healing gracie

I'm not sure how to start off of what I want to talk about in this post...so I will just try to jump right in.

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I have been out of the hospital for just a little over 5 days...and to be honest I'm not doing too good. The relatives I live with really haven't dealt with it too well. My first couple days home the didn't talk about it at all (then again, they still haven't talked about it). They haven't asked how I am doing, if I'm doing better, or even what is wrong. Maybe I'm being really unrealistic to expect that...I'm not sure...I hardly ever know what to expect from them. But it kind of hurts...it's like they are pretending nothing happened...or nothing serious happened.

Relatives will call and ask them how I am doing..."She's doing great!" I'm not doing great...they don't even know how I am doing. I feel so much pressure right now to pretend that I'm doing okay...that everything is fine. It kind of hurts.

When it came time to leave the hospital I had the thought about whether I was ready to leave. I was ready to leave the hospital, but I was not ready to go home. In the hospital it was great to have my feelings constantly validated and understood. To have whatever issues I was dealing with taken seriously and not minimized. It was nice to be encouraged to let myself feel and to believe that there are no right or wrong feelings. It was nice to have my thoughts, opinions, etc. respected and for someone (multiple someones) to hear my voice. At home, this is not the case. I don't feel safe sharing what I think or feel. It is usually minimized or brushed off. Or I'm told I shouldn't be feeling that way or I have no reason to feel that way. Then I feel guilty about how I'm feeling and try to pull myself out of it...I can't and feel like a failure. Then I feel worse.

This also leads to me trying to stop myself from feeling. That is not healthy. In fact, that is one of the main things that contributed to me being suicidal. I don't want to go there again.

I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's easier for them (my family) to deal with it that way...pretend it didn't happen. It's easier for everyone else if I just pretend that I'm okay...that I don't have depression or post-traumatic stress. That I'm fine...that life is fine. That my hospital stay was a walk in the park. Truth is, it may be easier for them...but it's definitely not easier for me. But life's not easy...