that what I feel is wrong or I shouldn't be feeling that way. Or it's so powerful, strong, or overwhelming that I don't want to feel it...I feel like I will lose control. Other times it makes me physically sick. I have never really liked feeling. But in trying to shut down my unpleasant or difficult feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, etc.) I have shut down all my emotions.

I have learned that emotions are very important. They help me to interact with and interpret my environment. They help me to be safe and to help me decipher if I am in a good situation or bad. They can act as a warning and help me to realize when something is wrong, when I have a need, or when something needs to be taken care of. And they help me to recognize when those needs/wants are being taken care of, or not.

I have learned that emotions aren't good or bad. That I shouldn't moralize them. Emotions are there, they are a part of who I am and how I interact with the world. I have learned that before, but I have had a hard time accepting it. It's so ingrained into my mind that emotions are good and bad, black and white, it will take some time to change that thinking.

I do have to learn to accept how I feel. It will help me immensely. It's not good to hold feelings in; all that happens is it festers and becomes worse. And when it reveals itself again it is even harder to handle. It is healthier to let myself feel the emotion. It will be uncomfortable, yes, but it will be better in the end. The emotion needs to cycle through or it will take control.

By not letting myself feel my emotions, I am becoming subject to them. They begin to cloud my rational thinking. Then I become more vulnerable to acting out on my emotions and doing things that are harmful. In fact, it is safer to accept and feel my emotions instead of pushing them away and trying to bury them.

That's where I ended. I think I had intended to write more (because I have a few empty pages following), but I had gotten so busy that I wasn't able to get back to it (busy as in meeting with doctors, going to groups, etc.). So I will add some thoughts now I guess.

I look now at how I am in dealing with emotions and letting myself feel. For me, it is very hard to recognize what I am feeling, or even to differentiate between emotions. I often feel confused because it feels like there are so many things I am feeling at once, or other times I feel nothing at all. I tend to alternate between feeling extreme emotions (like anxiety, fear, etc.) and being completely numb. It scares me when I do feel the extreme emotions because I have a hard time getting calmed down afterwards.

I guess part of the reason why I don't speak about how I feel (whether it be pleasant or unpleasant/difficult feelings) is because I don't understand them most of the time. They are unknown territory for me. And, naturally, what is unknown tends to be frightening. Speaking out about what I feel makes the emotions real. It means I can't deny them. If they becomes real, then I feel that I can't handle them. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I have explored emotions somewhat with my counselor, and a lot while I was in the hospital...but those are safe environments for that. Where I spend most of my time tends not to be a place where all emotions are accepted and respected...in other words, it's not "safe." Even in my "safe" places, like counseling and group, I have a hard time expressing what I feel (my counselor can attest to that). It's not that I don't want to share what I feel...I do. It's that darn fear that gets in the way, every time. Fear of how others will react or think of me. Fear of what I have to say doesn't matter, or doesn't make sense. Fear of being judged or misunderstood. Fear of being looked at as a freak or someone who is messed up. Fear of breaking down in front of others and appearing weak. Fear of losing control. Fear that that emotions won't stop...that there is no end to the difficult ones. Fear of being left because it is too much to handle.

I need to work on overcoming that fear...and if I can't overcome it quite yet, I at least need to face it. If any of you have suggestions out there, any help on how to face this fear, please let me know. I could use some help right now.