healing gracie

...drained. That is how I feel right now. Just completely, drained, yet again. Nightmares have flared up, and they were just starting to get better. I feel so alone in dealing with them. There is nothing anyone can really do, or it is too much for them that they don't want anything to do with it. Others minimize it, avoid it or brush it off as nonsense, or that I am just trying to get attention. Maybe I ask for help the wrong way.

I wonder, if this whole time I have been "healing" if I really was making the progress I thought. That I really was getting better. Now it just feels like I was in people pleaser mode. It's because people only want to be around me when I am doing good, or okay. When my world is fine and nothing is broken. But when I start struggling again I get the cold shoulder. I feel like I have to start over.

Today is one of those days where I really want to talk to someone. Really want to/need to. About anything. About life. About how I am feeling. Just talking, listening. Usually, when this happens, I will flip through the numbers on my phone, only to find that not a single person feels right just to "talk to."

I went on a date today. I was so scared at first. Scared, nervous, thinking of every way possible that I could screw it up. I was afraid of that because my triggers have been in overdrive lately, and I was afraid of freaking out if I got triggered. But I was fine...maybe I don't give myself enough credit.

It was a fun date. The guy is really nice, fun. And he has somewhat of a sporadic, go with the flow personality. And he does not take himself seriously. Kind of a good counter for my serious nature.

We went geo-caching, which is kind of like a modernized treasure hunt using a GPS. We spent some time talking to each other, getting to know each other better and such. As we neared our destination we had to start hiking. It was a fun hike (we later found out we took the long, hard way...aka, made our own path when there was a perfectly carved path just west of us). Sad to say, we got to the location and there was no treasure to be found. We were quite disappointed, but not too disappointed.

We walked back the easy way to where the car was parked. Next to the parking lot is a stream. We decided to have a little more fun and have a skipping rock contest. I would say it was a draw, that our talents at skipping rocks were fairly matched...but my date would say otherwise. He deemed himself champion.

I actually had a good time...that kind of surprised me. It was hard, at first. At the beginning of the date I was so nervous that I had a hard time talking. But as the date went longer I got a little more comfortable. It was probably one of the best dates I've been on...as in a date where I wasn't constantly trying to talk myself through it. I just did my best to have fun. And it worked.

This song really does a good job describing how I am feeling right now. I know I posted it already, but I kind of needed to get out there what I have been struggling with these past few weeks.

I still wonder if I am human at times. Because my behavior, or the way I react to some things, or how I feel...it is just so out there for others. They are not sure how to handle me. I'm not even sure of that.

Part of me believes that I am just pretending to be human. Acting out that everything is all right so I fit in...don't scare people away. Fake it til I make it. But sometimes I can't fake it...and when I stop faking it, people turn and run 100 mph in the opposite direction. The phrase in the song: "I've been believing in something so distant, as if I was human. And I've been denying this feeling of hoplessness in me." Have I really, this whole time, been working towards something that isn't real? Has my healing been an illusion, or a facade that I present to the world? A facade that was so convincing that I even fooled myself? Am I human? And if I am not, then what am I? I am like a human...I try to act human. But is that enough.

"I have nothing left...and all I feel is this cruel wanting." What else can I do? What do I have left to give/offer? I have this wanting in my heart...my deep desire to be real and to feel connected to someone. To be okay. To no feel like I'm always having to put on a show for everyone. I want to be human.

I think I am doing worse right now than I am letting others know. Ok, I know I am doing worse. That became clear to me as I was meeting with my counselor tonight. I am doing good...I'm ok, surviving and not in a crisis or anything. But I am doing worse in a lot of areas.

Mostly relationships...any kind of relationship. I guess it is still an ongoing struggle that has never really let up. I don't feel connected to anyone...I'm not close to anyone at all really. I do have those few select moments where I do feel that, but it never lasts, despite my best efforts.

Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people? I know fear has had a lot to do with that...but in knowing that I have tried to push past my fear and work on it. But even when I try it seems more like I scare people away. I try to be more of who I really am, and who I want to be...and it's not what others are used to, so it drives them away. And, naturally, because of that I feel pressured to be what others want so they don't leave. I have a really hard time with being alone. I hate it, but I don't see a way around it.

I have been feeling really lonely lately. So lonely that I will "accidentally" butt dial someone just so I have an excuse to say hi (I know, lame...and desperate). It's been hard as I've been dealing with this nightmare, no sleeping crap. I am drained, and I have needed support, but haven't really been able to find it. Heck, I even got so desperate in my loneliness a couple times that I tried to contact my counselor...I wasn't in crisis or anything...I just needed someone who understood. But I can't turn to her in that way...she reminded me of that tonight. I must admit, I do struggle with that boundary when I am feeling pretty alone. I understand why it is in place, and she did her best to try to not hurt my feelings. Really, my feelings weren't hurt...it was more of a feeling like I did something wrong, that I messed up again. It's hard and confusing at times when your counselor seems to be the only one who accepts you for you and doesn't give you a hard time because you are struggling. Of course that's where I would want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I am too attached to my counselor. I'm not sure how to deal with that...and I have no idea how to bring that up, or if I should.

...keep flooding in to my head. Memories of that long week I spent in the hospital last year. All these images keep flooding my mind...the ambulance, the doctors, me locked in a room crying. I felt so alone, betrayed, and I was terrified. I can see it all so clearly in my mind. And not only from my point of view, but also as if I am someone watching from the outside (which is really weird to me that I can picture that). It has been hard to deal with these memories again. It's a hard thing for me to look at and remember. I am glad that it happened because it needed to. I wouldn't be here if it hadn't. But it is still really hard to look at it. And right now my mind keeps being flooded with images of that event. There are some triggers for it, like when I see an ambulance drive by, or when I drive past the hospital I was first admitted to (which I pass almost every day). I wonder if I will be okay...if I will ever forgive myself for that happening.

A gal I go to group with shared this with me. It really touches on how it feels to be the "broken girl." And it gives hope. This week's song is called "Broken Girl" by Matthew West.

Can I just say that I am completely worn out. I mean completely. I am drained physically, emotionally, mentally... how much longer can I go on like this? It has literally made me physically sick. I'm worried...I'm scared.

This is not a good pattern to be in. Nope. Because of all the emotional upheaval lately, I have just felt so drained and exhausted. What is there to remedy that? Naturally, sleep. So I sluggishly get into my pj's and try to go to sleep. Only my mind keeps on ticking for what seems to be hours. I toss and turn for a while only to realize that my efforts to fall asleep have proven vain.

Eventually I do drift off into the world of slumber, but I must say that my sleep lately has been anything but restful. Every night for the past two weeks I have had nightmares. Each one of them has had at least one of my abusers in it...and it has been very vivid. By this I mean that the details, imagery, feelings, etc. are so real to my senses that my mind registers what I am experiencing in the dream as really happening. My nightmares are not pretty, and lately it's been the more invasive ones. I wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. I feel all shaky and panicky and oftentimes very sick. No wonder I wake up in the morning feeling even more tired than when I went to bed. I'm constantly being violated in my sleep...and it is so draining emotionally, physically, mentally.

I don't know why my nightmares have been so terrible lately. The last time they were this bad was before I was in the hospital last year. That's pretty bad. I am betting that something has triggered it, but I am not sure what. All I can say is that it is really starting to wear down on me.

I don't know what it is, but there is something about this time of year that really gets to me. For some reason I really struggle a lot between the months of February and May. And I have no clue why. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I have been struggling a lot lately. It has been one heck of a battle. Then I started looking back over these past couple of years and I noticed that a lot of my hardest moments were during this time, during the transition of winter into spring. I don't get it. I keep searching my mind, trying to find some reason why I always seem to have the hardest time fighting during these months. My mind has revealed nothing yet.

How I do not like you. This feeling has been settling with me for the past couple weeks now. I know part of it has to do with breaking up with my ex, because now all the time I was spending with him has now all of a sudden become open. I know that's normal, especially where I don't have much of a social life outside of that dating experience and group.

We talked about it in group this past session, actually. One of the other group members was struggling with feeling alone. And everything she said I was saying in my head: "Yep, that is how I feel" or "I still struggle with that." I really felt for her because I know how it feels not to be able to connect to anyone. I, myself, have had those days or nights where I feel alone and need a friend. I get out my phone and go through the hundreds of names in my contact list...and none of them seem to be an option to call. I easily talk myself out of it. Oh, they are busy. Or, it is so last minute. Or they are probably out with their significant other. The scenarios I draw up are endless. Or there is the fear of being rejected.

I have made some progress in this area, and in doing my part of reaching out. But it seems to have little result. I try to call up people, spend time talking with others at activities or church. I guess you can say I have a pretty good group of casual friends (as in I can go have fun with them and they don't know a thing about my dark past). Why I think it hasn't been much of a success: there are times where I will see these people and hear them talking about what they did last Friday night. Or I will see pics on facebook of them having a great time and wonder why I wasn't invited, or why they didn't let me know about the activity when most of the people in my group I chat with on a regular basis. I know there is a thinking error in there somewhere, but where. I just keep going back to I must be doing something wrong, or not enough.

Well, that is enough rambling for now. That's me, dealing with loneliness. And I hate it. Can I just say that! It totally sucks. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have nightmares galore going on...but that is a post for a later time.

Thanks for listening.

This week's song is so deep. That is all I have to say about it.



Song: Lost in Paradise
Artist: Evanescence
Album: Evanescence

I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Alone, and lost in paradise

I mean, butt. Anyhoo, I am not going to let this bring me down. Nope. I've come too far to let it all fall to pieces now. I'm not going to give in that easy. I'm not going to give in at all! I'm not a victim. I am a survivor. I can live and not let abuse rule my life. Or fear. Or confusion. Or any of that other negative crap! Nice try Satan, this girl's not going down!

Today is one of those days. I am in victim-mode again. How could I have let myself get back here? How?! All day I've been bombarded with thoughts of everything I have done wrong, and that I am still doing wrong. I feel like I'm a freak because I can't seem to handle every day situations normally. I feel like I am crazy, and that I am not normal. And because of that, that I will always be alone...because in the end people will have enough of my shit and run away. People can handle it, but only to a certain point. So at what point do I suck it up and push it aside and pretend I'm not being affected by it. And I what point to I vocalize that I'm not doing ok. Where is the balance?

This whole relationship thing has been hard. During the process of breaking up it was a struggle. It was a lot of pain, confusion, and feeling like I had done something wrong because it was hurting the guy I broke up with. I felt so bad that I wanted to hurt myself. And that is where I am today. After trying to talk it out, get my feelings out there, I've been thrown into a position where I am looked at as acting irrationally. That I'm not normal. That I am a freak. And for the first time in a really long time I have wanted to cut...really wanted to.

This is a hard fight right now. And I am facing it alone. Why is it when it gets hard, no one wants to be there to help you through it?

Well, it has been an interesting past couple of months. I haven't been on here to update anything because life has been so busy. I was juggling two jobs, trying to start a photography business, and I was dating someone pretty seriously. Now I have a little more free-time on my hands. Why? No longer dating someone. Yes, I am single again--or is it as usual?

This was the first relationship I had been in, well, in a while. At it was probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in. We even talked about marriage. We spent time together whenever we could match up our schedules. We talked for hours on the phone. And we were pretty open and honest with each other. I like him, and he liked me. He knew about my past and tried to cope with it as best he could...telling me he would be there every step of the way.

Then enter the drama. I started having a lot of triggers when I was around him. Those were hard, but I was able to manage those (most of the time, anyway). No, the hard part was the pressure that I was feeling. That pressure built as he told me his feelings on marriage and that he had an experience that told him that I was the "one." I felt pressured to live up to that. And I felt pressured because that is what I am supposed to do...move forward even if it is uncomfortable. I felt pressure from my friends, from the ward I am in (it is a single's ward afterall). But I wasn't ready. It was too much too fast and I needed a breather. I felt like I was suffocating, in a sense.

So I talked to my now ex and told him that I needed a break. He wondered why, and naturally wondered if it was him. It didn't, at least not at the time. Enter in 3 weeks of drama where I was on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I think I can say the same for my ex. I knew what I needed to do. I had prayed about it...pondered it. I even gave myself scheduled quiet time to think it through. All I needed after that was a break from my ex. Well, he made that pretty hard. He kept texting and such asking when I would be "ready." All I could tell him was that I did not know.

Long story short, I went back and forth questioning myself whether I had made the right decision to take a break. I questioned it a lot because of what my ex had said to me over the next few weeks. And what he kept telling me was pressuring me more. I felt trapped and that I was being forced towards a decision I wasn't ready to make. I was overwhelmed and it was taking it's toll on me. And it took its toll on him. For that I feel horrible. I even had a break down over it (not going to go into that one).

End of long story...we broke up more than we intended. I at first needed a break, but the continuous pressure pushed me further away that I lost my desire to keep going in, especially where I was questioning whether or not I wanted the relationship to go further.

I handled the break up pretty well, for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I broke up with him...in fact, I feel like a load of pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No, the hardest part of this whole thing is dealing with the being alone part...the fear of being alone and wondering if anyone can handle me. My ex was a really great guy, don't get me wrong there. He was very patient at first, very understanding, and always willing to listen. He kept making sure that things he was doing weren't triggering to me and such. And he said he would "wait for me to be ready" and help me through the process. That he loved me enough that he would. But me freaking out, getting scared, and triggered, and feeling pressured, that my choice was being taken away, it got too hard. He couldn't stand me taking a step back when he wanted to go forward. I had to take a step back, for my own sake really. It caused him a lot of pain though.

That's my fear: is there going to be anyone who can handle what I have to deal with when it comes to my past. I don't choose for this "stuff" to come up. All that's in my power is to choose how I handle it. And I am still learning to handle things in a healthy way. But maybe I am too much for someone to handle. Too much emotions, too much physical withdrawal, too much fear, lack of trust, etc. No one wants to deal with that, and I wonder if I should expect anyone too. I realize I have to do my part, and I feel that I did when it came to this relationship. I went well beyond my comfort zone. And it was a terrifying experience at times. It's just so hard right now, wondering if there is someone who can love me for me...all of me. Not just the parts they like and try to push the "nonsense" stuff out of view. It hurts...a lot.

What if my heart is too broken to love...and to give?

Lately I have been feeling kind of alone. It's not really the dark, depressing kind of alone. No, it's not that. It's more of a "I have so much to say, but there is no one there to listen" type of alone.

I've been going through a lot of changes lately in my life. Most of them have to do with me making progress in healing, which in turn affects other areas of my life. And it affects those areas in a good way. Even though it is good, it is still scary for me. I'm still somewhat afraid to trust it. It's all so new to me that I'm not sure how to respond to it at times. There has been just tons of new feelings, thoughts, etc. that I have been experiencing. It's pretty cool, but at the same time I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. Even though it's good stuff, I still need help processing it. And I do that best by talking through it.

A lot has been on my mind that I have needed to talk about. Relationships, love, me getting close to a guy...goals...believing in myself...self-worth and self-love...my mom (yeah, I was kind of hoping I was passed that one)...spiritual stuff. There's just a ton! And I'm not sure what to do with it all when I really don't have anyone to talk to. When that is the case I usually turn to writing...but writing can only do so much after a while. And it often turns into a one-sided conversation...with a limited perspective on the whatever I may be trying to proces.

What can I do?

A couple weeks back I had a major panic experience. It was triggered because I came face-to-face with one of my past abusers. Yeah, not a good experience there. I freaked out afterwards...really freaked out. Had a hard time breathing, was crying, shaking uncontrollably, and felt really dizzy. I felt fear, the same fear and panic that I remember feeling as a child.

How did this encounter happen? Well, my mother had called me to let him (my abuser) into her house. Now, I must clarify, this man did not sexually abuse me. His abuse was mostly emotional with physical intimidation. Don't get me wrong, it was horrible what he did to me. He told me I deserved the abuse that happened in my childhood and used that and other tactics to try to control me (even going as far as threatening to kill me). Yeah, scary situation there.

Now the question must be going through your head: Why did my mom ask me to do that, or rather how could she? She knows how I feel about this guy. She has even witnessed some of the things he has done to me. How could she even ask me to face him like that?!

The other question is, how could I have said yes? This came up in group tonight. Why did I agree to do something I definitely did not want to do. Why? Why? Why? I really didn't think much about why I had agreed to go. I had just stuck with the excuse I gave everyone else (and apparently myself): I thought I could handle it. Yeah, it became apparent very quickly that I was not able to handle it. Nope.

My counselor had brought up being afraid to let my mother down. I think that had somewhat to do with it, but it wasn't the complete reason. She asked me what my thought process was when my mom called me up and asked to do this "favor" for her. It took me a while to bring up what my thought process was at the time.

Yeah, the rest of group that night I kind of zoned out (tuning back in on occassion so no one would notice how bothered I was, or upset, but the upset part came later after my epiphany). I kept going through the scenario over and over in my mind, trying to replay what went through my head that night when my mother called. I won't lie, that was pretty hard to do. I've noticed that I have a gift for blocking out painful stuff.

Well, what happened was this:
-My mother called me to ask if I would let this guy in (he was locked out of her house).
-I said no, that I really didn't want to.
-My mom said she knew, but really needed me to help (or something like that, I wasn't really listening).
-At this point I had tuned my mother out...what I was focused on were the array of memories that had started flowing through my mind. These memories included one incident where this man couldn't get into the house (this was when I was a child still) and he went around the house beating on the doors and windows until I finally let him in. I was pretty shaken by that.
-I reluctantly agreed to go do the task I was asked to do, and was totally dreading it.

What do those memories have to do with me answering yes to my mother? It makes sense that it would be out of fear for myself...that if I didn't comply with my mother's request that he would come after me somehow. I think that was part of, but only part of it.

No, the reason hit me in the middle of group, and it almost through me off. I did it to protect my mom. I didn't want my mom to receive his wrath for me not doing a simple thing as going and unlocking a door. I didn't want my mom to get hurt. My actions that night were the result of me feeling like I had to protect my mom, and because of that I put myself in a situation where I did not feel safe.

Hmmm...I think there is something to learn here. Definitely something to address with my counselor.

I did it again...fell in love with another song. And I must admit, this one was a surprise. This week's song is a very emotional one for me. When I first heard it I was surprised at how strongly I could connect with it. I was thinking about how familiar it was to me, because I have been there. I have been in that place where I felt my heart was broken, and that was it, that was the end. Here I was in this helpless state pleading for release, to be delivered from the pain I was experiencing. The lyrics to this song just explain it almost perfectly...in fact, I'm going to do something a little different with this song: I am going to try to explain how I relate to this song. This week's song is called "My Heart is Broken" by Evanescence.

I also love the music video for this song. I love the emotion that Amy Lee (lead singer) brings to the music. It's probably why I connected with their other music when I was younger, was because of the emotion in it. And it's why I really connected with this song in my present life, because I can see myself in it.



Song: My Heart is Broken
Album: Evanescence
Artist: Evanescence

This song is awesome! That is all I have to say...okay, I will say more. I LOVE this song for some reason...just love it. It reminds me so much of what I would do as a child to "escape" from the horrors that I was faced with daily. I would often daydream...imagine myself in a different place away from the pain and the fear. I would close my eyes, and there I was in a different world far more perfect than the one I was living in. It was my escape...it was my paradise. This week's song is Paradise by Coldplay.

Just a note, I have no idea what is up with the elephant...though it is kind of trippy.



Song: Paradise
Artist: Coldplay
Album: Mylo Xyloto

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
and dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
lalalalalalalalalalala
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
 Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

This song speaks for itself. So amazing! This week's song is a cover of Coldplay's Paradise [Peponi] African style performed by the PianoGuys.

This is a great song about beauty. This is for all the girls/women who struggle with finding themselves beautiful. I will admit that I struggle with this myself...I often wonder if I am beautiful. But, I realize that I am often comparing myself to the world's standard of beauty, which is artificial. True beauty is more than skin deep. True beauty is accepting who you are. This song has helped to remind me of that...that there cannot be a more beautiful you. This week's song is "More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz.

Hey there! I know it's been a while. Life seems to be getting busier. Now that it's a new year I plan on making some changes to this blog. One of those changes is a feature I like to call "My Playlist." This is a cool musical feature that I have added under the My Pages section. The playlist includes most of the music I have shared with you all as the Song of the Week. Be sure to check it out! http://healing-gracie.blogspot.com/p/my-playlist.html