healing gracie

Well...I did have a "vomiting" moment last week. I had met with my counselor and told her what I thought I needed to do. She jumped right in when it came to encouraging me to go through with it...that night!

It was very hard. I didn't know how to start. I didn't know where to start. Or what to say. So I just picked a memory (out of a few that had been on my mind recenty) and talked about what I remembered. I kind of jumped around a bit, describing not only what happened, but how I felt as well...and how I feel now, as an adult looking back on it. I kind of get what I feel now mixed up with what I feel then at times...it's the whole distinction between the adult me and the child me.

It was painful to bring those memories to the surface, and to actually vocalize what had happened. It felt overwhelming at times. And there were times where I would get stuck, or I would stop because I did not want to say what happened next. My counselor handled those moments well...she would keep asking me "What happened next?" and tell me that I was doing a good job so far, but that I needed to keep going. She helped to make it feel safe.

This whole "vomiting" thing is not pleasant. Everytime I go through with there there is always tears. It brings up so much that even my body can't seem to handle it. I often begin to shake uncontrollably. That night I vomited there were tears and trembling. I felt sick to my stomach. When I was talking about specifics of what had happened to me, it was like I could feel it happening again. I could really feel it with my body. That was kind of scary. I remember I just wanted to curl up in a ball...now that I look back on it I think I did.

When it was all said and done I did my best to calm down. It took a while, but not as long as it has in the past. I was feeling so much at the end of the session. I was feeling drained, overwhelmed, and remnants of the fear, guilt, sadness, etc. that came with the memories. But I was also feeling a small sense of relief...that a little bit of pressure has been released.

Sadly, I might have to go through more of these "vomiting" experiences. Yes, I am still somewhat terrified of them...they are very uncomfortable. But they do help. It seems like the best way to get this poison out of my system.