Ok, I am going to try something new here. I don't want this blog to be just me talking all the time. It's too limited that way. So I am starting discussions. I will post a question and then add my own personal thoughts to it while at the same time encouraging the thoughts of others. I want this to be a place where we can discuss the different aspects of healing. Now in order for a discussion to work there has to be at least two people talking. This means at least 50% of this post is going to rely on you: my readers. This means comments people.
Enough of that, here is the first discussion question: What is healing anyway?
My thoughts:
For me, healing means feeling whole...not this empty feeling I feel most of the time. I believe it's like having something restored that was once lost or damaged. I also believe it means to overcome something, like illness, harmful actions of others, etc.
I think healing can happen quickly, instantaneously, and be perceptive. However, I believe that is not the case all the time...at least not for me. To be honest, I believe healing on my part will be a long journey, a journey of change. Most change will be slow and nearly imperceptible...it already has been. I believe there are parts of me that have been mended, and yet there are other parts of me which are still broken, still shattered fragments of myself. It can be discouraging at times...but I'm starting to believe that anything broken can be mended.
There are times where I wish the day would come that I am completely healed of the abuse...that there is nothing wrong...that I won't have anymore problems associated with the abuse of my childhood. But that is slightly unrealistic. Maybe I won't be completely healed of the flashbacks, the nightmares, or the pain that it caused me (and still causes me). I think, rather, that what will happen will be a peace of mind, a healing of my inner self despite the chaos the abuse has caused...and there is a lot of chaos.
I have to admit, I don't fully understand the concept of healing...I don't even understand fully what healing means and will mean to me. It's something I have to learn. It's something I have to trust in. I guess that is where faith comes in...
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All right...now it's your turn. I want to hear from my readers. What are your views on healing?
Well, I am doing somewhat better after having another breakdown yesterday. In fact, I am doing better than I thought I would be.
Anyhoo, tonight I went to group counseling. This group is for survivors of sexual assault. It's mostly a come as you need it with no real agenda (though we will try to plan some things for some of the sessions). It is my 3rd session with this group...and I'm doing ok with it. I tend to have a love-hate relationship with group, and I probably always will.
Tonight we had a guest come and talk about victim advocates and what is available to victims of abuse as they go through the whole legal and court process. As soon as we started talking about it all these memories of what I went through came flooding forward. I am talking about a ton of memories. I had scenes flash by from my experience at the Children's Justice Center where I had to disclose what happened to me. I could remember the room I was in (the jungle room), what stuffed animal I received (which was a lion, by the way). I could remember testifying in court...ugh, that is not a pleasant memory. Every time I think about that I can see my abuser...the way he was glaring at me. I could remember how I had felt: confused, nervous, scared, uncertain, vulnerable...there was just so much going through my mind. I kind of started to feel sick again as I was sitting there in group.
It just really hit me...there was so much that I went through as a child. So much that I did not know how to handle or cope with. There is a lot that I am still going through now. Some days I really wonder how I made it this far. I wonder how I survived the abuse and I wonder why. And I wonder how I am surviving the healing now.
You know, it's really hard to enjoy life when you feel like everything you do is wrong. That's how I feel right now...and I hate it. I HATE it!!! To be honest, I feel so lost right now...so lost. I don't know what to do. And everything I do I feel like is wrong. I try to make a decision on where to go with life (and even with healing), I feel good about it temporarily, and then the response I get from others makes me feel guilty. "If it were me, I would be doing this...not what you are doing." I hear that and I feel guilty for thinking of myself...stupid for even thinking that I had a chance at making something work...ashamed, because I should know better...like a failure because I can't seem to get it right in someone else's eyes (let alone my own)...hurt, because it feels like no one is on my side, that no one will support me or encourage me. It's like all people see is what I'm not doing, or what I'm not doing right. They don't see what I am trying to do.
I feel so sick right now...all this just makes me want to give up...
I just had to share this song. I heard it recently...this past week in fact...and I just LOVE it! Love it! It gave me some much needed comfort this past week. It helped in reminding me that I'm not alone, though I often feel that way. For some reason it makes me want to cry. This week's song is "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.
Song: By Your Side
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: Over and Underneath
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
[CHORUS]
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
[CHORUS 2x]
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
[CHORUS 2x]