Today is one of those days. I am in victim-mode again. How could I have let myself get back here? How?! All day I've been bombarded with thoughts of everything I have done wrong, and that I am still doing wrong. I feel like I'm a freak because I can't seem to handle every day situations normally. I feel like I am crazy, and that I am not normal. And because of that, that I will always be alone...because in the end people will have enough of my shit and run away. People can handle it, but only to a certain point. So at what point do I suck it up and push it aside and pretend I'm not being affected by it. And I what point to I vocalize that I'm not doing ok. Where is the balance?
This whole relationship thing has been hard. During the process of breaking up it was a struggle. It was a lot of pain, confusion, and feeling like I had done something wrong because it was hurting the guy I broke up with. I felt so bad that I wanted to hurt myself. And that is where I am today. After trying to talk it out, get my feelings out there, I've been thrown into a position where I am looked at as acting irrationally. That I'm not normal. That I am a freak. And for the first time in a really long time I have wanted to cut...really wanted to.
This is a hard fight right now. And I am facing it alone. Why is it when it gets hard, no one wants to be there to help you through it?
Well, it has been an interesting past couple of months. I haven't been on here to update anything because life has been so busy. I was juggling two jobs, trying to start a photography business, and I was dating someone pretty seriously. Now I have a little more free-time on my hands. Why? No longer dating someone. Yes, I am single again--or is it as usual?
This was the first relationship I had been in, well, in a while. At it was probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in. We even talked about marriage. We spent time together whenever we could match up our schedules. We talked for hours on the phone. And we were pretty open and honest with each other. I like him, and he liked me. He knew about my past and tried to cope with it as best he could...telling me he would be there every step of the way.
Then enter the drama. I started having a lot of triggers when I was around him. Those were hard, but I was able to manage those (most of the time, anyway). No, the hard part was the pressure that I was feeling. That pressure built as he told me his feelings on marriage and that he had an experience that told him that I was the "one." I felt pressured to live up to that. And I felt pressured because that is what I am supposed to do...move forward even if it is uncomfortable. I felt pressure from my friends, from the ward I am in (it is a single's ward afterall). But I wasn't ready. It was too much too fast and I needed a breather. I felt like I was suffocating, in a sense.
So I talked to my now ex and told him that I needed a break. He wondered why, and naturally wondered if it was him. It didn't, at least not at the time. Enter in 3 weeks of drama where I was on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I think I can say the same for my ex. I knew what I needed to do. I had prayed about it...pondered it. I even gave myself scheduled quiet time to think it through. All I needed after that was a break from my ex. Well, he made that pretty hard. He kept texting and such asking when I would be "ready." All I could tell him was that I did not know.
Long story short, I went back and forth questioning myself whether I had made the right decision to take a break. I questioned it a lot because of what my ex had said to me over the next few weeks. And what he kept telling me was pressuring me more. I felt trapped and that I was being forced towards a decision I wasn't ready to make. I was overwhelmed and it was taking it's toll on me. And it took its toll on him. For that I feel horrible. I even had a break down over it (not going to go into that one).
End of long story...we broke up more than we intended. I at first needed a break, but the continuous pressure pushed me further away that I lost my desire to keep going in, especially where I was questioning whether or not I wanted the relationship to go further.
I handled the break up pretty well, for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I broke up with him...in fact, I feel like a load of pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No, the hardest part of this whole thing is dealing with the being alone part...the fear of being alone and wondering if anyone can handle me. My ex was a really great guy, don't get me wrong there. He was very patient at first, very understanding, and always willing to listen. He kept making sure that things he was doing weren't triggering to me and such. And he said he would "wait for me to be ready" and help me through the process. That he loved me enough that he would. But me freaking out, getting scared, and triggered, and feeling pressured, that my choice was being taken away, it got too hard. He couldn't stand me taking a step back when he wanted to go forward. I had to take a step back, for my own sake really. It caused him a lot of pain though.
That's my fear: is there going to be anyone who can handle what I have to deal with when it comes to my past. I don't choose for this "stuff" to come up. All that's in my power is to choose how I handle it. And I am still learning to handle things in a healthy way. But maybe I am too much for someone to handle. Too much emotions, too much physical withdrawal, too much fear, lack of trust, etc. No one wants to deal with that, and I wonder if I should expect anyone too. I realize I have to do my part, and I feel that I did when it came to this relationship. I went well beyond my comfort zone. And it was a terrifying experience at times. It's just so hard right now, wondering if there is someone who can love me for me...all of me. Not just the parts they like and try to push the "nonsense" stuff out of view. It hurts...a lot.
What if my heart is too broken to love...and to give?
Lately I have been feeling kind of alone. It's not really the dark, depressing kind of alone. No, it's not that. It's more of a "I have so much to say, but there is no one there to listen" type of alone.
I've been going through a lot of changes lately in my life. Most of them have to do with me making progress in healing, which in turn affects other areas of my life. And it affects those areas in a good way. Even though it is good, it is still scary for me. I'm still somewhat afraid to trust it. It's all so new to me that I'm not sure how to respond to it at times. There has been just tons of new feelings, thoughts, etc. that I have been experiencing. It's pretty cool, but at the same time I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. Even though it's good stuff, I still need help processing it. And I do that best by talking through it.
A lot has been on my mind that I have needed to talk about. Relationships, love, me getting close to a guy...goals...believing in myself...self-worth and self-love...my mom (yeah, I was kind of hoping I was passed that one)...spiritual stuff. There's just a ton! And I'm not sure what to do with it all when I really don't have anyone to talk to. When that is the case I usually turn to writing...but writing can only do so much after a while. And it often turns into a one-sided conversation...with a limited perspective on the whatever I may be trying to proces.
What can I do?
A couple weeks back I had a major panic experience. It was triggered because I came face-to-face with one of my past abusers. Yeah, not a good experience there. I freaked out afterwards...really freaked out. Had a hard time breathing, was crying, shaking uncontrollably, and felt really dizzy. I felt fear, the same fear and panic that I remember feeling as a child.
How did this encounter happen? Well, my mother had called me to let him (my abuser) into her house. Now, I must clarify, this man did not sexually abuse me. His abuse was mostly emotional with physical intimidation. Don't get me wrong, it was horrible what he did to me. He told me I deserved the abuse that happened in my childhood and used that and other tactics to try to control me (even going as far as threatening to kill me). Yeah, scary situation there.
Now the question must be going through your head: Why did my mom ask me to do that, or rather how could she? She knows how I feel about this guy. She has even witnessed some of the things he has done to me. How could she even ask me to face him like that?!
The other question is, how could I have said yes? This came up in group tonight. Why did I agree to do something I definitely did not want to do. Why? Why? Why? I really didn't think much about why I had agreed to go. I had just stuck with the excuse I gave everyone else (and apparently myself): I thought I could handle it. Yeah, it became apparent very quickly that I was not able to handle it. Nope.
My counselor had brought up being afraid to let my mother down. I think that had somewhat to do with it, but it wasn't the complete reason. She asked me what my thought process was when my mom called me up and asked to do this "favor" for her. It took me a while to bring up what my thought process was at the time.
Yeah, the rest of group that night I kind of zoned out (tuning back in on occassion so no one would notice how bothered I was, or upset, but the upset part came later after my epiphany). I kept going through the scenario over and over in my mind, trying to replay what went through my head that night when my mother called. I won't lie, that was pretty hard to do. I've noticed that I have a gift for blocking out painful stuff.
Well, what happened was this:
-My mother called me to ask if I would let this guy in (he was locked out of her house).
-I said no, that I really didn't want to.
-My mom said she knew, but really needed me to help (or something like that, I wasn't really listening).
-At this point I had tuned my mother out...what I was focused on were the array of memories that had started flowing through my mind. These memories included one incident where this man couldn't get into the house (this was when I was a child still) and he went around the house beating on the doors and windows until I finally let him in. I was pretty shaken by that.
-I reluctantly agreed to go do the task I was asked to do, and was totally dreading it.
What do those memories have to do with me answering yes to my mother? It makes sense that it would be out of fear for myself...that if I didn't comply with my mother's request that he would come after me somehow. I think that was part of, but only part of it.
No, the reason hit me in the middle of group, and it almost through me off. I did it to protect my mom. I didn't want my mom to receive his wrath for me not doing a simple thing as going and unlocking a door. I didn't want my mom to get hurt. My actions that night were the result of me feeling like I had to protect my mom, and because of that I put myself in a situation where I did not feel safe.
Hmmm...I think there is something to learn here. Definitely something to address with my counselor.