healing gracie

While I was in the hospital I met with a treatment team. This consists of at least a social worker, a psychaitrist, and a counselor. They were really great to work with, and they seemed to understand what I was going through.

One of the things they emphasized (especially my doctor) was my need to communicate and how much I struggled with that. My doctor pointed out that I don't communicate the way I want to (vocally). Because of this I have adopted ways of communicating that were not healthy (such as cutting and suicide). That makes sense to me. I had never thought about it until now, but me cutting was not only a way to express my pain to myself, but to others as well. "Can't you see how much pain I am in? This is real pain...it's not something in my head that I just need to snap out of." Cutting is my way of communicating that I am really struggling. If I am to the point where I am cutting, or wanting to cut, then what I am feeling emotionally is really intense.

This also applies to suicide. I made an attempt...and looking back I can see that part of it was a cry for help. I was struggling...I was ashamed that I was struggling. I had gotten to a point where I couldn't really tell my counselor what was going on with me. I wanted to...I just didn't know how. There were a few reasons behind the attempt, but one of them was me trying to say I was not doing ok. It was me trying to say "I don't want to live. I can't handle life. Please, someone, take me seriously." It was a cry for help. As my doctor said, I had acted out what I was feeling. I was trying to communicate to my counselor, to the women I go to group with even, that I was not ok...that I needed help.

I realize now that my life literally depends on my ability and willingness to communicate what I feel. I know that is something I need to work on and that it will take time. I may need some help being pushed outside my comfort zone so I can learn how to communicate. I know it will be hard...but I've got to do it.