I must admit...this is going to be harder than I thought to open up about the deep, dark stuff on here. Yes, there is a little fear...okay, a lot of fear. But also, I have come to realize how hard it is to write about something so deep, so personal. I hardly ever talk about the personal stuff...some would say I hardly talk at all.
This whole writing about my feelings is not new...I try to do that with journal writing or free writing. But this is different. It's kind of strange for me because I know that what I write is going to be read by someone somewhere. It's a different kind of writing and one in which I am trying to get used to.
As my title so implies, I am still somewhat hesitant about spewing my guts out on this blog. I want to...it's just very uncomfortable. I really have to push myself to do it...to take time to write and to really think about my past, the abuse, my healing, and so forth. It takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of facing what I fear.
I'm still going to go through with it...I'm still going to open up at some point. Maybe not as soon as I would like (or as soon as my readers would like), but it is going to happen.
Deep breath...here I go...
The song being featured this week is called "Stand in the Rain" by Superchic(k). I haven't heard many of their songs, but I fell in love with this single of theirs. This is a great song about how you keep going, how you stand up despite all that seems to be falling apart around you. I really connect with the emotion in this song. It does a really good job describing the inner turmoil I was facing almost on a daily basis at the beginning of my healing. It kind of ties back to the theme of continuing fighting even though you don't want to or feel like you can't anymore. But guess what...you can and you will. Why? Because you have to...because it is worth it to to keep going...to keep on surviving...to keep on living.
Song: Stand in the Rain
Artist: Superchic(k)
Album: Beauty from Pain
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
Feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]
I've decided to give you all (all three of my readers...I possibly have more) a preview of what I am planning on writing about over the next couple of weeks.
As mentioned in a previous post I have taken up poetry writing again. It is a lot harder to write poetry than I remember. I was spewing out poems like crazy when I was younger, but now it takes a lot of time and effort to write just a few lines. But it is a work in progress. This poem that I am working on may turn into a series of poems. The topic that I decided to write about was my inner child. It took me sooooo long, I felt, to decide on what to write about. Then came the thought that I should focus on my inner child...so I am.
Also, I will now start going into a little more of the deeper stuff. Lately, I've just been getting my toes wet, testing out this blog thing and sharing my healing journey. Now, don't get me wrong...it still scares me a lot to go into the deeper stuff where most of the hurt is. You are going to have to bear with me...it may take a while to get some of that stuff out. Also, just a warning in advance: it's not going to be trimmed down or sugarcoated. Some of it may be hard to read...just like it is going to be hard for me to write.
So there you have it...what I'm going to be working on for the next couple posts.
Hello sunshine
It's been too long since I felt
Your beautiful warmth upon my face
I thought the title was appropriate where we finally have had a couple days of sunshine...finally REAL spring weather. And, no, those introductory words I cannot take credit for. They come from the song "Hello Sunshine" by BarlowGirl.
I am finally starting to pull out of the lowness I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I'm still struggling a bit, but it is not an intense as it was. I think it will always be a struggle in some way. There always seems to be something I'm dealing with.
Looking back through my life and healing, most of it has been pretty dark and stormy. It was a struggle to get through a single day...sometimes that was even too much. However, one thing I am learning is that storms don't last forever. Sooner or later, the storm will subside and the sunlight will shine through. For my healing process there have been several types of storms: from full-out blizzards to thunderous lightning and torrential downpours. Those are the extremes. When I'm not in an extreme part there always seemed to be rain or it would be cloudy.
Then there are the days of sunlight. These days of clear skies were few and far in between...they still kind of are. I can probably count on both my hands the number of days that I've felt completely fine...where nothing was wrong...where everything was bright and sunny.
It is hard to believe that there will ever be sunlight when you are in the midst of a great and terrible storm...where everything is dark and feels cold and hopeless. During my down days, that is what it feels like. But...one thing that helps me get through is to tell myself: "It won't last forever." It may be hard, it may be intense at that moment, but that moment won't last forever. At some point it will end. Even if I don't feel that way I have to try my best to convince myself that the sunlight will come.
I can only hope that at some point in my life there will be more sunny days than stormy days. There will be more storms ahead...more storms that I need to face. But for today, I am going to enjoy the sunshine.