healing gracie

I can't believe it has been that long since I was discharged from the hospital. I can't believe how much time has passed already. It feel weird...it feels like it was so long ago, but at the same time it feels like I was just there yesterday.

I wish I could say I am doing great...that I am fine and enjoying life. And I am, on some days, but more days that not I am still fighting this ugly battle with depression. I am working on it...I am learning ways to deal with it (in a more healthy way). In fact, there was a night when I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean I was curled up in a ball just sobbing and shaking. I was really hurting because of something I had no control of. Then I did something that I don't usually do: I reached out for help. I sent a text to a member of a group I am currently attending. I told her I needed help calming down, and she gave me some suggestions. I did not do anything she suggested, but I did something I had suggested to myself: a puzzle. So shakily, I got out a 1000-piece puzzle and got to work. And I was surprised at how much it helped. I had to really focus on that puzzle, so it got me to take my mind off what had bothered me so much, as well as the unhealthy coping mechanisms I would have normally turned to (like cutting).

Long story short...I made it through that night. And I am still making it. It's really hard some days. I've been beating myself up a lot because of what I almost did. But each day I am choosing to keep going, even if it's just barely surviving. Moment by moment. Minute by minute if that's all I can handle.