I was talking with a friend the other night. She had read my article that I wrote about women survivors of child sexual abuse. She said one thing she learned from reading my article is that you can't tell people to stop being a victim. That you can't tell someone: "Okay! It has been 2 years now. It's time you forget about it and move on. Stop acting like a victim." That doesn't work. If anything, trying to tell someone it's time to move on can cause more damage, even if your intentions are good (and most of the time they are).
The truth is, there is no set time limit in dealing with abuse and its devastating effects. It takes time, different amounts of time depending on the person, to get to a point where they can say: "It's time to take control of my life." The person has to choose for themselves to stop being a victim and to start being a survivor. And they have to be ready for that. It can't be forced onto them...it can't be pressured...it can't be rushed. Being a survivor is a choice that will come over time...it's not something that happens naturally. And it's a difficult choice, but one that gets easier every time you have to make it.
I made the choice to be a survivor around a year ago...I think. I can't really pinpoint an exact date of when I decided I'm not going to be a victim anymore. The choice to be a survivor is one I have to make every day. Even though I am choosing to be a survivor, it is very easy to fall back into victim mode. If I am having a bad day, if nightmares start getting worse, etc. I am more prone to let go of the whole survivor gig and fall into self-pity. But what is great is that I am now getting better and recognizing when I am slipping back into victim mode. If I can see it happening I can take the actions I need to counter it. I can make the choice...and I have to make that choice. In order to live I have to make the choice to live...to keep on surviving.
The song of the week: "Light Up the Sky." Two words: powerful song. God is there with us...always. That's something that I need to remember...and it is sometimes very easy to forget in the midst of all my struggles.
Song: Light Up the Sky
Artist: The Afters
Album: Light Up the Sky
When I'm feeling all alone
With so far to go
The signs that know we're on this road
Guiding me home
When the night is closing in
Is falling on my skin
Oh God, will you come close
[CHORUS]
Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that You and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don't feel them shining
When I can't see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I've almost reached the end
Like a flood You're rushing in
Your love is rushing in (Your love is rushing in)
[CHORUS]
So I'll run straight to your arms
You're the bright and morning sun
To show Your love there's nothing You won't do (nothing You won't do)
[CHORUS]
(Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
That you are with me
Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
That you are with me
Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh)
So sorry about the breakdown about failing (which was in my last post). Yeah...those aren't fun.
Anyhoo, I learned something pretty neat in church today. Actually, it was more of a reminder. At that was to be more patient with myself. To not be so hard on myself. To accept myself where I am and the things that I need to change. And to do this one day at a time.
Now, I tend to be very hard on myself (as some of you know very well...you know who you are...you are probably nodding in agreement in fact). I mess up on one little thing and it's the end of the world. I tend to be a perfectionist. Everything has to be perfect, it has to be just right. And if it isn't right, then it is wrong. And if what I did was wrong, then I must be wrong, too. See the reasoning there. That's a lot of pressure I put on myself. A lot...and it's not good pressure either.
So, I'm going to hopefully use this reminder and look at where I am at now and accept it. I am not a failure, and I don't have to be perfect. I am learning. This life is a learning experience...and though I tend to learn lessons the hard way I will keep on learning. I'm going to work on what I can today, and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
I feel like I am failing...and I don't get why. This week has gone really good for me. I've had a lot of good and great things happen, but I feel like I'm failing right now. Like what I've accomplished not enough...that it will never be enough. It's really frustrating when I feel like I'm putting so much effort towards something only to see nothing come of it. It's tiring...I am very tired...exhausted...just completely drained...emotionally, mentally, physically. I am wondering why I can't seem to have a full 24 hours straight where I don't feel this way.
So, counseling went much better this week. That is a relief...a huge relief.
This session in counseling I did a visualization. The concept behind visualizations is somewhat simple and complicated at the same time. I am at a loss on how to try to describe them accurately, but I will do my best. What I do in visualizations is I get myself really relaxed and comfortable. I close my eyes, practice deep breathing, and then I start to visualize. My visualization work is mostly with my inner child. So pretty much I picture myself as a child (around 6-8 years of age...I'm not quite sure how old I am in it), and then there is me as a grown woman. In my visualizations I will interact with my inner child, have conversations with her, walk with her, etc. Hopefully this is making sense...it makes more sense in my head. Sorry, the concept is kind of out there.
Anyhoo, the benefit of doing visualizations is they can and seem to tap more into the subconscious of our minds. They bring up stuff that may not be readily available in the conscious mind. It's a great learning tool I believe, because what you think up in a visualization says a lot about where you are at in healing and what your needs may be. It's kind of like looking at yourself from another perspective.
Well, I haven't done a visualization since August of last year...that is a pretty long time. After pondering it for some time I decided I should start them up again, but I knew I needed a little help. My last few visualizations in August I kept getting stuck and didn't go anywhere. So at my last session of counseling I had my counselor help out a little.
Now, I'm not going to go into too much detail about the visualization. Those are really personal to me. But I will tell you what I learned from the experience. In my last visualization back in August, I had left my inner child of the care of my counselor (imaginative counselor). When I visited her again, she still looked the same, even though I expected her to be taken care of (this is where I'm going to leave detail out).
I asked my inner child about it and she said that my counselor had tried to take care of her, but she wouldn't let her. My inner child had been resistant to it. Looking back on it now, I realize that my inner child would have been resistant to it no matter who was looking after her, whether it was my counselor, a church leader, myself, or the Savior. This epiphany hit me late last night while I was walking through a Wal-Mart parking lot (of all places).
I got thinking about that...I mean really thinking about that. What my inner child needs is to be loved and cared for, and to feel safe. Those are her needs...which translate into my needs on some level. The help that I need is there, the love that I need is there...I just need to learn how to accept it...and to feel like I deserve it. That is why she was resistant to it, because she didn't feel that she deserved it. I need to let myself be loved.
Also, the need for me to accept help and guidance. That is what my counselor is for, is to help me and guide me through the healing process. If I can't even accept the help and be open to that...how can I ever be open and accepting of healing? I deserve to be healed, even if I don't feel that I do. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, and to be healed, whether it's by my counselor, myself, or the Savior.
And there you have it.
We have another song by Superchic(k) for the song of the week. This is actually the first song I heard of theirs. Earlier in my healing process, this is how I really felt. I can't tell you how hard it was, and still is, to believe and have faith that something good will come of what I went through. That there will be beauty from pain.
Song: Beauty From Pain
Artist: Superchic(k)
Album: Beauty From Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel I like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the face that I made
I try to keep on but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away
[CHORUS]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And I’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know I will when I look back someday
And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
[CHORUS]
Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
[CHORUS]
As mentioned in a previous post, I have taken up poetry writing again. It's a really good way to get some of this stuff out. It's hard, but I'm actually liking what is coming of it.
Now, before I get to the preview I want to tell you all what this poem is going to be like. It is actually going to be a very long poem that is broken up into parts (part I, part II, etc.). This poem series follows my healing process from the beginning (from when the abuse happened) and will end...who knows. Now, it has a lot to do with my inner child and the work I've done with that. It is very personal to me and very deep. Okay...now onto the preview. It's only a few lines.
Handprints left on body and face
The dark ink staining her skin
Yep, that is all. I know, it's only two lines...but hey, I don't want to give you too much before this part of the poem is finished. Besides, I hope it builds the suspense.
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Post-edit:
Those two lines were the first lines I wrote for the poem. Just in case you wanted to know
Yes...that's right people. I am staying strong. I am still moving forward...hanging in there no matter how hard it gets. And it gets hard at times. Really hard. But I need to keep going. There is a reason why I am still here. There is a reason why I survived the abuse. There is a reason why I am still fighting this exhausting battle day after day. I'm strong. I can do this. And I will.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my eyes happened to fall upon a picture of me with my mother and sister. It was a family photo taken about 18 years ago (it feels strange to say it was that long ago). I was maybe five or six years old at the time. I really looked at myself...me, as a child...
And I just started crying...
I know, another post...and not really a well-thought-out one either. I'm kind of in a venting mode right now, so bear with me. I can't seem to shut my mind off right now, so I am hoping a little bit a writing will help ease the emotional/mental overload I seem to be on right now...then I can sleep. And sleep is very much needed right now.
I've been feeling just strange lately. I know I'm going to have a hard time trying to explain it, but I will give it my best shot. I feel kind of out it...like I'm in a dream. I feel really disconnected, like I'm not all here. The intensity varies from time to time...it seems to get worse when I'm tired. But that is not the main thing.
Over the past few days, there has been just this creepy feeling I've been getting. Some memories keep getting triggered...but they aren't really visual memories. Some are, but most are just these physical sensations...like I feel like I'm being touched or just invaded...I can't really figure out how to describe it. But it feels so real, and it feels like I'm being violated again. It makes me feel like I want to just run and hide.
Like today when I was at work. I don't know what triggered it, but all of a sudden I just had the previously described feeling. I then became somewhat sick and had a shiver run down my spine. It didn't feel good. All I wanted to do was just curl up in a ball and hide away so far into myself that no one could find me. I even wrapped my arms around myself, like I was trying to hug myself or protect myself...trying to comfort myself or something...I'm not sure. It didn't feel good. I felt so uncomfortable and not safe. And then it went away. Even though it went away, I still found myself to be cautious. Of what, I don't know. But now I'm just feeling tense and on edge.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think something must be wrong with me. Not a single day. My attempts to convince myself otherwise have hopelessly failed so far. Other people have tried to convince that I am fine...that I am okay. My neighbor and friend, who I have mistreated at times, still loves and accepts me for who I am. And she is always willing to give me a much needed hug. And I can't figure out why.
My counselor, who has sat there week after week, whether I sit there in silence, talk, or if I am crying, she is always there...and she is always patient. She takes the time to help push me out of my comfort zone and deal with the crap that I am afraid to deal with. She creates this safe place. She cares for me despite my faults, my weaknesses, and my stupid mistakes. Even if I fall back into my old coping habits, she doesn't hate me for it. And I can't figure out why.
Even after a few years, the concept of unconditional love is still very strange for me. It's very foreign. I often feel like something is wrong with me because I think: "I shouldn't feel this way." I know in my mind, it makes sense that love is and should be unconditional...but in my heart I don't feel it. And I feel guilty about that, because I think I should be able to recognize and feel that. I can't seem to get myself to open up to that. And if I can't, then something must be wrong.
I think I'm going to stop there...this post was way too emotional for me.
I am so...so...FRUSTRATED!!! Yes, that is in all-caps on purpose. I feel so frustrated right now...have been for a while. Only now, the frustration has really intensified. I feel so lost with this whole healing thing right now. I don't know where I am at in it, or where I need to go.
The other night I was in counseling. I didn't know what to talk about. That has been becoming a regular predicament over the past several weeks. Not a good thing. I realize in order to get the most out of counseling, I need to do my part and do the talking. My counselor can't read my mind...well, not all the time (sometimes I think she can). But the problem is I don't know what to talk about. I will spend the week or two in between sessions going over things I need to work on, improve, or what I think I need to talk about...the session finally comes and it's like those things don't matter (I think I'm explaining this right). Or it doesn't feel like the direction I need to go.
I know I need to talk about something, so I pull something up to try to talk about. And it ends up being something I really don't need to talk about (sometimes I know this beforehand, sometimes I don't). I end up leaving feeling even more frustrated and discouraged...and then the cycle repeats.
I don't know what it is I need. I know there is a need (or needs) there, deep inside somewhere, but I can't seems to identify what it is. It seems like I've always had a hard time identifying my needs, whether they be physical, emotional, mental, social, or spiritual. My needs never really mattered...so I just pushed them out of my conscious mind.
But in counseling, it's about addressing those needs...it's about taking a look at the things I'm afraid of, my thinking errors, the things from the past that I need to deal with, coping behaviors I need to change, etc. I'm so frustrated right now because I can't seem to figure out what the hell it is I need. It seriously makes me want to cry...I hate crying...but that's a different post for a different day.
Even though I'm in a safe environment when in counseling (sometimes I have to be reminded of that), I am having a hard time facing those needs. I still have hard time believing that my needs do matter. Maybe that's why I have a hard time knowing what those needs are. It's so frustrating because I am the one who is supposed to know me best...no one else can figure out what I need...it's just me...but even I can't seem to figure it out.
I just don't know...
Sorry for the lateness of the song of the week. things have been crazy this week and this is the first time I've been able to stop and sit down for two minutes (just enough time to do this post).
This week's song is called "Again" by Flyleaf. I was introduced to this group only a few years ago and I've listened to their stuff ever since. I don't like all their songs, but most of them have a really great message attached. The song "Again" is one such song. It's about going through the struggles and trials of life and surviving through them by having faith in God. It's about doing all that you can and when it seems so unbearable that you can't go on, you drop to your knees and you surrender it to God. I love the chorus:
Here you are down are your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you
Please see and believe again
Now that's powerful!
Song: Again
Artist: Flyleaf
Album: Memento Mori
I love the way that your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
And living like it all depends on you
[CHORUS]
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again
I love that you’re never satisfied
With face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You’re so close to me that you nearly died
[CHORUS]
They don’t have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out
Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!
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Just a side-note, I have a couple more posts coming up. I apologize that it's been a long time...It takes a while to get this stuff out. I hope the wait will be worth it.
I must admit...this is going to be harder than I thought to open up about the deep, dark stuff on here. Yes, there is a little fear...okay, a lot of fear. But also, I have come to realize how hard it is to write about something so deep, so personal. I hardly ever talk about the personal stuff...some would say I hardly talk at all.
This whole writing about my feelings is not new...I try to do that with journal writing or free writing. But this is different. It's kind of strange for me because I know that what I write is going to be read by someone somewhere. It's a different kind of writing and one in which I am trying to get used to.
As my title so implies, I am still somewhat hesitant about spewing my guts out on this blog. I want to...it's just very uncomfortable. I really have to push myself to do it...to take time to write and to really think about my past, the abuse, my healing, and so forth. It takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of facing what I fear.
I'm still going to go through with it...I'm still going to open up at some point. Maybe not as soon as I would like (or as soon as my readers would like), but it is going to happen.
Deep breath...here I go...
The song being featured this week is called "Stand in the Rain" by Superchic(k). I haven't heard many of their songs, but I fell in love with this single of theirs. This is a great song about how you keep going, how you stand up despite all that seems to be falling apart around you. I really connect with the emotion in this song. It does a really good job describing the inner turmoil I was facing almost on a daily basis at the beginning of my healing. It kind of ties back to the theme of continuing fighting even though you don't want to or feel like you can't anymore. But guess what...you can and you will. Why? Because you have to...because it is worth it to to keep going...to keep on surviving...to keep on living.
Song: Stand in the Rain
Artist: Superchic(k)
Album: Beauty from Pain
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
Feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]
I've decided to give you all (all three of my readers...I possibly have more) a preview of what I am planning on writing about over the next couple of weeks.
As mentioned in a previous post I have taken up poetry writing again. It is a lot harder to write poetry than I remember. I was spewing out poems like crazy when I was younger, but now it takes a lot of time and effort to write just a few lines. But it is a work in progress. This poem that I am working on may turn into a series of poems. The topic that I decided to write about was my inner child. It took me sooooo long, I felt, to decide on what to write about. Then came the thought that I should focus on my inner child...so I am.
Also, I will now start going into a little more of the deeper stuff. Lately, I've just been getting my toes wet, testing out this blog thing and sharing my healing journey. Now, don't get me wrong...it still scares me a lot to go into the deeper stuff where most of the hurt is. You are going to have to bear with me...it may take a while to get some of that stuff out. Also, just a warning in advance: it's not going to be trimmed down or sugarcoated. Some of it may be hard to read...just like it is going to be hard for me to write.
So there you have it...what I'm going to be working on for the next couple posts.
Hello sunshine
It's been too long since I felt
Your beautiful warmth upon my face
I thought the title was appropriate where we finally have had a couple days of sunshine...finally REAL spring weather. And, no, those introductory words I cannot take credit for. They come from the song "Hello Sunshine" by BarlowGirl.
I am finally starting to pull out of the lowness I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I'm still struggling a bit, but it is not an intense as it was. I think it will always be a struggle in some way. There always seems to be something I'm dealing with.
Looking back through my life and healing, most of it has been pretty dark and stormy. It was a struggle to get through a single day...sometimes that was even too much. However, one thing I am learning is that storms don't last forever. Sooner or later, the storm will subside and the sunlight will shine through. For my healing process there have been several types of storms: from full-out blizzards to thunderous lightning and torrential downpours. Those are the extremes. When I'm not in an extreme part there always seemed to be rain or it would be cloudy.
Then there are the days of sunlight. These days of clear skies were few and far in between...they still kind of are. I can probably count on both my hands the number of days that I've felt completely fine...where nothing was wrong...where everything was bright and sunny.
It is hard to believe that there will ever be sunlight when you are in the midst of a great and terrible storm...where everything is dark and feels cold and hopeless. During my down days, that is what it feels like. But...one thing that helps me get through is to tell myself: "It won't last forever." It may be hard, it may be intense at that moment, but that moment won't last forever. At some point it will end. Even if I don't feel that way I have to try my best to convince myself that the sunlight will come.
I can only hope that at some point in my life there will be more sunny days than stormy days. There will be more storms ahead...more storms that I need to face. But for today, I am going to enjoy the sunshine.