healing gracie

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold."   --Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

For some reason this quote popped into my head as I've been thinking about my transition back into life outside the hospital. What can I say, I'm a Lord of the Rings fan. Anyway, it's been tough this past week and a half (I can't believe it's been that long already).

How do I pick up on my life? How do I go back to life after all that I went through? After I tried to end my life? How? I've been trying to go about with my life as usual. Go to work...go to church...spend time with friends, etc. It all just feels so...empty. I feel like it's not me who is there. Or all of me, anyway. Maybe a part of me did die when I attempted.

I'm also still struggling with not wanting to live. I may not want to die right now, but I don't want to live either. I'm too afraid to live life...to afraid of messing up, of getting hurt, of failing. I fell, and I fell hard. I fell so hard I wonder how I will ever recover from it. I talked to a friend the other day...very briefly (thank goodness, because I did a terrible job at keeping it together). She told me that things would get better. I wanted to believe her so badly, but I kept thinking: "How? How can it get better, especially after what I've done? How? I don't see how it can get better." That's when I lost control of the floodgates and started to cry. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to make my friend uncomfortable (too late). I kept apologizing over and over because I was crying. I then left in a hurry.

Everyone wants me to be okay...to be better. But to be honest, life still looks pretty bleak to me. I am doing my best to hang in there. To make it through each day, one day at a time. It's almost unbearable at times, and the shame and guilt I feel is so overwhelming. I feel horrible and so alone in dealing with this. And it's my fault. I feel like I've let everyone down: my family, my friends, my counselor, the women I go to group with, Heavenly Father, my Savior, myself. I really messed up.

Do I start over? Do I pick up where I left off? Where do I go from here?