healing gracie

I am so...so...FRUSTRATED!!! Yes, that is in all-caps on purpose. I feel so frustrated right now...have been for a while. Only now, the frustration has really intensified. I feel so lost with this whole healing thing right now. I don't know where I am at in it, or where I need to go.

The other night I was in counseling. I didn't know what  to talk about. That has been becoming a regular predicament over the past several weeks. Not a good thing. I realize in order to get the most out of counseling, I need to do my part and do the talking. My counselor can't read my mind...well, not all the time (sometimes I think she can). But the problem is I don't know what to talk about. I will spend the week or two in between sessions going over things I need to work on, improve, or what I think I need to talk about...the session finally comes and it's like those things don't matter (I think I'm explaining this right). Or it doesn't feel like the direction I need to go.

I know I need to talk about something, so I pull something up to try to talk about. And it ends up being something I really don't need to talk about (sometimes I know this beforehand, sometimes I don't). I end up leaving feeling even more frustrated and discouraged...and then the cycle repeats.

I don't know what it is I need. I know there is a need (or needs) there, deep inside somewhere, but I can't seems to identify what it is. It seems like I've always had a hard time identifying my needs, whether they be physical, emotional, mental, social, or spiritual. My needs never really mattered...so I just pushed them out of my conscious mind.

But in counseling, it's about addressing those needs...it's about taking a look at the things I'm afraid of, my thinking errors, the things from the past that I need to deal with, coping behaviors I need to change, etc. I'm so frustrated right now because I can't seem to figure out what the hell it is I need. It seriously makes me want to cry...I hate crying...but that's a different post for a different day.

Even though I'm in a safe environment when in counseling (sometimes I have to be reminded of that), I am having a hard time facing those needs. I still have hard time believing that my needs do matter. Maybe that's why I have a hard time knowing what those needs are. It's so frustrating because I am the one who is supposed to know me best...no one else can figure out what I need...it's just me...but even I can't seem to figure it out.

I just don't know...