healing gracie

For some reason, this past week has been kind of tough as far as triggers go. For those of you who don't know, "triggers" are certain situations, feelings, percpetions, sensations, etc. that remind me of any of the abusive experiences I had as a child. They can often lead to flashbacks for some people...they do for me. This past week, I have been feeling on edge a lot. And I have had triggers going off like crazy. A certain smell, sight, sound...and I start to go into kind of a panic. And then there are times when I have a flashback.

Flashbacks are kind of a "reliving the experience" type of thing. In the present moment you are safe, nothing is happening. But then you hear a certain sound, or someone touches you in a certain way and it feels like you are transported back to that time when you were not safe. So what do you do? You act like you would in an unsafe situation. Your body goes into the fight or flight mode (or the freeze mode). Your heart races as your body tries to get more blood pumping through your body, preparing it to either fight back or escape. Your mind starts racing. You feel like you are going crazy. Memories start flashing through your mind almost automatically, making the flashback all the more real. You feel scared, vulnerable...

A lot of times that is what it feels like to me when I experience a flashback. Sometimes I can pull myself through it. I can remind myself of where I am at and that what I am experiencing at that moment is not all real (hopefully this is making some sense...it's quite hard to explain). I try to remind myself that I am safe...I try to calm myself down...by deep breathing, counting backwards from ten, or doing something that engages me in the present moment. It's hard when I experience a flashback because it feels like I am being victimized again. It feels like I am that vulnerable little girl again.

As I said before, this week has been full of triggers. Some I have been able to identify, others I haven't. Some that I experienced this week: the smell of alcohol in someone's breath; cigarette smoke; someone grabbing me from behind; someone touching my shoulder; someone grabbing my arm; looking at a lake full of cold water; driving past a familiar campground; certain songs on the radio; seeing someone start rubbing someone else's back; loud noises; stomping of feet on the floor...I think I am going to end it there for now. It's late and I need to sleep.