I heard this song on the radio this past week...I actually heard it a couple of times. I wonder if this can be true for me. I can really relate to the lyrics on this one. The girl in the corner...that's who I feel like right now.
Song: You Are More
Album: The Light Meets the Dark
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was,
and I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love."
But don't you know who you are
What has been done for you
Don't you know who you are
[CHORUS]
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it that she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight
She knows all the answers and she's rehearsed all the lines
So she'll try to do better but then she's too weak to try
Don't you know who you are?
[CHORUS]
‘Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel but He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you new
That's what I feel like right now...a burden. Emotionally, financially (especially now). I know I shouldn't think it, but it just keeps popping into my head: I just make things worse for myself and everyone else. Me having a crisis has strained my relationships, with my family and some friends (the ones who know what happened). It's placed a huge financial burden on my family. It has caused so much pain and frustration for those who care for me. I've put myself into a position I can't seem to explain to others without feeling some sort of shame. And I don't know what to do to make it better. Everything is just a mess...and I am the cause of it.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold." --Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
For some reason this quote popped into my head as I've been thinking about my transition back into life outside the hospital. What can I say, I'm a Lord of the Rings fan. Anyway, it's been tough this past week and a half (I can't believe it's been that long already).
How do I pick up on my life? How do I go back to life after all that I went through? After I tried to end my life? How? I've been trying to go about with my life as usual. Go to work...go to church...spend time with friends, etc. It all just feels so...empty. I feel like it's not me who is there. Or all of me, anyway. Maybe a part of me did die when I attempted.
I'm also still struggling with not wanting to live. I may not want to die right now, but I don't want to live either. I'm too afraid to live life...to afraid of messing up, of getting hurt, of failing. I fell, and I fell hard. I fell so hard I wonder how I will ever recover from it. I talked to a friend the other day...very briefly (thank goodness, because I did a terrible job at keeping it together). She told me that things would get better. I wanted to believe her so badly, but I kept thinking: "How? How can it get better, especially after what I've done? How? I don't see how it can get better." That's when I lost control of the floodgates and started to cry. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to make my friend uncomfortable (too late). I kept apologizing over and over because I was crying. I then left in a hurry.
Everyone wants me to be okay...to be better. But to be honest, life still looks pretty bleak to me. I am doing my best to hang in there. To make it through each day, one day at a time. It's almost unbearable at times, and the shame and guilt I feel is so overwhelming. I feel horrible and so alone in dealing with this. And it's my fault. I feel like I've let everyone down: my family, my friends, my counselor, the women I go to group with, Heavenly Father, my Savior, myself. I really messed up.
Do I start over? Do I pick up where I left off? Where do I go from here?
This song has a lot of meaning for me right now. I loved it before I had my crisis, but now it is even more personal it seems. I fell...and I fell hard...and it's been hard to pick myself back up ever since. I know I need to be lifted up right now. I know there is only One who can do that...the question is, am I worth being lifted up? That is something I need to work on.
This week's song is called "Lift Me Up" by the Afters.
Song: Lift Me Up
Artist: The Afters
Album: Light Up the Sky
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up
Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be
You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up
I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same
And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to
Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up