I think I am doing worse right now than I am letting others know. Ok, I know I am doing worse. That became clear to me as I was meeting with my counselor tonight. I am doing good...I'm ok, surviving and not in a crisis or anything. But I am doing worse in a lot of areas.
Mostly relationships...any kind of relationship. I guess it is still an ongoing struggle that has never really let up. I don't feel connected to anyone...I'm not close to anyone at all really. I do have those few select moments where I do feel that, but it never lasts, despite my best efforts.
Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people? I know fear has had a lot to do with that...but in knowing that I have tried to push past my fear and work on it. But even when I try it seems more like I scare people away. I try to be more of who I really am, and who I want to be...and it's not what others are used to, so it drives them away. And, naturally, because of that I feel pressured to be what others want so they don't leave. I have a really hard time with being alone. I hate it, but I don't see a way around it.
I have been feeling really lonely lately. So lonely that I will "accidentally" butt dial someone just so I have an excuse to say hi (I know, lame...and desperate). It's been hard as I've been dealing with this nightmare, no sleeping crap. I am drained, and I have needed support, but haven't really been able to find it. Heck, I even got so desperate in my loneliness a couple times that I tried to contact my counselor...I wasn't in crisis or anything...I just needed someone who understood. But I can't turn to her in that way...she reminded me of that tonight. I must admit, I do struggle with that boundary when I am feeling pretty alone. I understand why it is in place, and she did her best to try to not hurt my feelings. Really, my feelings weren't hurt...it was more of a feeling like I did something wrong, that I messed up again. It's hard and confusing at times when your counselor seems to be the only one who accepts you for you and doesn't give you a hard time because you are struggling. Of course that's where I would want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my counselor. I'm not sure how to deal with that...and I have no idea how to bring that up, or if I should.
...keep flooding in to my head. Memories of that long week I spent in the hospital last year. All these images keep flooding my mind...the ambulance, the doctors, me locked in a room crying. I felt so alone, betrayed, and I was terrified. I can see it all so clearly in my mind. And not only from my point of view, but also as if I am someone watching from the outside (which is really weird to me that I can picture that). It has been hard to deal with these memories again. It's a hard thing for me to look at and remember. I am glad that it happened because it needed to. I wouldn't be here if it hadn't. But it is still really hard to look at it. And right now my mind keeps being flooded with images of that event. There are some triggers for it, like when I see an ambulance drive by, or when I drive past the hospital I was first admitted to (which I pass almost every day). I wonder if I will be okay...if I will ever forgive myself for that happening.
A gal I go to group with shared this with me. It really touches on how it feels to be the "broken girl." And it gives hope. This week's song is called "Broken Girl" by Matthew West.
Can I just say that I am completely worn out. I mean completely. I am drained physically, emotionally, mentally... how much longer can I go on like this? It has literally made me physically sick. I'm worried...I'm scared.