healing gracie

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think something must be wrong with me. Not a single day. My attempts to convince myself otherwise have hopelessly failed so far. Other people have tried to convince that I am fine...that I am okay. My neighbor and friend, who I have mistreated at times, still loves and accepts me for who I am. And she is always willing to give me a much needed hug. And I can't figure out why.

My counselor, who has sat there week after week, whether I sit there in silence, talk, or if I am crying, she is always there...and she is always patient. She takes the time to help push me out of my comfort zone and deal with the crap that I am afraid to deal with. She creates this safe place. She cares for me despite my faults, my weaknesses, and my stupid mistakes. Even if I fall back into my old coping habits, she doesn't hate me for it. And I can't figure out why.

Even after a few years, the concept of unconditional love is still very strange for me. It's very foreign. I often feel like something is wrong with me because I think: "I shouldn't feel this way." I know in my mind, it makes sense that love is and should be unconditional...but in my heart I don't feel it. And I feel guilty about that, because I think I should be able to recognize and feel that. I can't seem to get myself to open up to that. And if I can't, then something must be wrong.

I think I'm going to stop there...this post was way too emotional for me.