healing gracie

I cried last night...it was only a few tears. I am so mad at myself...still. I just keep wondering how I could let myself fall that far. How? Why didn't I fight? So much bad has come from it...it's so hard to see the good.

It's hard for me to make decisions. It has been for a while now. From big things like what classes I should take at school, or what career should I try to pursue, to little things like what I should wear or what to eat for lunch.

Lately I've been faced with some pretty tough decisions, about whether to give up going to school for now (graphic design) and focus my energy on what I am truly passionate about: photography. The pros of going to school: I would learn more skills that would help in the job market; I would be doing something productive...not staying stagnant; It pushes me to do something new; It helps me to learn the technical skills needed to my creativity can be unhindered. The cons: I could be dedicating more time to graphic design when I'm not really sure that's what I want to go into; The financial...I won't share many details there; Also, if I pursue it this fall semester I will most likely lose the means to be able to continue in photography.

I've had people ask "What is your gut telling you? What is the Spirit telling you?" (Just a side-note, when I refer the the Spirit I am referring to the Holy Ghost. In the LDS Church we believe that Heavenly Father often speaks to us through the Holy Ghost, providing guidance, promptings, etc. to help direct and guide us, or to warn us). The answer is often "nothing." It's that or I just can't seem to recognize what feelings/impressions are there.

To be honest, I feel like I am so out of touch with both myself and the Holy Ghost that I don't have much of a definitive answer to follow. It makes me feel so powerless--It probably doesn't help that I am pretty sick as I am typing this right now, which makes that feeling even stronger than it really is--I don't like it. I feel like there is so much that I can't change in my life (for the better) because I've already made to many bad/unwise decisions, or I haven't made a decision in a timely manner.

I'm so afraid right now of choosing the wrong thing. Again, making a bad choice that will only hinder my progression. I know what I want to do...it's just can I do it? And is it the right thing?

I have another Fireflight song for you guys. I just love this song (then again, I love most of their songs). I decided to post the live version of this song, which is also the acoustic version. Such a good song! It's a brand new day, so what are you going to do about it?



Song: Brand New Day
Artist: Fireflight
Album: Unbreakable

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

[CHORUS]
And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

[CHORUS]

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart


And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day

[CHORUS x2]

It's been over two months since I have been discharged from the hospital. And, honestly, I still feel a lot of shame and guilt over having to go the hospital in the first place. And this is despite the best efforts of a few select people who have tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel that way.

What I have a hard time getting past is the fact that I chose to stop fighting, and that others had to step in to fight more me. They shouldn't have had to do that...but they did. They fought for my life because I refused to. I think that is why I feel such guilt, because I was so ready to throw away my life...because I didn't even care...but others did care.

I also blame myself for getting that low again. It is no one else's fault but my own. I didn't try to help myself. I stopped trying to do things to help me feel better. I just lost faith in it all. I just stopped wanting to live. I didn't see any point because life just felt too overwhelming. I've been in that low place before, and I have been able to pull myself out. Why didn't I do it this time? Why didn't I fight?

I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for that...


...Part of me still wonders if it was worth it...if I was worth it...

I apologize to all my readers (who are hopefully sound asleep as I am typing this)...This is a random, frustration post that may have no point to it whatsoever. It is late (or should I say very early) and I may not make any sense.

Yes, it is nearly 2 in the morning, and I am still wide awake. I mean really awake. I'm wired...definitely not relaxed...though I feel exhausted. I don't know why I am so awake...can't seem to figure out why. Yeah, this is not going to fit well with my "sleep schedule"...nope...it totally disrupts it. I'm definitely going to be paying for it tomorrow morning.

...I think I may try sleeping now...wish me luck!

How did my passion for photography come into existence? Hmmm...that's a good question to ask myself. I remember when I was young I had wanted a camera for Christmas (or was it my birthday).

I was young...maybe 10-ish...I'm not sure. Anyhoo, there was I was unwrapping a small box. And lo and behold there was a camera inside! I was ecstatic! My dream come true. Forget the other presents I had (clothes, socks, etc.) I had my beautiful new camera. Mind you it was just one of those $30 cameras (I think it was about that much). It was a traditional film camera, nothing fancy. Just point and shoot...you have a picture. I also got a few rolls of film with the camera. Let's just say, the film didn't even last 24 hours. That's right, I had used it all up. Apparently I was very eager to get my photographic skills into play.

My love for photography waned a little until I reached high school and got my first digital camera. All I can say is, my camera never left my hand. I was taking pictures like crazy! I do recall annoying some of my friends because I was constantly taking pictures of them...all of them candid. I never really gave any of them a chance to get "ready" for the shot. Candid was more fun (and you get some pretty embarrassing pics, too).

I also did yearbook in high school, which gave me a great excuse to take pictures of everyone. I really liked being on yearbook. At assemblies and student events I had front row access to the action (thank you press pass). It was also while on the yearbook staff that I really began to challenge myself in the shots I would get of people, experimenting with close-ups and different angles.

Then college started. I continued to take pictures, but my interest turned from people to scenery and nature. As part of my major I was required to take a photography class and an image editing class. I learned so much in those classes. It really helped me to improve in the technical aspect of photography, as well as the creative. I fell in love all over again. I was hooked. It was during this time that I actually began to see that I did have a talent in photography...so even after the classes were over I continued to push myself to learn more. I am still continuing on that learning journey, learning more tips about color, composition, lighting, etc. It's safe to say that photography is definitely a passion, and is not something I will be giving up anytime soon.

I LOVE photography...just love it! For me, photography has been a:

hobby
passion
talent
process of discovery
way to see beauty/good in the world
creative outlet
learning journey
addiction (a healthy addiction I might want to add)
a way of expressing myself
etc.

I can't tell you how much I love it because of those reasons. However, there is one thing that I have discovered that I really didn't realize before...well, I knew it before, but never really thought about it much. Photography has been a very important part of my healing. I mean a very important part.

It's hard for me to explain how it has affected my healing...I just know that it has.

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to focus a couple of posts on photography: how I got into it, what I love about photography, some photography tips (possibly), how I used it for my healing and how I hope to use it to help others in their healing. I hope that in being able to write more about it I can learn more about how it has impacted my healing journey. I also hope to inspire others to pursue talents/interests to promote their own healing.

Ah, I am sooo excited to write about this!!!


*Note: Maybe if I get brave enough I will share some of my photography.

This is completely random. I was watching Design Star the other day (actually a couple of weeks ago). What can I say...I'm addicted to design shows. In this episode the designers had to design their dream kitchen with certain characteristics. Anyhoo, that is besides the point. What I want to share from this episode is something one of the guest judges said.

This judge is one awesome gal who has a lot of spunk! She is an entrepreneur and loves to cook. The famous Paula Deen. Here is what she told one of the designers during that episode: "To try and fail is not the worst thing that can happen to you. The very worst thing that can happen is to never try at all."

Just some food for thought there (yes, pun intended).

This one is for all you hard-rockers out there...well, it's harder rock for me anyway. This is a great Christian band! Honestly, I could probably post all of their songs...oh wait...I already have posted one of their songs (see song of the week: for those who wait). This week's song is called "Unbreakable" by Fireflight. All I have to say is: GREAT SONG!



Song: Unbreakable
Artist: Fireflight
Album: Unbreakable

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

[CHORUS]
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

[CHORUS]

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

[CHORUS x2]

Well...I did have a "vomiting" moment last week. I had met with my counselor and told her what I thought I needed to do. She jumped right in when it came to encouraging me to go through with it...that night!

It was very hard. I didn't know how to start. I didn't know where to start. Or what to say. So I just picked a memory (out of a few that had been on my mind recenty) and talked about what I remembered. I kind of jumped around a bit, describing not only what happened, but how I felt as well...and how I feel now, as an adult looking back on it. I kind of get what I feel now mixed up with what I feel then at times...it's the whole distinction between the adult me and the child me.

It was painful to bring those memories to the surface, and to actually vocalize what had happened. It felt overwhelming at times. And there were times where I would get stuck, or I would stop because I did not want to say what happened next. My counselor handled those moments well...she would keep asking me "What happened next?" and tell me that I was doing a good job so far, but that I needed to keep going. She helped to make it feel safe.

This whole "vomiting" thing is not pleasant. Everytime I go through with there there is always tears. It brings up so much that even my body can't seem to handle it. I often begin to shake uncontrollably. That night I vomited there were tears and trembling. I felt sick to my stomach. When I was talking about specifics of what had happened to me, it was like I could feel it happening again. I could really feel it with my body. That was kind of scary. I remember I just wanted to curl up in a ball...now that I look back on it I think I did.

When it was all said and done I did my best to calm down. It took a while, but not as long as it has in the past. I was feeling so much at the end of the session. I was feeling drained, overwhelmed, and remnants of the fear, guilt, sadness, etc. that came with the memories. But I was also feeling a small sense of relief...that a little bit of pressure has been released.

Sadly, I might have to go through more of these "vomiting" experiences. Yes, I am still somewhat terrified of them...they are very uncomfortable. But they do help. It seems like the best way to get this poison out of my system.

I just had to post another song of the week. Just had to. I LOVE this song! It's message is very powerful...whether you are healing or not...but in a way, I think everyone is on a healing journey. Everyone is working to become whole. We all have a purpose...none of us are worthless, even though we may feel like that at times. We have so much to offer. We matter. It can be scary to put ourselves out there, to reach within ourselves and find out how much power we really have...and to realize how much potential we have within us. We can become so much. This song is a challenge to arise and be everything you were made to be. Okay, enough with that "deep," yet brief tangent. This song is just great. I love the wording...it's so poetic and uplifting. Here is the other song of the week: "Arise" by Flyleaf.



Song: Arise
Artist: Flyleaf
Album: Memento Mori

Tell the swine
We will make it out alive
There's a note in the pages of the book
So Sleep tonight,
We'll sleep dreamlessly this time
When we awake we'll know that everything's alright

And sing to me about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for,
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for,
There's still hope left in it yet

The snow on your face, and your razor blades
The twilight is bruised and there you lie

And sing to me, about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you
We'll cry tonight, but in the morning we are new
Stand in the sun, we'll dry your eyes

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for,
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for,
There's still hope left in it yet

And sing
Sing
Arise

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

I heard this song on the radio a few days ago and I thought: "I just have to post this as one of the songs of week!" So here it is! This week's song is called "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North. It's a really good song about the healing that comes from the Atonement, and how it is available to all. I will let it speak for itself now.



Song: Healing Begins
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: The Light Meets the Dark

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside


So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now


[CHORUS]
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark


Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear


So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh


[CHORUS]


Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us


This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

I just had to share this. Last night I went nightmare free, for the first time in nearly a month. It feels nice to have one decent night's sleep. Though I do have to admit, I did have some pretty wacky dreams last night (i.e. gathering muffins, dancing, fancy party)...but heck, I will take those over nightmares any night!

That's right! This one is targeted towards you: my readers (however many that may be). I've decided to give you all the opportunity to voice what you want to see on this blog. I spend most of my time writing about what I want to write about (and it's my blog, so technically there is nothing wrong with that). But I also want to put on here what will be helpful to my readers. And I can't read your minds...heck I don't even know who half of you are. So here it is...your chance for your voice to be heard. What do you want to see on this blog? Is there anything you want me to write about? Feel free to post your ideas by leaving a comment. Or you can email your ideas to gracie_brighton@hotmail.com.

Thanks everyone!

I don't know where the thought came to do this (maybe it was coming from some of the other blogs I was reading that had lists). But, anyhoo, I had the feeling that I should come up with 10 reasons why I am happy to be alive. Here it goes.

I am happy to be alive because...

1. I love being able to help and uplift others because of what I have experienced.
2. I can express myself through art and photography.
3. Even though there are few, I have people in my life that I feel safe with.
4. I am worthy of love, and I am loved, even if I have a hard time believing it.

Just a side-note: I got stuck on number 5. I didn't think it would be this hard to come up with 10 things. Sheesh.

5. There are women in group and counseling that are there for me, and I can be there for them
6. I am moving forward, even if it's one baby step at a time
7. I am growing stronger each day I choose to keep going
8. There is good in this world, you just have to look for it
9. I still have choices to make
10. I have a whole life ahead of me that will be totally worth the fight

I know, not a very appealing title. Gives you a nice visual. But that's what I need to do. I have been thinking about it lately, and after talking to someone about it, I know that's what I need to do...again. I've had "vomiting" experiences before, but I didn't get out everything that I needed to.

Why do I use the term "vomiting." Well, it describes the process best. When you are sick to your stomach it doesn't feel good, at all. You just feel physically miserable. And then you throw-up (I know, again with the horrible visual). Throwing-up is no fun. It feels horrible, tastes nasty, and...well...it just isn't pleasant. But after you throw-up there is a relief that kind of settles in. Most of the pressure and sick feeling in your stomach is gone (until it builds up again, naturally)...but you feel "better." You feel a lot better than if you had kept it all in.

That's what I need to do continue to move forward. I need to "vomit" it all out. Get it out of my system so I can start healing again. And just like throwing-up, it is very uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good, it's very unpleasant...but I will feel better after it's over. I've been putting it off for quite some time now, because of the fear and because I know it is not a pleasant experience. It can be terrifying, in fact. But I know I need to do it, or else I'm going to continue to be stuck.

So wish me luck as I try to muster the courage to "vomit."

I can't sleep right now so I am taking a moment to write something for this blog. I'm going to write about something random.

I have been thinking...I haven't done any art since I got out of the hospital. None at all. I haven't drawn, colored, sketched, anything. I just haven't had any desire to do art at all. I have tried to sit down, pull out a piece of paper and colored pencils and just go at it. But nothing comes. I don't know what to draw. I don't know what colors to use. When I do art I try to express what I feel...and right now I don't know what I feel. Okay, I lied there somewhat. I do know somewhat how I feel. I feel exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel abandoned. I feel confused. I feel lost. I don't know how to express that, though. I can't seem to visualize it. Why can't I see it? It's kind of frustrating.

Sadly, my dreams have not gotten any better these past few nights. In fact, they have only gotten worse...more disturbing. I wonder where these images are coming from in my mind. They are just so...ugh...they make me feel sick. It's one thing to have them haunt me at night, but I find those images coming to my mind when I am awake. It's like they are so ingrained into my consciousness that they will never go away. I don't know what's going on right now. My dreams haven't been this bad in a long time. It's really taking it's toll on me. I feel so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm afraid to close my eyes because of the images that appear. It's really starting to scare me.

This song is something I needed to hear. I have been so afraid of moving lately. So afraid that I don't have what it takes to move forward. The lyrics of this song really resonated with me. "I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move...like to today never happened before." This song does a really good job of describing life, the resistance we all feel, and yet how important it is we keep on moving. This week's song is called "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot.

There are two versions of this song, both of which I am posting.





Song: Dare You to Move
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Learning to Breathe & Beautiful Letdown

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here, everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next? What happens next?

[CHORUS]
I dare you to move, I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move, I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here, the tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[CHORUS]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

[CHORUS]

Well, I was definitely highly emotional in my post entitled "lost."

I have been thinking lately...it's not just in counseling that I feel like I'm jumping through hoops...it's other people as well. (side note: I think counseling came up as my main frustration because I had just come there and was still feeling frustrated about it...now that I look at it, it is probably the place where I feel the least amount of pressure). It's other peoples' expectations of me and what they think I should be doing. I find myself doing things just to make them happy/satisfied. But oftentimes, it's just empty actions. No wonder I'm so confused with this whole thing...I've gone back into "people pleaser mode" (actually, I think I've never left). I've been devoting too much energy into what others think I should and should not being doing to get better. But really, I should focus on what I believe. I know more than anyone else what I am going through right now, even if I have a hard time communicating it. I may not always know or understand what I need, but I do know I need a lot more than I am getting right now. And I know there are things that I need to do, things that others may frown upon, but things I know will help me. In other words, I need to be more assertive when it comes to my healing (easier said that done, especially for me).

So here I go again. Wish me luck!

Sleep has not been coming to me easily these past few weeks. On average I've been sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night. And I can definitely feel it.

I know the partial reason for this, at least I think I do. I mentioned in a previous post about me experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks recently. These triggers and flashbacks keep me pretty tensed up. My mind and body take a long time to calm down because they think they are in a traumatic situation, so they act as though they are. And I believe that is one main cause for my lack of sleep. I am tired, exhausted, and ready to sleep, but my mind and body are so wound-up that it's nearly impossible for me to be relaxed enough to enter the realm of slumber (especially in a timely manner).

Now, I do sleep some. How do I know this...because of all the dreams I have been having lately. But these have not been good dreams. No, they have been disturbing, scary, gruesome...and just draining. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in tears from these dreams. I have felt violated, again! I have seen loved ones hurt or even killed in these dreams. I am often in situations where I am powerless and physically lost.

So in other words, when I do happen to sleep my mind is constantly being attcked by horrible images. That makes sleep not so appealing. Sleep is supposed to be something to help your body heal and recharge. I'm am definitely not getting that. In fact, it seems more that my hours in slumber are more damaging than they are healing.

I talked about this homework assignment in a previous post. My counselor changed it up a bit so it would seem less overwhelming. Instead of picturing myself as I want to be I need to pick one characteristic that I want to have. One came to my mind strongly while I was crying last night...I want to be able to love myself.

Things aren't going well. I feel so frustrated because I can't seem to communicate what is going on. Everything feels so confusing. I can't seem to figure out what's right. My session with my counselor didn't go too well. I was having a really hard time telling her what I was really struggling with. I tried to get it out, tried to figure out how to word it, all the while trying to hold back floods of emotion. I couldn't get it out, and needless to say, we were both frustrated. I was mad, at myself because I couldn't get out what I was feeling. I became so frustrated that I withdrew (not the best thing to do), but it felt completely hopeless. It's hard to communicate how I feel when I don't really understand it myself, or know what words to use to describe it. I left feeling like a failure. I walked out, kept myself put together until I walked out the door. Then I just started sobbing.

Everything is so confusing right now. I feel like I am being constantly bombarded with so many messages, and I can't figure out what's right. I keep having mixed emotions about everything. I try to do something to help myself or to help me cope better...and then I feel guilty about doing it. For focusing on myself and my needs. There are all these contradicting thoughts/ideas happening at the same time, and I can't seem to sort it out.

It's really frustrating. I've learned so much...from counseling, group, and even my time at the hospital. I have learned ways to cope and deal better with what I am facing on a daily basis. It sounds great. It makes sense, and seems like it would work...that it will help me. It feels like something I can do. Then I go out into the "real world" and try to apply what I've learned...and I get burned. I get thrown back at me "that's bullshit." It's bullshit that I am struggling right now, that I am having such a hard time after doing so well. "How could you let yourself get that low again?" I don't know how I got that low again.

In the hospital I learned a lot. I was excited about getting out and moving forward, using the skills I had learned. "Yeah, I can do this...and I am going to." The problem, it's just me...no one else can or won't. It sounds possible while I was in the hospital. I seriously thought that things would get better...that I wouldn't have to hide as much. That it would finally be taken seriously. But it's not. There's just denial...and I am forced to put on my happy face to satisfy others. It's almost automatic. It's been my lifestyle to pretend everything is ok when it isn't. It's selfish to say I am struggling. And right now I am really struggling. I need help right now and I feel like I can't ask for it. That it's wrong to ask for help. Or that it's pointless. Enter the confusion. I learned that I need to ask for help. I do my best to try to reach out and start building support, and then I get the guilt card played. "But it's a good thing I'm trying to do...it's ok to ask for help," I try to tell myself. "No, it's not. You are being selfish. Just suck it up and deal with it. Go and help others. You should have more faith." Then I feel guilty because I'm not feeling or doing what I "should" be doing/feeling.

It feels like everyone is looking down on me right now. Yes, I made a stupid mistake. I let my emotions get the best of me. And I'm trying to move on. Sorry I'm not moving as fast as you want me to. I'm doing all I can. I feel completely drained, worn-out. It's taking all I've got just to get myself out of bed in the morning. It takes a lot for me to get myself to do something to help me cope or feel better, like drawing or writing. I do those things, feel a little better, and then feel guilty because I should have devoted that time and energy to something more "productive."

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been losing faith in counseling. I feel like I am jumping through hoops and getting nowhere. I've become really hesitant to trust in counseling. What's real and what's not. I feel safe in counseling. I feel cared about. But those feelings only last for that hour-long session once a week. It doesn't extend beyond that. I can't find it beyond there. When I am in a session, I find it hard to communicate what my needs are because it almost seems pointless. It doesn't translate over into the "real world." One of the things that comes to mind, because it is something I have needed lately, is just to have someone there crying with me. Just to have someone understand how much hurt I am feeling and try to console me. My counselor is the only person I feel safe crying in front of, but it is so hard for me to ask: "Hey will you sit with me as I cry. At least it can be that one thing that I don't always have to do alone." I wonder if I should even seek what I need there when I can't seem to find it anywhere else. If it's just providing this false sense of hope. I just feel so lost right now.