This is not a good pattern to be in. Nope. Because of all the emotional upheaval lately, I have just felt so drained and exhausted. What is there to remedy that? Naturally, sleep. So I sluggishly get into my pj's and try to go to sleep. Only my mind keeps on ticking for what seems to be hours. I toss and turn for a while only to realize that my efforts to fall asleep have proven vain.
Eventually I do drift off into the world of slumber, but I must say that my sleep lately has been anything but restful. Every night for the past two weeks I have had nightmares. Each one of them has had at least one of my abusers in it...and it has been very vivid. By this I mean that the details, imagery, feelings, etc. are so real to my senses that my mind registers what I am experiencing in the dream as really happening. My nightmares are not pretty, and lately it's been the more invasive ones. I wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. I feel all shaky and panicky and oftentimes very sick. No wonder I wake up in the morning feeling even more tired than when I went to bed. I'm constantly being violated in my sleep...and it is so draining emotionally, physically, mentally.
I don't know why my nightmares have been so terrible lately. The last time they were this bad was before I was in the hospital last year. That's pretty bad. I am betting that something has triggered it, but I am not sure what. All I can say is that it is really starting to wear down on me.
I don't know what it is, but there is something about this time of year that really gets to me. For some reason I really struggle a lot between the months of February and May. And I have no clue why. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I have been struggling a lot lately. It has been one heck of a battle. Then I started looking back over these past couple of years and I noticed that a lot of my hardest moments were during this time, during the transition of winter into spring. I don't get it. I keep searching my mind, trying to find some reason why I always seem to have the hardest time fighting during these months. My mind has revealed nothing yet.
How I do not like you. This feeling has been settling with me for the past couple weeks now. I know part of it has to do with breaking up with my ex, because now all the time I was spending with him has now all of a sudden become open. I know that's normal, especially where I don't have much of a social life outside of that dating experience and group.
We talked about it in group this past session, actually. One of the other group members was struggling with feeling alone. And everything she said I was saying in my head: "Yep, that is how I feel" or "I still struggle with that." I really felt for her because I know how it feels not to be able to connect to anyone. I, myself, have had those days or nights where I feel alone and need a friend. I get out my phone and go through the hundreds of names in my contact list...and none of them seem to be an option to call. I easily talk myself out of it. Oh, they are busy. Or, it is so last minute. Or they are probably out with their significant other. The scenarios I draw up are endless. Or there is the fear of being rejected.
I have made some progress in this area, and in doing my part of reaching out. But it seems to have little result. I try to call up people, spend time talking with others at activities or church. I guess you can say I have a pretty good group of casual friends (as in I can go have fun with them and they don't know a thing about my dark past). Why I think it hasn't been much of a success: there are times where I will see these people and hear them talking about what they did last Friday night. Or I will see pics on facebook of them having a great time and wonder why I wasn't invited, or why they didn't let me know about the activity when most of the people in my group I chat with on a regular basis. I know there is a thinking error in there somewhere, but where. I just keep going back to I must be doing something wrong, or not enough.
Well, that is enough rambling for now. That's me, dealing with loneliness. And I hate it. Can I just say that! It totally sucks. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have nightmares galore going on...but that is a post for a later time.
Thanks for listening.
This week's song is so deep. That is all I have to say about it.
Song: Lost in Paradise
Artist: Evanescence
Album: Evanescence
I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Alone, and lost in paradise