It's been over two months since I have been discharged from the hospital. And, honestly, I still feel a lot of shame and guilt over having to go the hospital in the first place. And this is despite the best efforts of a few select people who have tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel that way.
What I have a hard time getting past is the fact that I chose to stop fighting, and that others had to step in to fight more me. They shouldn't have had to do that...but they did. They fought for my life because I refused to. I think that is why I feel such guilt, because I was so ready to throw away my life...because I didn't even care...but others did care.
I also blame myself for getting that low again. It is no one else's fault but my own. I didn't try to help myself. I stopped trying to do things to help me feel better. I just lost faith in it all. I just stopped wanting to live. I didn't see any point because life just felt too overwhelming. I've been in that low place before, and I have been able to pull myself out. Why didn't I do it this time? Why didn't I fight?
I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for that...
...Part of me still wonders if it was worth it...if I was worth it...
Posted by
Gracie
2 comments:
I understand those feelings all to well. Ive been to that low place more than i'd like to admit and have berated myself for being 'weak' but know that it just isnt the case. Sometimes 'giving up' takes more strength than holding on. Getting help is in no way a sign of weakness. The times I've spend and yes that was plural were the most helpful. Know you are loved and I see JUST how STRONG you are. Xo
Thanks Danielle. I know someday I will be able to look back and see that it was "ok." I just have to make it to that point.
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