It's been over a month now since I was discharged from the hospital. I remember at group the other night one of the gals had asked me afterwards how I was doing. She asked if I feeling better...because I was looking better. I was honest with her and said that I look more put together than I really am. I still feel really overwhelmed and just drained by everything. Tasks that should be simple feel so hard to me. And I still feel really vulnerable to the suicidal thoughts that enter my mind on occasion.
I had met with my counselor last week, and she gave me a "homework assignment" to do three things to help me hang in there. One of those three things was to do a visualization where I picture myself as I want to be. I visualize my "perfect" self...me acting, feeling, doing, saying things that I want to. Now, it's impossible to be perfect, but I see the reasoning behind this and trying to move forward and progress.
To be honest...that is so hard for me. In fact, it was harder than I thought. Every time I try to do this, I try to see myself doing the things I want to do, having the experiences that I want to have...it doesn't last. I hate to say this, but I still see myself eventually giving up...no matter what happens. I still see me giving in. I don't see myself improving...I don't see myself in the future. At job interviews, or even random questions from friends they ask: "Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?" The truth is, I don't.
I don't see myself making a difference in people's lives...I don't see myself helping anyone. I don't see myself getting a business up and running. I don't see myself loving someone, and someone loving me enough to want to spend eternity with me. I don't see myself getting married and having a family. I don't see me raising my kids, taking them to dance or soccer games. I don't see myself growing spiritually, or my testimony being strong enough to uphold me through times of trial. I look at other families, read stories about others on their blogs. I see them having a life...living life with people who love them, and who they love. I wonder if that is even possible for me.
I don't see myself at all in the future...like I'm not there...like there is no future for me. It's really hard right now. Things haven't gotten any easier. Here I am at this point, maybe a few steps away from the rock bottom I was at. I'm not where I want to be...not even close. The problem is, I don't know how to go from where I am now, to where I want to be. Sometimes I wonder if I fell too far. Every day, it's just me surviving...just hanging in there. I feel like I am barely surviving most days...is it even possible to thrive when it's all I can do just to survive?
Posted by
Gracie
1 comments:
This is kind of a side note, something that kind of hit me over the head:
I remember a time when my counselor had shown me pictures of her children. One of them had been a strip of 3 or 4 pictures of her with her son...you know, the kind you get from a photobooth. They had some "normal" pics of them, just smiling together. And then some of them they were making silly faces.
I had such mixed feelings when I saw it. One was feeling happy for them; seeing a mother and son having a silly time together...even if was just that brief moment. Then there was sadness (and maybe a little envy). Sadness for something I had never really experienced. That picture kind of signified what I never really experienced...and what I fee like I never will experience. For me, it feels completely impossible for that to be real for me...to have that photobooth moment. To be that child, or even that parent. That thought is so devastating for me.
It may sound crazy, but that is how I am still seeing things.
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