healing gracie

Things aren't going well. I feel so frustrated because I can't seem to communicate what is going on. Everything feels so confusing. I can't seem to figure out what's right. My session with my counselor didn't go too well. I was having a really hard time telling her what I was really struggling with. I tried to get it out, tried to figure out how to word it, all the while trying to hold back floods of emotion. I couldn't get it out, and needless to say, we were both frustrated. I was mad, at myself because I couldn't get out what I was feeling. I became so frustrated that I withdrew (not the best thing to do), but it felt completely hopeless. It's hard to communicate how I feel when I don't really understand it myself, or know what words to use to describe it. I left feeling like a failure. I walked out, kept myself put together until I walked out the door. Then I just started sobbing.

Everything is so confusing right now. I feel like I am being constantly bombarded with so many messages, and I can't figure out what's right. I keep having mixed emotions about everything. I try to do something to help myself or to help me cope better...and then I feel guilty about doing it. For focusing on myself and my needs. There are all these contradicting thoughts/ideas happening at the same time, and I can't seem to sort it out.

It's really frustrating. I've learned so much...from counseling, group, and even my time at the hospital. I have learned ways to cope and deal better with what I am facing on a daily basis. It sounds great. It makes sense, and seems like it would work...that it will help me. It feels like something I can do. Then I go out into the "real world" and try to apply what I've learned...and I get burned. I get thrown back at me "that's bullshit." It's bullshit that I am struggling right now, that I am having such a hard time after doing so well. "How could you let yourself get that low again?" I don't know how I got that low again.

In the hospital I learned a lot. I was excited about getting out and moving forward, using the skills I had learned. "Yeah, I can do this...and I am going to." The problem, it's just me...no one else can or won't. It sounds possible while I was in the hospital. I seriously thought that things would get better...that I wouldn't have to hide as much. That it would finally be taken seriously. But it's not. There's just denial...and I am forced to put on my happy face to satisfy others. It's almost automatic. It's been my lifestyle to pretend everything is ok when it isn't. It's selfish to say I am struggling. And right now I am really struggling. I need help right now and I feel like I can't ask for it. That it's wrong to ask for help. Or that it's pointless. Enter the confusion. I learned that I need to ask for help. I do my best to try to reach out and start building support, and then I get the guilt card played. "But it's a good thing I'm trying to do...it's ok to ask for help," I try to tell myself. "No, it's not. You are being selfish. Just suck it up and deal with it. Go and help others. You should have more faith." Then I feel guilty because I'm not feeling or doing what I "should" be doing/feeling.

It feels like everyone is looking down on me right now. Yes, I made a stupid mistake. I let my emotions get the best of me. And I'm trying to move on. Sorry I'm not moving as fast as you want me to. I'm doing all I can. I feel completely drained, worn-out. It's taking all I've got just to get myself out of bed in the morning. It takes a lot for me to get myself to do something to help me cope or feel better, like drawing or writing. I do those things, feel a little better, and then feel guilty because I should have devoted that time and energy to something more "productive."

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been losing faith in counseling. I feel like I am jumping through hoops and getting nowhere. I've become really hesitant to trust in counseling. What's real and what's not. I feel safe in counseling. I feel cared about. But those feelings only last for that hour-long session once a week. It doesn't extend beyond that. I can't find it beyond there. When I am in a session, I find it hard to communicate what my needs are because it almost seems pointless. It doesn't translate over into the "real world." One of the things that comes to mind, because it is something I have needed lately, is just to have someone there crying with me. Just to have someone understand how much hurt I am feeling and try to console me. My counselor is the only person I feel safe crying in front of, but it is so hard for me to ask: "Hey will you sit with me as I cry. At least it can be that one thing that I don't always have to do alone." I wonder if I should even seek what I need there when I can't seem to find it anywhere else. If it's just providing this false sense of hope. I just feel so lost right now.