I'm not sure how to start off of what I want to talk about in this post...so I will just try to jump right in.
So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I have been out of the hospital for just a little over 5 days...and to be honest I'm not doing too good. The relatives I live with really haven't dealt with it too well. My first couple days home the didn't talk about it at all (then again, they still haven't talked about it). They haven't asked how I am doing, if I'm doing better, or even what is wrong. Maybe I'm being really unrealistic to expect that...I'm not sure...I hardly ever know what to expect from them. But it kind of hurts...it's like they are pretending nothing happened...or nothing serious happened.
Relatives will call and ask them how I am doing..."She's doing great!" I'm not doing great...they don't even know how I am doing. I feel so much pressure right now to pretend that I'm doing okay...that everything is fine. It kind of hurts.
When it came time to leave the hospital I had the thought about whether I was ready to leave. I was ready to leave the hospital, but I was not ready to go home. In the hospital it was great to have my feelings constantly validated and understood. To have whatever issues I was dealing with taken seriously and not minimized. It was nice to be encouraged to let myself feel and to believe that there are no right or wrong feelings. It was nice to have my thoughts, opinions, etc. respected and for someone (multiple someones) to hear my voice. At home, this is not the case. I don't feel safe sharing what I think or feel. It is usually minimized or brushed off. Or I'm told I shouldn't be feeling that way or I have no reason to feel that way. Then I feel guilty about how I'm feeling and try to pull myself out of it...I can't and feel like a failure. Then I feel worse.
This also leads to me trying to stop myself from feeling. That is not healthy. In fact, that is one of the main things that contributed to me being suicidal. I don't want to go there again.
I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's easier for them (my family) to deal with it that way...pretend it didn't happen. It's easier for everyone else if I just pretend that I'm okay...that I don't have depression or post-traumatic stress. That I'm fine...that life is fine. That my hospital stay was a walk in the park. Truth is, it may be easier for them...but it's definitely not easier for me. But life's not easy...
I just wanted to let you all know...I am still here, and I am still alive...thanks to the action of someone else (you know who you are). I have a lot to share...but I still need to go through the whole processing of all that has happened this past week. It was a lot for me to deal with and I'm trying to transition back into "normal" life (what ever the hell that is). It's been hard. I kind of wish I was in a more supportive environment...but beggars can't be choosers. I'm just glad I am still here.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe it's something that will help calm me down. Maybe it's a cry for help. Or because I can't sleep. For the past four days I have had the urge to kill myself...yeah, you just read right...kill myself. Everything is so confusing right now and there is so much running through my head...it so overwhelming and I can't sort it out. I want to give up so badly...just end it all...it would be better that way. Right now I feel that there is somewhere inside...deep inside that wants to live. I hate that part of me right now. Why won't you just let me give up?!
These are the thoughts that have been going through my head, constantly, since Monday night this week.
There are so many thoughts in my head. So many. I can't think straight. What's true? Don't know...don't know.
I do everything wrong. Can't handle life and this. Can't handle it. too hard. Not worth it. Feel empty...cold. lost. Too much. crazy. Freak. I mess up. Too many mistakes. Only I can help myself...no one else can...but I can't even take care of myself. That makes me a burden. Can't be a burden...can't weigh down others. wrong to. need to get rid of burden. Everyone is better off without me. I should be gone. Nothing to offer. Just a burden. hopeless...shaking...tired...Too tired to fight. Not enough. Energy gone. Just want to sleep...and not wake up...just want to die...Want it to end. No one will ever love me. I'm a mess. A freak. I have no confidence. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. No one could even love that...love me like that. I'm not worth it. Too much for others. Too much. No self worth. Selt esteem. confidence. All fear. All powerless. Hopeless. Scared. Alone. Sick. pathetic. weak. Nothing. guilty. Feel sick. Everything so confusing. Can't escape. Just messing up life. Failing. Better to quit now. Nothing worth living for. Everything I want in life, hope for...for far beyond my reach...no matter what i do it will never happen. Family...husband, children. Love, closeness--intimacy (physical/emotional)...understanding...happiness...my own business. They aren't real...they don't exist for me. So unreal. Not good enough. Help others. Uplift others. Inspire others. I can't even help myself...how can I help others? Stupid...feel stupid for hoping, for dreaming. There is no hope. Counselor says that there is always hope. Where? doubting...doubting healing...doubting myself...doubting counselor...losing trust in her...in others, the gospel, the lord. Lost...I'm lost. Not worth it. I can't do this anymore. No reason. Desire to live is fading fast. I don't care. I don't even want to try. Read sticky notes...I don't deserve to be lvoed, to be nurtured or helped, to be hugged. I'm not worth it. It hurts to read them...hurts...throw up. They don't feel real. What's true? What if counselor is wrong? healing is not real. i'm broken beyond repair. I can't handle this and life. I can't...it doesn't work. doesn't make sense. Too much...doesn't fit. I want to give up How? How to give up. Stop breathing. I want to cut...cut so deep that it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm not enough. Never will be. I do everything wrong. people watch me, wait for me to mess up. I do something wrong i get punished, hurt. I want the hurt to stop. it won't stop...ever. Keep goign. no end. i won't ever get better. never wake up. never be alive. just exist, going through the motions...numb. it's wrong to take care of myself...i feel so selfish...i don't even know how...why try? so confusing. no balance. what's right/wrong? what's real/true? what's fake? why fight? why keep going? life isn't worth it...it's not...just going to get worse, harder. how can i ever handle it? too tired. don't care...don't even want to try. it hurts...head...stomach...body. too much. Time to go...Needs to end. suffocating. drowning. Can't breathe. Lost gone. Too far gone to save. Why would others care? why does counselor care? B&H? Why? I am not worth it. I can't be, I've let them down. Let everyone down. No control...no power. Lost. hopeless. shaking. I feel like a child. small...helpless...vulnerable...weak...scared. I'm alone...so alone. Curl up, shrivel away into nothingness. No, I'm still here. WHY?! I don't want to be here. It can't be true. I can't be worth it. I can't be loved. my faith is not enough...No No No. Want to scream. knife...cut...scars on skin. Cut--see blood. It's hopeless. I dn't want to live. Can't live. Not anymore. I am done. Close my eyes. Nothing. I don't know what I need. What's wrong with me. What do I need? I don't know. I want it to end. Just end! Please just let it be over. I hate life. I HATE it! I hate me...I hate me. The more I fight the worse it gets. the voices get louder...too much, drown out everything else. I can't hear anything else. There is nothing else. nothing...I am nothing. Just empty. A burden...a waste, a Freak. Can't keep going. Nothing to go to, nothing behind me...nothing inside. Just done, gone...can't breathe. There is no good...the good never lasts. It never will. What good is there in the world? There is nothing. Head hurts, stomach hurts. Slow motion inside. Fast on outside. Can't move. Don't even want to try. There is no love...love is not real...who would love a crazy suicidal person anyway? someone who hurts herself. i'm always going to be alone. so dark...empty