healing gracie

It's been six months since that day where I had given up on life. I wanted nothing more to do with it. It hurt...it was unbearable...there was no hope...no light whatsoever. Six months ago, today, I tried to end my life. But it was also six months ago that a small part of me (a really small part) had the fight to keep going. There was a part of me that night that chose to live, even though I didn't want to. Whether that choice was based on fear, a rude awakening, divine intervention...it really doesn't matter. I made a choice to keep going in those dark hours...and because of that I am still here.

It was also through the choices of others who love and care about me that helped me to continue in that choice to live. My counselor, who I owe so much to for recognizing that I was not in a healthy place and got me the help that I needed. I think it is safe to say that she was a major factor in saving my life during that time. My family, who supported me, even though they didn't really know what was going on. The few friends that I told, who listened with concern and offered whatever help they could. To the women I go to group with...their support and words of encouragement helped me to not feel so alone. The doctors and nurses who took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself...who helped me to work through what I was going through in a safe environment. This may seems strange, but even the other patients. I look back, and it was like we were all trying to help each other out...this group of people who were suicidal, delusional, drug addicts, alcoholics...just tons of different people...we were trying to help each other to make it through...to make it through one more day.

As I was driving home from group session tonight...that is what I was thinking about. It is still hard to think about the time I was in the hospital. It's hard to remember myself in that place...that state of mind. It still brings tears to my eyes. But I am making it...and I've come a long ways since that day in June. A long ways.

Thank you to those who helped to keep me going.


*Side-note: It has also been six months since I last cut! And that is to the day as well. I wanted to share that in group session tonight, but I am always hesitant to draw attention to myself. I'm kind of upset that I didn't, because I wanted to share with those women something big that I have accomplished...and it hasn't been easy. Maybe with a little help I will in the next session.

Ugh...it was one of those days. It started as a good day, then at work I get totally flustered and mess up. I hate it when I mess up. So what did I do...the whole drive home I kept dwelling on it...putting myself down and such. I did try to talk myself out of the negative self-talk, but I didn't have as much success as I would have liked.

The damage was done. What started as one thought ricocheted off into several more destructive thoughts. Thoughts came up from my past, such as how I reacted in certain situations. How I tried to get help from people. I felt like a freak again. I am doing my best to get it out of my system before it does more harm.

I could use some help with this one.

Thanksgiving was wonderful!

The yams turned out great! (If I do say so myself).

And the world did not end!

A very successful holiday :D

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Yes, I am posting on Thanksgiving. Why? Because I wanted to share something extraordinary that I accomplished today. I made yams for the first time in my adult life...actually my entire life. Isn't that great?! Maybe...

Ok,that's not my real accomplishment. What I really achieved today was a sense of "okayness" (is that even a word?). I guess I should tell the story, and it does have to do with the yams afterall.

So, it is Thanksgiving and I decided to try this new recipe for yams. This is a shocker in more than one sense. For one, I do not like yams...in fact I rather dislike them. Second, I don't like to cook (or at least I thought I didn't like to cook). But that's beside the point.

There I was, chopping away at the yams, dicing them into bite-sized pieces and such. Then I made the sweet sauce stuff that goes on top of it (it consisted of butter...lots of butter, brown sugar, and Dr. Pepper of all things). I was actually feeling pretty confident about going through and preparing this traditional Thanksgiving dish. I wasn't freaking out, worrying if it was going to turn out ok. And that's the accomplishment right there.

I know, it might seem lame to some of you. But it's a real big thing for me. I mean, I used to freak out frying an egg...worrying if it was perfect or that it turned out the right shape, or the yolk was cooked enough. I was always afraid of judgment in that sense.

Well, not today! Yep, I baked some yams today without worrying about how they would turn out...even though it was brought to my attention that it's not a good idea to try out new recipes on Thanksgiving. Oops...wait...oh well. As I was pouring the sauce over the yams I had the thought: "It doesn't matter if they turn out. If they turn out good, then that great! It they don't, then it's not the end of the world."

So there you have it...I baked yams and it's not the end of the world, at least not for me. If it is the end of the world, my apologies in advance that I brought it on sooner than people were expecting (like 2012).

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know I have posted this song before as a song of the week, but I just had to post it again. For some reason the message in it has been really resonating with me lately. I heard it on the radio the other night and just felt that I had to post it again.

The message is so powerful. You are more...than your past mistakes...than the choices that you make...You are more...than the problems you face, that you create... You are more...than what you have done, and what's been done to you. You are have not fallen too low to love. Even if you feel broken, you are more than that. You are more...you deserve to be loved.

This is a message I have been trying to get myself to believe in since I left the hospital 5 months ago. That I am more than what happened to me then...that I am more than those choices that I made. That I am more now...that I am still growing, changing, and being remade.



"Your are More" by Tenth Avenue North

...that I start to struggle a bit when it gets to the "anniversary" of my time in the hospital. Every month, in the middle of the month is when I start the hit that struggle point. There I am, looking at the calendar trying to figure out what date it is...and then it hits me...I was in the hospital five months ago.

I will admit that it has been hard for me to accept that I had to go the hospital...that I tried to hurt myself. I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I try to talk myself through it logically: "I was sick and needed help..." but it's on the emotional level that I can't believe it. I have made progress...I am not beating myself up over it as badly as I was before, and not at often either. It's just during those love days of the 14th through the 22nd of each month that it's hard.

I did write a pep-talk to help me when I do hit those down times. One thing that I wrote in there is the thing that I am striving to believe the most right now. I wrote: "I am glad I am still alive."

So...I learned a very good lesson at church today. A really good lesson...in fact, I think it was directed towards me...well, it felt that way. It hit me pretty hard. Today for Sunday school I decided to go to the marriage prep class (gasp! I know...roll your eyes if you want). Even though I am nowhere close to getting married I thought it would be a good idea to go. There are several reasons for this.

One of the main reasons is I want to do what I can to be ready when the opportunity for marriage comes. Most of my life growing up was filled with examples of unhealthy relationships, particularly in my mom's marriages. Also, I have realized recently that I need to worry less about finding a guy than making myself ready. Yes, I need to pursue dating more actively...and not run from it like I want to. But I also need to work on myself in the mean time. There are areas I need to improve in before I can have a healthy relationship with someone.

One of those areas was addressed in the class today: communication. Yep, that's a weak point for me still. I struggle with it a lot more than I want to admit. But guess what, communication is a pretty important part of a relationship...it's probably in the top five of most important things to have in a relationhsip. Couples need communication to be healthy and to thrive. And it needs to be the right kind of communication (which I will not go into now).

What is the hardest part of communication for me? Actually communicating. I always hide everything...what I am feeling, thinking, my talents/interests, etc. I am improving a little bit, but I realized that I still hide too much. Way too much. Why do I hide? Fear of getting hurt, rejected, made fun of, etc. I am working through this, at least I am trying to. But I realize I still need help in that area of getting past the fear. Counseling and group has helped, but I need to push myself more to open up... not just about the abuse and that crap, but about anything. My life for crying out loud! Talking about my days, the other person's day...how work was, etc.

I have a lot of work to do. I wonder if it is possible (again, irrational thought here) to get past the habit of hiding. I've been hiding my whole life. It's scary to put myself out there. It's scary for me to be close to someone. But I guess that ties in with another element of a healthy relationships: trust. If I trust someone then those fears subside or don't matter. Then I can let myself be close to them. To open myself up...and be loved and accepted for who I am. And I want to be able to provide that for someone else.

I guess the bottom line is, I am not ready for a relationship right now. It doesn't mean I can't work toward it, but it is something I need to improve in. I need to stop hiding, and in order to do that I need to trust more.

Any advice, suggestions, personal experiences/stories are more than welcome of this topic.

Yep, I have been having nightmares again. Not so frequently that it's causing me to break down or anything, but enough to catch my attention. Nightmares are so draining for me. Most of the time when I have a nightmare related to the abuse I usually see myself...a younger version of myself most of the time. There have been times where it is my present self.

For example, recently I had a nightmare where I was forced to submit to one of my abusers...and it was my present self!!! It really bothered me! It's one thing to look at myself as a child in that position, but now, as an adult, it was hard to see myself like that. Part of me wonders if I still believe that I deserve that kind of treatment. Or if I really am that vulnerable to getting hurt again.

His face was so clear in that nightmare...his face, his body...it was so vivid. It felt so real...too real...

Sometimes I wonder...and secretly fear...well, it's not so much a secret anymore...but I seriously wonder, think, believe, fear, etc. that I will end up alone. That I will always be alone. I know, irrational thought there. But here I am, and mid-twenties LDS girl striving to do what's right, live righteously, and all the while battling the demons from my past. And I'm worried about marriage!?!? Uh, yeah, I am. Well, not marriage specifically, but it is part of it. I am more worried that I will never be close to someone, and marriage is the first type of relationship that pops into my mind when I think of people who are close (assuming it is a healthy relationship, of course).

It's too late to go into detail now...I am far too tired to write down all of my fears/insecurities related to the aforementioned subject of relationships and closeness. I have a feeling that will be an interesting post. I hope you all get your noggins working....I could use some input on this one.

I don't know why, but I really like this song. It's from a group I used to listen to in my middle school/high school days. I stopped listening to them because a lot of their stuff was negative, depressing, etc. But I found this new song of theirs and I just love it! For me, it's my "angry song," the song I listen to when I am feeling upset and like I am being rundown by my past abusers. For me it depicts the constant struggle of breaking free from being entangled to the past...and it is a fight...a difficult fight where you sometimes feel like you are failing, falling, spiraling down. It's kind of my way of fighting back against that...my way of kicking butt and saying: "Hell no, you are not going to mess with my life anymore. I am going to do what I want with my life. You can't control me! I know who I am and you aren't going to drag me down with you!"

This week's song is called "What You Want" by Evanescence.



Song: What You Want
Artist: Evanescence
Album: Evanescence

Do what you what you want, if you have a dream for better
Do what you what you want till you don't want it anymore
(remember who you really are)

Do what you what you want, your world's closing in on you now
(it isn't over)
Stand and face the unknown
(got to remember who you really are)
Every heart in my hands like a pale reflection

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe we can break through

Do what you what you want, you don't have to lay your life down
(it isn't over)
Do what you what you want till you find what you're looking for
(got to remember who you really are)
But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe
Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe

There's still time close your eyes only love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul
Till we crash we're forever spiraling down, down, down, down

Hello, hello, its only me infecting everything you love
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to learn forgiveness

Hello, hello remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe we can break through

(remember who you really are)
Do what you what you want

I just had to share this song! Very powerful!!! When I listened to it for the first time I thought about myself...how it felt to be abused, how I felt broken, lost, worthless. But now I am rising up...I am living my life despite the horrible things that happened to me. And I am doing it for me.

This song of the week is called "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato



Song: Skyscraper
Artist: Demi Lovato

I am finally getting around to posting the lyrics...I know, it took me about a week...sorry ;)

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

That's right...I am going to be taking a break from this blog for a while. Note the "brief" in the title, though. This is only going to be temporary and last maybe for a few weeks. The reason for this break: I have so much going on right now that I am finding myself stretched too thin trying to do it all. It's wearing me out.

I will be back in a few weeks once I am done with a major project. Until then, take care.


Side-note: This is just a thought that popped into my head. I mean it...just now. It's kind of scary for me to let this blog go "empty" for that amount of time. So the random thought is having you, my readers, take this time to contribute something of yours to the blog. Yes, that's what I want to do. I want to hear what you have to share. Your thoughts, ideas, feelings, stories, etc. Your poetry, writing, artwork and whatever else you feel like sharing. This blog isn't just for me...it's for my readers as well. So now it's time to let your voice be heard!

Please send what you have to share to my email: gracie_brighton@hotmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you!   

I am doing better...a lot better since my crisis back in June. I can't believe that was nearly 4 months ago. It's strange to think of that much time passing already. And I feel like I have improved a lot...though I realize there is still a lot that needs to be worked on. But I am acknowledging that I have made some progress.

I have opened up about some pretty rough stuff recently. I have gotten better at letting myself cry (though I could still use some work in that area). I feel better...like this dark filter is slowly being lifted from my vision...from my perspective of life and the world. I have been making it...juggling two jobs and photography, and I've been feeling ok about where I am at in life right now. I've accomplished some great things with my photography recently. I have been socializing more (I know, shocker!). I've really been trying to push myself beyond my comfort zone.

Despite all this progress, I am still struggling though. And it's realistic to expect that I would still be struggling. I still struggle with depression...with forming close, healthy relationships...with accepting how I feel, or letting myself feel...my body image (which I mentioned in a recent post).

But most of all I keep really struggling with loving myself...despite how far I have come. I mean really caring, accepting, and loving myself. Why is it so hard to love myself?

I'm posting this early because tomorrow is going to be a pretty hectic day...yep. So here is this week's song: "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot.



Song: This is Your Life
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Beautiful Letdown

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes


This is your life, are you who you wanna be?
This is your life, are you who you wanna be?
This is your life
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?


Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over


And this is your life, are you who you wanna be?
This is your life, are you who you wanna be?
This is your life
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?


Don't close your eyes (x5)


This is your life, are you who you wanna be?
This is your life, are you who you wanna be?

Today after I got off work I decided to go shopping. I needed pants and had a $10-off gift card that expired in a couple days, so I thought "What the heck."

Now, for the most part, I hate shopping. I don't find much joy in it. It is so tedious and takes so long...I blame that mostly on my awkward body shape. Speaking of body...that is what I want to talk about today.

As I mentioned, I was shopping today. I was only searching for pants, but I will admit I just had to try on a couple shirts (even though I did not budget for that). I don't understand completely why...but while I was going through the process of trying on clothes...I became really down. There I was in the dressing room, looking at myself in the mirror. I had been in transition between trying on an outfit and changing back into the clothes I was wearing.

...

...

...

I wasn't happy with what I saw. I didn't like the shape of my body...I didn't like the curves (or rather the lack of). And even though I realize I am underweight, I had the thought that I should thin up more...that my stomach wasn't flat enough. I felt awkward...just thinking: "Is that really what my body looks like?" I felt like I wasn't pleasant to look at...that I wasn't pretty...that I was...ugly.

I don't know, I kind of have never had a healthy relationship with my body. For the longest time I felt betrayed by it (I still do for the most part). It reacted in a way that I felt it shouldn't have when I was abused. It felt...good...and I hated that it did. That I continued to seek after that "good" feeling even after the abuse ended.

Also, while growing up, I was constantly bombarded by one of my abusers with images and expectations of what I was supposed to look like...what my body was supposed to look like. I had to be sexy...you know, have the long, toned body, nice curves, big breasts, white teeth, even skin tone, perfect hair...the works. I had to look nice, and I had to flaunt it...I rebelled against this a lot. But, still, it really added to the fact that I was over sexualized at a very young age. I learned that my body was meant to please others, and I had to do what I could to make it the most appealing. And it wasn't just my abuser giving me this message...the society I live in is constantly throwing it in my face every day. I'm constantly feeling pressure to be what the media portrays women to be: exciting, sexy, play toy, seductive, victim.

It disgusts me! I don't want that. But, on some level, I do want to feel attractive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to like my body for what it is, and not have this unhealthy and negative attitude towards it. It's just a trick figuring out what is beautiful because the world accepts it, and what is beautiful because I accept it. I also believe I am battling that constant feeling of failure for not being able to live up to the expectations and standards my abuser/the world has set for me. I don't know...this is a tough subject to discuss.

It scares me that I feel this way about my body...

I usually don't talk much about my spiritual/religious beliefs on here. I believe it is mostly because it can be a touchy subject for others...and even for me.

As some of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Even though there are times when I do doubt in my testimony, or in the Gospel, there is always a part of me that keeps believing in it. Really, it has been through Christ that I've been able to find just a glimpse of what healing is...and how it has already influenced my life.

Well, I didn't come on tonight to post about my testimony and spiritual beliefs. No, but I did come on here to share something that really touched me over the weekend...Saturday night, September 24th to be exact. It was during the General Relief Society Meeting. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Second Counselor in the First Presidency)...and what he had to say...well, let's just say I needed to hear it.

He began by talking about a forget-me-not flower, using it as a metaphor to base his remarks on. He talked about five things women should not forget. And I believe it is imporant that we not forget these things:

1. Forget not to be patient with yourself
2. Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice
3. Forget not that happiness surrounds you
4. Forget not the "why" of the gospel
5. Forget not that the Lord loves you

I would go into more detail, but I would probably butcher the message that President Uchtdorf so eloquently presented. Instead, I will share his message via link/embedding, and you can view it for yourselves. And I highly recommend watching it. Click here to watch it on the LDS Church website

I do want to say one last thing. When he spoke on Saturday, it was almost as if this message was just for me. That he was speaking just to me. Saying what I needed to hear...what I had forgotten myself and needed to be reminded of. I was reminded of things that I had been reminded of previously...yes...I tend to forget easily. But, thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who does not give up on me.

This was just something I was thinking about last night before going to bed. It has to do with how my own personal experiences have influenced my photography. I mentioned this very briefly in my last post about how what we experience in life (the good and the bad) can also serve as inspiration.

I look at my life experiences...the abuse I experienced and that I am still healing from, and it has had a large impact on my photography. Although what I experienced was horrible, and I often wonder what good can come from it. How could anything good and beautiful come from something so painful and terrifying...something so dark? How could I move on from it? How could I use how it impacted me to create something worthwhile...something amazing? How could I use it to help others?

When I do photography, I do it as much for others as I do myself. What I realize now is if I hadn't been through the abuse, I probably wouldn't have had the desire to capture images to help uplift others. To help aid in the healing of others. I'm not saying I am glad about what happened to me...I wish I never had to go through something so horrible...but I can see that with the right effort I can direct the energy towards something good.

So in a way, my abusive past is one of my main sources of inspiration. It may not fully inspire eveything about a picture I take, but it does give me the motivation and a reason for going out into the world to capture these images. It also inspires me to share them. For when I share my artwork, I am sharing a part of myself.

I am finally getting around to my photography and healing posts again. Sorry...life has been hectic lately...really hectic. I can honestly say that I haven't been slacking...not on purpose anyway (though some of you may think that). No, I really just have not had the time. I have been juggling two jobs (one of which is new), and add to that my photography...yep, I've had a full load.

Ha, that works as an excuse. I will just blame my lack of photography posts on the fact that I've actually been out there doing/working on photography. Yep, that sounds good to me.

Whew...now that I've got that off my chest, we are going to get to the real topic of today's post: Inspiration.

"I begin with an idea, and then it becomes something else."  ~Pablo Picasso (artist, ceramist, painter, printmaker, sculptor)

What is inspiration? To me, inspiration is the start of creativity. It is the spark that eventually ignites and flames into life. Inspiration is the start of an idea or concept. It is found at the beginning, whether you are writing poetry, painting, designing a building...whatever. Inspiration is always there. And it has no limits.

Anything can be used for inspiration. It can be found anywhere, at anytime. It's all around...the trick is, learning how to recognize it and be open to it. Inspiration requires being in touch with your senses, trusting them, and learning from them. It means really taking in what is going on around you, looking at the details...the smaller parts rather than just the big picture.

Inspiration comes from experience...and it can be good and bad experiences. Inspiration comes from experiencing life, interacting with what is going on around you, and taking in as much as you possibly can. Along with drawing from the outside environment, it is also helpful to look inside oneself. It's amazing how you find out how much you have to offer.

Now that I've rambled about my views on inspiration, I am going to talk briefly (hopefully it will be briefly) on inspiration for me. Where do I find inspiration? Really, almost anywhere. However, I do have some things that I turn to more than others for inspiration. As I mentioned before, the senses are a big part of inspiration. I tend to rely more on the visual and auditory senses when it comes to gaining inspiration for photography. Now, the visual is kind of a given because photography is primarily visual. But it's more than just seeing something and trying to recreate it. What inspires me most visually is color. I love seeing how colors interact with each other and the emotions it can evoke. Also, light and how it places itself. Light is pretty intriguing to me...I can't really explain why.

Next comes the auditory, or hearing. This is where music comes in. I find a lot of inspiration from music (mostly in writing), but it's pretty important in my photography as well. I also love being in nature and hearing the sound of the wind, or water flowing in a stream, or the booming of thunder in a lighting storm. Again, I am at a loss to explain the "how" it is inspiring to me. It really comes so naturally...it's really so second-nature that I am having a hard time breaking it down. Hmmm....

How do I "gather" inspiration? I keep a collection of sorts...a very disorganized collection at the moment. I will keep pictures that have effective lighting, or posters/brochures that have a cool color scheme. I will write down quotes or sayings...take pictures of "potential" photo sights. I go for walks or drives. I will visit people. I read articles about photography techniques, or watch online tutorials. I pay attention to the small and simple things. I take a break from life, even if just for ten minutes, just to relax and be in the present moment. I experiment and not be afraid to try something new.

Without inspiration, my photography would not exist...

So, this song of the week might throw you all for a loop. I usually don't listen to the harder rock stuff anymore, but I still really love this song and the message behind it. This one's for all you head-bangin' rockers out there. Okay, maybe it's not that quite a head-bangin' song...but it's pretty darn close. The song of the week is "Awake and Alive" by Skillet.



Song: Awake and Alive
Artist: Skillet
Album: Awake

I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

[CHORUS]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here (right here), right now (right now)
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

[CHORUS]

Waking up waking up [4x]
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you

[CHORUS]

Waking up waking up [4x]

Whenever I am feeling down, I often turn to this song to help lift me up. Whether I am being hard on myself, or was feeling hurt by someone else, this song can help...if I let it, that is. There are days when I would turn this song on and sing along to it. And I mean I would sing...really loud (but good...I think...I don't know if I'm a good singer). I would sing with all my heart...the whole eyes closed, really feeling the music singing. Yep, funny to picture, right? I must admit, I haven't done this too recently...and that's probably a good thing.

This week's song is "Beautiful Ending" by BarlowGirl.

p.s. sorry for the advertisement before the video...I had no choice.



Song: Beautiful Ending
Artist: BarlowGirl
Album: Another Journal Entry

Oh tragedy has taken so many
Love lost cause it all forgot who you were
And it scares me to think that I would choose
My life over You
Oh my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful

Oh why do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall
And the pride of my heart makes me forget
It's not me but you
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without you
You're dying for me

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by Your side
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all I wanna be in your arms [x4]

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by your side
Cause your love is beautiful
So beautiful

Dating is hard for me...really hard. I like it, and then I hate it. And then I can't seem to make up my mind about it.

I went on a date recently...a blind date. Gasp! I had sworn blind dates away a couple years ago because of quite a few bad experiences. And it seemed the dates got worse the more blind dates I went on. Yeah, I've got some interesting stories there.

Anyhoo, so I went out on this date. I was excited. I was nervous. I kept questioning my decision to have agreed to this date in the first place. And then the time came. My date showed up and we did dinner and a movie. And I had a great time! I was able to be myself (at least I think that was myself). I actually was able to carry out a conversation with him...though there were some awkward moments. We laughed, joked, talked about different things in our lives, asked questions. I guess your usual "first date talk."

Overall, I had a good time. I felt comfortable, for the most part. And he seems like a nice guy.

Enter curve ball.

I can't seem to figure out why I have such mixed up feelings about going out with him again. I can't tell if it's intuition or what that's telling me I shouldn't, or if it's fear. And add into the scene my insecurities with guys and relationships, and you get one big complicated and confusing mess. It looks like I have something else to keep my mind preoccupied for the next little while.

I will keep you all posted...maybe...

Ok, I am finally getting around to posting more about photography and healing. And I'm going to start with the technical aspect of photography. To be honest, not my favorite thing to focus on (so this will be short), but it is an absolutely essential part of photography. If you don't know the technical stuff, it is very hard (probably impossible) to get the kind of pictures you want. That is something I have come to learn during my photographic journey. I have come to realize that without learning all the technical stuff I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to when it came to creativity.

Now, I'm not going to give any sort of "lessons" on how to be a great photographer (I'll leave that to the professionals). And I definitely don't profess to know everything there is to know about photography...I am still learning as well. But I will list a few things that were a part of my learning experience.

Stuff I learned (whether I wanted to or not):

Camera functions: It is very important to know how your camera works, whether you are using a high-quality digital SLR camera, or a dinky little point-and-shoot. Know your camera. Know the different settings, what all the buttons do (or at least the ones you will be using a majority of the time). By learning more about your camera and how it works can be a great advantage. It was for me.

Exposure: This applies mostly to the SLR cameras, but it does somewhat apply to point-and-shoots as well. The exposure is pretty much essential to photography (understatement there). It's only through exposure that an image is captured. The exposure all depends on light and how much light is being allowed to reach the sensor in digital cameras or the film in traditional. There are three things that control exposure: shutter-speed, aperture, and ISO. Shutter-speed refers to how long the exposure time is. The aperture refers to the amount of light being let in. And the ISO refers to the sensitivity of the sensor/film to that light. I remember in my first photography class this was my least favorite part...because we had to memorize all the various shutter-speed times and aperture settings. Now, looking back, I see how much it makes life easier to have those memorized when you are taking pictures. It makes finding the exposure (and adjusting it to create a certain effect) much more easier.

Composition: How to compose your image so it creates the most effect. I could spend a whole post on this one...however I am trying not to go into lecture-mode here...though I think I am getting pretty close. The composition can make or break the photo. There are several ways to compose a photo: rule-of-thirds is one of the easiest, and probably the one I use most frequently (that I know of). You can try shooting from different perspectives, angles, etc. You can shoot from a distance, or do close-up. Honestly, when it comes to composing a photo I don't remember much of the rules I learned. I tend to rely more on intuition when it comes to composing a piece. Sometimes my intuition is on, and sometimes it is far off. For me, it takes a lot of experimenting.

Color: Color is very important in photography. All color evokes some kind of meaning, response, or emotion. Take red, for example. It is often associated with passion, anger, speed, etc. It's an intense color and tend to create a more intense response. A blue, on the other hand, tends to be a more calming color. It is often associated with peace, tranquility, etc. Photographers often use color as a means of communicating a certain message through photography. The absence of color also conveys a message. Because color can be a distracting element (especially if you don't have much control over it), it can be very beneficial to do a photo in black-and-white.

Practice, practice, practice: That's the best way to improve your skill in photography. You can read all the books you want, all the articles, watch as many tutorials as you can stand. But it actually requires you going out there, camera in hand, and taking pictures. I can say that I have (for the most part) had a camera attached to my hand a good chunk of my life. I was always taking pictures, of people, places, scenery, things. And I loved it! The more I took pictures, the better I became. My skill became more refined. My eye for what made a good photo became enhanced.

Along with practicing, I highly recommend experimenting. Try different ways of taking pictures. Different techniques, compostion, lighting, colors, etc. It's through experimenting that you can really increase your creativity.

Well, this did turn into somewhat of a lecture after all. Not as short as I expected it to be. Sorry folks. I could probably ramble about photography all day if given the chance.

Next post I will be talking more about creativity and ways I get inspired. Thanks for reading!

Fatigue...drowsiness...exhaustion. It seems like I feel these on a daily basis. And it doesn't seem to improve. It's really hard when I have no energy to do anything. It makes is so much harder to focus and concentrate. I have a harder time wanting to do anything but sleep. It's really difficult to enjoy life when all of it just seems to be tiring. It doesn't matter if I sleep for 4, 6, 8, or 10 hours...I still wake up completely drained and do not want to pull myself out of bed. In fact, it is often a battle to get myself out of bed still. Not because I don't want to face the day (though I still do have those days on occassion), but merely because I just want to keep sleeping. I want to get to a point where I feel rested. Where I actually have energy.

This is an AWESOME song! That's rights, all-caps. I could seriously listen to this song over and over and over and not get sick of it. The lyrics are really positive and uplifting, and it has a nice modern sound. I am betting most of you haven't heard of this band. They are called Building 429 performing this week's song "Listen to the Sound."



Song: Listen to the Sound
Artist: Building 429
Album: Listen to the Sound

Are you in over your head?
Are you in water so deep you're drowning?
Do you think you've been left,
And there is no one to feel your hurting?

Well everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up
Lift it up

[CHORUS]
Oh, listen to the sound of hope
That's rising up
Over your old horizon
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning of
This is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound

I hear you say you're alone
I hear you sayin' that you'll never make it
I've got to tell you you're wrong
'Cause I've been down this path you're taking

You'll never know what faith is
Till you don't understand
Sometimes it takes the silence
To finally hear His plan

[CHORUS]

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
I once was lost,
But now I'm found
[x2]

[CHORUS]

His grace is reaching for us
His grace is reaching out
Listen to the sound
Listen to the sound
Wherever you are
[x2]

I have been doing pretty well with nightmares lately, until last night. It was a pretty intense nightmare...and I have no idea what triggered it. It had to do with one of my abusers...and he was attacking me, coming after me with a knife. I remember the fear I felt, it was so real. That dream had me on the brink of tears.

I didn't know it was possible for me to feel this way again...

I was driving home from work (my new job, I might add). It was night time...I don't usually like driving at night because my nightvision can be somewhat questionable, but it was a good drive tonight...and not just because I could see fine.

I had a really interesting feeling come upon me while I was driving home. It was accompanied by the thought: "I'm going to be ok." It was kind of like this sense of calm came over me...and life felt good (even if it was just for that brief moment).

It has been a long time since I have felt anything like that...a very long time. And I am trying to hold onto that feeling...which I know will get difficult as time passes (and my doubting/questioning side tries to take over). But I want to remember it, hence I am writing it down. My life will be ok. I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am dealing...and trying to live. It doesn't mean that my stresses will lessen (they are still pretty major)...it doesn't mean my problems will go away. It doesn't mean my trials will be taken care of and my burdens lifted. I just feel like I can accept where I am in life right now and honestly say I am doing my best...and that makes all the difference. It means I am ok.

Hey all! I just wanted to let you know that the photography posts are still in the works. I do plan on writing a few more posts about photography and how it has helped me on my own healing journey. It's just taking a little longer than I thought to get them written out. Plus, life has been hectic/crazy these past couple of weeks. But don't fret, the photography posts are coming.

There I was, sitting in my room. Emotions were about ready to flood over the surface. I couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't. It hurts too much when I do. It hurts too much when I don't. Breathe in...breathe out.

I start thinking about my time in the hospital and all the feelings/memories I had pushed aside from that experience. It's hard to look back at that time. There is such a negative filter. I feel sick to my stomach, kind of like a knot has been tied in there...a very tight knot. I cringe as a wave of emotions starts to come up again. I try to brace myself...then I try to block the emotions...

Another thought...oh man...I promised myself I wouldn't stop the emotions when they came. I wouldn't fight them. I really don't want to feel it...any of it. It's too much. It's too draining. I bite my lip and I close my eyes...breathe in...breathe out. My eyes start to burn. A drop of water falls...it lands on my cheek. It runs down the side of my face, leaving a wet trail upon my skin. Another immediately follows. My chest feels tight...I gasp. And then a noise emanates from my throat...and I start to sob.

My eyes are wet with tears...paths of water have made several path down my face. I pull my knees up to my chest...wrap my arms around my legs...and hold myself...and I just cried...



I finally did it...I let myself cry. It was hard. It was scary (somewhat)...but I did it. And, I can't believe I am saying this, but I am glad that I did.

I just barely discovered this song! Heard it for the first time today. I don't know why, this song really clicked with me right now. Just with how I feel right now. This week's song is "Drifting" by Plumb.



Song: Drifting
Artist: Plumb featuring Dan Haseltine
Album: Drifting (single)

*I do not have the lyrics yet. This song was just released only 5 days ago, so I have yet to find the lyrics anywhere (with the exception of the ones in the actual music video, of course).

I'm writing this because it is what I have been thinking about since my drive home from counseling last night. I want...and possibly need...to be heard.

I often feel like I am forced into silence, about a lot of things. Like my voice doesn't matter. Like what I feel, experience, think or do doesn't matter.

Now, I am thinking of this lately in relation to the crisis I had two months ago. I look back, and I have never really talked about what happened the night I tried to commit suicide, or what I was experiencing after. Yes, when I was in the hospital, I told my "story" a couple dozen times, repeating the same facts such as how and when. But I was pretty vague with most of it. I even tried talking to my counselor about it the day I got discharged. But I think it was too soon. I was emotionally drained and had not had the time or the energy to process what I had just gone through. Needless to say, I kind of pushed it away after that, telling myself I needed to move on.

I have wondered lately whether I should take the time and energy now to talk about it. To actually stop pushing it away like it was no big deal. It was a BIG DEAL! To me, definitely. I have been debating whether I should talk more in detail about that experience, from what happened that night to what it was like in the hospital. I want to talk about the details...which is something I really haven't told anyone since I was discharged from the hospital. I have thought about doing a couple posts describing my hospital stay...that is still up for debate in my mind.

Realistically, I have to accept that it happened, no matter what...that is, if I want to move on from it. I can't deny it. I can't keep asking the "Why?" or "How?" questions. I do need to talk about it, accept it for what it is and then let go. I know I will have a hard time talking about it. I've shoved it away for a while now. It's like saying all that happened would make it more real...that I really reached that point. I couldn't accept that...and I still have a hard time accepting that it did happen. But I've been putting it off talking about it for too long now, and I can tell it is starting to inhibit me.

Hmm...this is looking kind of familiar. In fact, it is almost the exact same cycle I went and still continue to go through when it comes to talking about the abuse in my past. There are a lot of feelings of shame associated with abuse...and it's the victim who often feels a sense of shame, though she/he did nothing wrong. That shame grows in silence, in not talking about what happened. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how, by talking about abuse and the experiences the shame seems to lessen. It's like you are able to see what happened in a better light.

I wonder if the same concept will apply to talking about my crisis. I feel a lot of shame about it, about what happened. Just everything about it. I want to talk about it...everything, holding nothing back. I need to face it. I need to have it validated and not judged. I don't want to hide any part of it. I want it out there. I hope that in doing so the shame I feel will be lessened.

I know I need to let go of it and move forward. It's holding me back. But maybe talking about it, I mean really talking about it, could be the first (or even the last) step towards letting go.

I cried last night...it was only a few tears. I am so mad at myself...still. I just keep wondering how I could let myself fall that far. How? Why didn't I fight? So much bad has come from it...it's so hard to see the good.

It's hard for me to make decisions. It has been for a while now. From big things like what classes I should take at school, or what career should I try to pursue, to little things like what I should wear or what to eat for lunch.

Lately I've been faced with some pretty tough decisions, about whether to give up going to school for now (graphic design) and focus my energy on what I am truly passionate about: photography. The pros of going to school: I would learn more skills that would help in the job market; I would be doing something productive...not staying stagnant; It pushes me to do something new; It helps me to learn the technical skills needed to my creativity can be unhindered. The cons: I could be dedicating more time to graphic design when I'm not really sure that's what I want to go into; The financial...I won't share many details there; Also, if I pursue it this fall semester I will most likely lose the means to be able to continue in photography.

I've had people ask "What is your gut telling you? What is the Spirit telling you?" (Just a side-note, when I refer the the Spirit I am referring to the Holy Ghost. In the LDS Church we believe that Heavenly Father often speaks to us through the Holy Ghost, providing guidance, promptings, etc. to help direct and guide us, or to warn us). The answer is often "nothing." It's that or I just can't seem to recognize what feelings/impressions are there.

To be honest, I feel like I am so out of touch with both myself and the Holy Ghost that I don't have much of a definitive answer to follow. It makes me feel so powerless--It probably doesn't help that I am pretty sick as I am typing this right now, which makes that feeling even stronger than it really is--I don't like it. I feel like there is so much that I can't change in my life (for the better) because I've already made to many bad/unwise decisions, or I haven't made a decision in a timely manner.

I'm so afraid right now of choosing the wrong thing. Again, making a bad choice that will only hinder my progression. I know what I want to do...it's just can I do it? And is it the right thing?

I have another Fireflight song for you guys. I just love this song (then again, I love most of their songs). I decided to post the live version of this song, which is also the acoustic version. Such a good song! It's a brand new day, so what are you going to do about it?



Song: Brand New Day
Artist: Fireflight
Album: Unbreakable

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

[CHORUS]
And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

[CHORUS]

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart


And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day

[CHORUS x2]

It's been over two months since I have been discharged from the hospital. And, honestly, I still feel a lot of shame and guilt over having to go the hospital in the first place. And this is despite the best efforts of a few select people who have tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel that way.

What I have a hard time getting past is the fact that I chose to stop fighting, and that others had to step in to fight more me. They shouldn't have had to do that...but they did. They fought for my life because I refused to. I think that is why I feel such guilt, because I was so ready to throw away my life...because I didn't even care...but others did care.

I also blame myself for getting that low again. It is no one else's fault but my own. I didn't try to help myself. I stopped trying to do things to help me feel better. I just lost faith in it all. I just stopped wanting to live. I didn't see any point because life just felt too overwhelming. I've been in that low place before, and I have been able to pull myself out. Why didn't I do it this time? Why didn't I fight?

I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for that...


...Part of me still wonders if it was worth it...if I was worth it...

I apologize to all my readers (who are hopefully sound asleep as I am typing this)...This is a random, frustration post that may have no point to it whatsoever. It is late (or should I say very early) and I may not make any sense.

Yes, it is nearly 2 in the morning, and I am still wide awake. I mean really awake. I'm wired...definitely not relaxed...though I feel exhausted. I don't know why I am so awake...can't seem to figure out why. Yeah, this is not going to fit well with my "sleep schedule"...nope...it totally disrupts it. I'm definitely going to be paying for it tomorrow morning.

...I think I may try sleeping now...wish me luck!

How did my passion for photography come into existence? Hmmm...that's a good question to ask myself. I remember when I was young I had wanted a camera for Christmas (or was it my birthday).

I was young...maybe 10-ish...I'm not sure. Anyhoo, there was I was unwrapping a small box. And lo and behold there was a camera inside! I was ecstatic! My dream come true. Forget the other presents I had (clothes, socks, etc.) I had my beautiful new camera. Mind you it was just one of those $30 cameras (I think it was about that much). It was a traditional film camera, nothing fancy. Just point and shoot...you have a picture. I also got a few rolls of film with the camera. Let's just say, the film didn't even last 24 hours. That's right, I had used it all up. Apparently I was very eager to get my photographic skills into play.

My love for photography waned a little until I reached high school and got my first digital camera. All I can say is, my camera never left my hand. I was taking pictures like crazy! I do recall annoying some of my friends because I was constantly taking pictures of them...all of them candid. I never really gave any of them a chance to get "ready" for the shot. Candid was more fun (and you get some pretty embarrassing pics, too).

I also did yearbook in high school, which gave me a great excuse to take pictures of everyone. I really liked being on yearbook. At assemblies and student events I had front row access to the action (thank you press pass). It was also while on the yearbook staff that I really began to challenge myself in the shots I would get of people, experimenting with close-ups and different angles.

Then college started. I continued to take pictures, but my interest turned from people to scenery and nature. As part of my major I was required to take a photography class and an image editing class. I learned so much in those classes. It really helped me to improve in the technical aspect of photography, as well as the creative. I fell in love all over again. I was hooked. It was during this time that I actually began to see that I did have a talent in photography...so even after the classes were over I continued to push myself to learn more. I am still continuing on that learning journey, learning more tips about color, composition, lighting, etc. It's safe to say that photography is definitely a passion, and is not something I will be giving up anytime soon.

I LOVE photography...just love it! For me, photography has been a:

hobby
passion
talent
process of discovery
way to see beauty/good in the world
creative outlet
learning journey
addiction (a healthy addiction I might want to add)
a way of expressing myself
etc.

I can't tell you how much I love it because of those reasons. However, there is one thing that I have discovered that I really didn't realize before...well, I knew it before, but never really thought about it much. Photography has been a very important part of my healing. I mean a very important part.

It's hard for me to explain how it has affected my healing...I just know that it has.

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to focus a couple of posts on photography: how I got into it, what I love about photography, some photography tips (possibly), how I used it for my healing and how I hope to use it to help others in their healing. I hope that in being able to write more about it I can learn more about how it has impacted my healing journey. I also hope to inspire others to pursue talents/interests to promote their own healing.

Ah, I am sooo excited to write about this!!!


*Note: Maybe if I get brave enough I will share some of my photography.

This is completely random. I was watching Design Star the other day (actually a couple of weeks ago). What can I say...I'm addicted to design shows. In this episode the designers had to design their dream kitchen with certain characteristics. Anyhoo, that is besides the point. What I want to share from this episode is something one of the guest judges said.

This judge is one awesome gal who has a lot of spunk! She is an entrepreneur and loves to cook. The famous Paula Deen. Here is what she told one of the designers during that episode: "To try and fail is not the worst thing that can happen to you. The very worst thing that can happen is to never try at all."

Just some food for thought there (yes, pun intended).

This one is for all you hard-rockers out there...well, it's harder rock for me anyway. This is a great Christian band! Honestly, I could probably post all of their songs...oh wait...I already have posted one of their songs (see song of the week: for those who wait). This week's song is called "Unbreakable" by Fireflight. All I have to say is: GREAT SONG!



Song: Unbreakable
Artist: Fireflight
Album: Unbreakable

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

[CHORUS]
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

[CHORUS]

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

[CHORUS x2]

Well...I did have a "vomiting" moment last week. I had met with my counselor and told her what I thought I needed to do. She jumped right in when it came to encouraging me to go through with it...that night!

It was very hard. I didn't know how to start. I didn't know where to start. Or what to say. So I just picked a memory (out of a few that had been on my mind recenty) and talked about what I remembered. I kind of jumped around a bit, describing not only what happened, but how I felt as well...and how I feel now, as an adult looking back on it. I kind of get what I feel now mixed up with what I feel then at times...it's the whole distinction between the adult me and the child me.

It was painful to bring those memories to the surface, and to actually vocalize what had happened. It felt overwhelming at times. And there were times where I would get stuck, or I would stop because I did not want to say what happened next. My counselor handled those moments well...she would keep asking me "What happened next?" and tell me that I was doing a good job so far, but that I needed to keep going. She helped to make it feel safe.

This whole "vomiting" thing is not pleasant. Everytime I go through with there there is always tears. It brings up so much that even my body can't seem to handle it. I often begin to shake uncontrollably. That night I vomited there were tears and trembling. I felt sick to my stomach. When I was talking about specifics of what had happened to me, it was like I could feel it happening again. I could really feel it with my body. That was kind of scary. I remember I just wanted to curl up in a ball...now that I look back on it I think I did.

When it was all said and done I did my best to calm down. It took a while, but not as long as it has in the past. I was feeling so much at the end of the session. I was feeling drained, overwhelmed, and remnants of the fear, guilt, sadness, etc. that came with the memories. But I was also feeling a small sense of relief...that a little bit of pressure has been released.

Sadly, I might have to go through more of these "vomiting" experiences. Yes, I am still somewhat terrified of them...they are very uncomfortable. But they do help. It seems like the best way to get this poison out of my system.

I just had to post another song of the week. Just had to. I LOVE this song! It's message is very powerful...whether you are healing or not...but in a way, I think everyone is on a healing journey. Everyone is working to become whole. We all have a purpose...none of us are worthless, even though we may feel like that at times. We have so much to offer. We matter. It can be scary to put ourselves out there, to reach within ourselves and find out how much power we really have...and to realize how much potential we have within us. We can become so much. This song is a challenge to arise and be everything you were made to be. Okay, enough with that "deep," yet brief tangent. This song is just great. I love the wording...it's so poetic and uplifting. Here is the other song of the week: "Arise" by Flyleaf.



Song: Arise
Artist: Flyleaf
Album: Memento Mori

Tell the swine
We will make it out alive
There's a note in the pages of the book
So Sleep tonight,
We'll sleep dreamlessly this time
When we awake we'll know that everything's alright

And sing to me about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for,
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for,
There's still hope left in it yet

The snow on your face, and your razor blades
The twilight is bruised and there you lie

And sing to me, about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you
We'll cry tonight, but in the morning we are new
Stand in the sun, we'll dry your eyes

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for,
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for,
There's still hope left in it yet

And sing
Sing
Arise

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

Arise and be,
all the you dreamed, all that you dreamed

I heard this song on the radio a few days ago and I thought: "I just have to post this as one of the songs of week!" So here it is! This week's song is called "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North. It's a really good song about the healing that comes from the Atonement, and how it is available to all. I will let it speak for itself now.



Song: Healing Begins
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: The Light Meets the Dark

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside


So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now


[CHORUS]
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark


Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear


So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh


[CHORUS]


Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us


This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

I just had to share this. Last night I went nightmare free, for the first time in nearly a month. It feels nice to have one decent night's sleep. Though I do have to admit, I did have some pretty wacky dreams last night (i.e. gathering muffins, dancing, fancy party)...but heck, I will take those over nightmares any night!

That's right! This one is targeted towards you: my readers (however many that may be). I've decided to give you all the opportunity to voice what you want to see on this blog. I spend most of my time writing about what I want to write about (and it's my blog, so technically there is nothing wrong with that). But I also want to put on here what will be helpful to my readers. And I can't read your minds...heck I don't even know who half of you are. So here it is...your chance for your voice to be heard. What do you want to see on this blog? Is there anything you want me to write about? Feel free to post your ideas by leaving a comment. Or you can email your ideas to gracie_brighton@hotmail.com.

Thanks everyone!

I don't know where the thought came to do this (maybe it was coming from some of the other blogs I was reading that had lists). But, anyhoo, I had the feeling that I should come up with 10 reasons why I am happy to be alive. Here it goes.

I am happy to be alive because...

1. I love being able to help and uplift others because of what I have experienced.
2. I can express myself through art and photography.
3. Even though there are few, I have people in my life that I feel safe with.
4. I am worthy of love, and I am loved, even if I have a hard time believing it.

Just a side-note: I got stuck on number 5. I didn't think it would be this hard to come up with 10 things. Sheesh.

5. There are women in group and counseling that are there for me, and I can be there for them
6. I am moving forward, even if it's one baby step at a time
7. I am growing stronger each day I choose to keep going
8. There is good in this world, you just have to look for it
9. I still have choices to make
10. I have a whole life ahead of me that will be totally worth the fight

I know, not a very appealing title. Gives you a nice visual. But that's what I need to do. I have been thinking about it lately, and after talking to someone about it, I know that's what I need to do...again. I've had "vomiting" experiences before, but I didn't get out everything that I needed to.

Why do I use the term "vomiting." Well, it describes the process best. When you are sick to your stomach it doesn't feel good, at all. You just feel physically miserable. And then you throw-up (I know, again with the horrible visual). Throwing-up is no fun. It feels horrible, tastes nasty, and...well...it just isn't pleasant. But after you throw-up there is a relief that kind of settles in. Most of the pressure and sick feeling in your stomach is gone (until it builds up again, naturally)...but you feel "better." You feel a lot better than if you had kept it all in.

That's what I need to do continue to move forward. I need to "vomit" it all out. Get it out of my system so I can start healing again. And just like throwing-up, it is very uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good, it's very unpleasant...but I will feel better after it's over. I've been putting it off for quite some time now, because of the fear and because I know it is not a pleasant experience. It can be terrifying, in fact. But I know I need to do it, or else I'm going to continue to be stuck.

So wish me luck as I try to muster the courage to "vomit."

I can't sleep right now so I am taking a moment to write something for this blog. I'm going to write about something random.

I have been thinking...I haven't done any art since I got out of the hospital. None at all. I haven't drawn, colored, sketched, anything. I just haven't had any desire to do art at all. I have tried to sit down, pull out a piece of paper and colored pencils and just go at it. But nothing comes. I don't know what to draw. I don't know what colors to use. When I do art I try to express what I feel...and right now I don't know what I feel. Okay, I lied there somewhat. I do know somewhat how I feel. I feel exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel abandoned. I feel confused. I feel lost. I don't know how to express that, though. I can't seem to visualize it. Why can't I see it? It's kind of frustrating.

Sadly, my dreams have not gotten any better these past few nights. In fact, they have only gotten worse...more disturbing. I wonder where these images are coming from in my mind. They are just so...ugh...they make me feel sick. It's one thing to have them haunt me at night, but I find those images coming to my mind when I am awake. It's like they are so ingrained into my consciousness that they will never go away. I don't know what's going on right now. My dreams haven't been this bad in a long time. It's really taking it's toll on me. I feel so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm afraid to close my eyes because of the images that appear. It's really starting to scare me.

This song is something I needed to hear. I have been so afraid of moving lately. So afraid that I don't have what it takes to move forward. The lyrics of this song really resonated with me. "I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move...like to today never happened before." This song does a really good job of describing life, the resistance we all feel, and yet how important it is we keep on moving. This week's song is called "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot.

There are two versions of this song, both of which I am posting.





Song: Dare You to Move
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Learning to Breathe & Beautiful Letdown

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here, everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next? What happens next?

[CHORUS]
I dare you to move, I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move, I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here, the tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[CHORUS]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

[CHORUS]

Well, I was definitely highly emotional in my post entitled "lost."

I have been thinking lately...it's not just in counseling that I feel like I'm jumping through hoops...it's other people as well. (side note: I think counseling came up as my main frustration because I had just come there and was still feeling frustrated about it...now that I look at it, it is probably the place where I feel the least amount of pressure). It's other peoples' expectations of me and what they think I should be doing. I find myself doing things just to make them happy/satisfied. But oftentimes, it's just empty actions. No wonder I'm so confused with this whole thing...I've gone back into "people pleaser mode" (actually, I think I've never left). I've been devoting too much energy into what others think I should and should not being doing to get better. But really, I should focus on what I believe. I know more than anyone else what I am going through right now, even if I have a hard time communicating it. I may not always know or understand what I need, but I do know I need a lot more than I am getting right now. And I know there are things that I need to do, things that others may frown upon, but things I know will help me. In other words, I need to be more assertive when it comes to my healing (easier said that done, especially for me).

So here I go again. Wish me luck!

Sleep has not been coming to me easily these past few weeks. On average I've been sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night. And I can definitely feel it.

I know the partial reason for this, at least I think I do. I mentioned in a previous post about me experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks recently. These triggers and flashbacks keep me pretty tensed up. My mind and body take a long time to calm down because they think they are in a traumatic situation, so they act as though they are. And I believe that is one main cause for my lack of sleep. I am tired, exhausted, and ready to sleep, but my mind and body are so wound-up that it's nearly impossible for me to be relaxed enough to enter the realm of slumber (especially in a timely manner).

Now, I do sleep some. How do I know this...because of all the dreams I have been having lately. But these have not been good dreams. No, they have been disturbing, scary, gruesome...and just draining. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in tears from these dreams. I have felt violated, again! I have seen loved ones hurt or even killed in these dreams. I am often in situations where I am powerless and physically lost.

So in other words, when I do happen to sleep my mind is constantly being attcked by horrible images. That makes sleep not so appealing. Sleep is supposed to be something to help your body heal and recharge. I'm am definitely not getting that. In fact, it seems more that my hours in slumber are more damaging than they are healing.

I talked about this homework assignment in a previous post. My counselor changed it up a bit so it would seem less overwhelming. Instead of picturing myself as I want to be I need to pick one characteristic that I want to have. One came to my mind strongly while I was crying last night...I want to be able to love myself.

Things aren't going well. I feel so frustrated because I can't seem to communicate what is going on. Everything feels so confusing. I can't seem to figure out what's right. My session with my counselor didn't go too well. I was having a really hard time telling her what I was really struggling with. I tried to get it out, tried to figure out how to word it, all the while trying to hold back floods of emotion. I couldn't get it out, and needless to say, we were both frustrated. I was mad, at myself because I couldn't get out what I was feeling. I became so frustrated that I withdrew (not the best thing to do), but it felt completely hopeless. It's hard to communicate how I feel when I don't really understand it myself, or know what words to use to describe it. I left feeling like a failure. I walked out, kept myself put together until I walked out the door. Then I just started sobbing.

Everything is so confusing right now. I feel like I am being constantly bombarded with so many messages, and I can't figure out what's right. I keep having mixed emotions about everything. I try to do something to help myself or to help me cope better...and then I feel guilty about doing it. For focusing on myself and my needs. There are all these contradicting thoughts/ideas happening at the same time, and I can't seem to sort it out.

It's really frustrating. I've learned so much...from counseling, group, and even my time at the hospital. I have learned ways to cope and deal better with what I am facing on a daily basis. It sounds great. It makes sense, and seems like it would work...that it will help me. It feels like something I can do. Then I go out into the "real world" and try to apply what I've learned...and I get burned. I get thrown back at me "that's bullshit." It's bullshit that I am struggling right now, that I am having such a hard time after doing so well. "How could you let yourself get that low again?" I don't know how I got that low again.

In the hospital I learned a lot. I was excited about getting out and moving forward, using the skills I had learned. "Yeah, I can do this...and I am going to." The problem, it's just me...no one else can or won't. It sounds possible while I was in the hospital. I seriously thought that things would get better...that I wouldn't have to hide as much. That it would finally be taken seriously. But it's not. There's just denial...and I am forced to put on my happy face to satisfy others. It's almost automatic. It's been my lifestyle to pretend everything is ok when it isn't. It's selfish to say I am struggling. And right now I am really struggling. I need help right now and I feel like I can't ask for it. That it's wrong to ask for help. Or that it's pointless. Enter the confusion. I learned that I need to ask for help. I do my best to try to reach out and start building support, and then I get the guilt card played. "But it's a good thing I'm trying to do...it's ok to ask for help," I try to tell myself. "No, it's not. You are being selfish. Just suck it up and deal with it. Go and help others. You should have more faith." Then I feel guilty because I'm not feeling or doing what I "should" be doing/feeling.

It feels like everyone is looking down on me right now. Yes, I made a stupid mistake. I let my emotions get the best of me. And I'm trying to move on. Sorry I'm not moving as fast as you want me to. I'm doing all I can. I feel completely drained, worn-out. It's taking all I've got just to get myself out of bed in the morning. It takes a lot for me to get myself to do something to help me cope or feel better, like drawing or writing. I do those things, feel a little better, and then feel guilty because I should have devoted that time and energy to something more "productive."

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been losing faith in counseling. I feel like I am jumping through hoops and getting nowhere. I've become really hesitant to trust in counseling. What's real and what's not. I feel safe in counseling. I feel cared about. But those feelings only last for that hour-long session once a week. It doesn't extend beyond that. I can't find it beyond there. When I am in a session, I find it hard to communicate what my needs are because it almost seems pointless. It doesn't translate over into the "real world." One of the things that comes to mind, because it is something I have needed lately, is just to have someone there crying with me. Just to have someone understand how much hurt I am feeling and try to console me. My counselor is the only person I feel safe crying in front of, but it is so hard for me to ask: "Hey will you sit with me as I cry. At least it can be that one thing that I don't always have to do alone." I wonder if I should even seek what I need there when I can't seem to find it anywhere else. If it's just providing this false sense of hope. I just feel so lost right now.

Here is the song of the week. It is called "For Those Who Wait" by Fireflight. Enjoy!



Song: For Those Who Wait
Artist: Fireflight
Album: For Those Who Wait

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

[CHROUS]
So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

[CHORUS]

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

[CHORUS]

It's been over a month now since I was discharged from the hospital. I remember at group the other night one of the gals had asked me afterwards how I was doing. She asked if I feeling better...because I was looking better. I was honest with her and said that I look more put together than I really am. I still feel really overwhelmed and just drained by everything. Tasks that should be simple feel so hard to me. And I still feel really vulnerable to the suicidal thoughts that enter my mind on occasion.

I had met with my counselor last week, and she gave me a "homework assignment" to do three things to help me hang in there. One of those three things was to do a visualization where I picture myself as I want to be. I visualize my "perfect" self...me acting, feeling, doing, saying things that I want to. Now, it's impossible to be perfect, but I see the reasoning behind this and trying to move forward and progress.

To be honest...that is so hard for me. In fact, it was harder than I thought. Every time I try to do this, I try to see myself doing the things I want to do, having the experiences that I want to have...it doesn't last. I hate to say this, but I still see myself eventually giving up...no matter what happens. I still see me giving in. I don't see myself improving...I don't see myself in the future. At job interviews, or even random questions from friends they ask: "Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?" The truth is, I don't.

I don't see myself making a difference in people's lives...I don't see myself helping anyone. I don't see myself getting a business up and running. I don't see myself loving someone, and someone loving me enough to want to spend eternity with me. I don't see myself getting married and having a family. I don't see me raising my kids, taking them to dance or soccer games. I don't see myself growing spiritually, or my testimony being strong enough to uphold me through times of trial. I look at other families, read stories about others on their blogs. I see them having a life...living life with people who love them, and who they love. I wonder if that is even possible for me.

I don't see myself at all in the future...like I'm not there...like there is no future for me. It's really hard right now. Things haven't gotten any easier. Here I am at this point, maybe a few steps away from the rock bottom I was at. I'm not where I want to be...not even close. The problem is, I don't know how to go from where I am now, to where I want to be. Sometimes I wonder if I fell too far. Every day, it's just me surviving...just hanging in there. I feel like I am barely surviving most days...is it even possible to thrive when it's all I can do just to survive?

For some reason, this past week has been kind of tough as far as triggers go. For those of you who don't know, "triggers" are certain situations, feelings, percpetions, sensations, etc. that remind me of any of the abusive experiences I had as a child. They can often lead to flashbacks for some people...they do for me. This past week, I have been feeling on edge a lot. And I have had triggers going off like crazy. A certain smell, sight, sound...and I start to go into kind of a panic. And then there are times when I have a flashback.

Flashbacks are kind of a "reliving the experience" type of thing. In the present moment you are safe, nothing is happening. But then you hear a certain sound, or someone touches you in a certain way and it feels like you are transported back to that time when you were not safe. So what do you do? You act like you would in an unsafe situation. Your body goes into the fight or flight mode (or the freeze mode). Your heart races as your body tries to get more blood pumping through your body, preparing it to either fight back or escape. Your mind starts racing. You feel like you are going crazy. Memories start flashing through your mind almost automatically, making the flashback all the more real. You feel scared, vulnerable...

A lot of times that is what it feels like to me when I experience a flashback. Sometimes I can pull myself through it. I can remind myself of where I am at and that what I am experiencing at that moment is not all real (hopefully this is making some sense...it's quite hard to explain). I try to remind myself that I am safe...I try to calm myself down...by deep breathing, counting backwards from ten, or doing something that engages me in the present moment. It's hard when I experience a flashback because it feels like I am being victimized again. It feels like I am that vulnerable little girl again.

As I said before, this week has been full of triggers. Some I have been able to identify, others I haven't. Some that I experienced this week: the smell of alcohol in someone's breath; cigarette smoke; someone grabbing me from behind; someone touching my shoulder; someone grabbing my arm; looking at a lake full of cold water; driving past a familiar campground; certain songs on the radio; seeing someone start rubbing someone else's back; loud noises; stomping of feet on the floor...I think I am going to end it there for now. It's late and I need to sleep.

I can't believe it has been that long since I was discharged from the hospital. I can't believe how much time has passed already. It feel weird...it feels like it was so long ago, but at the same time it feels like I was just there yesterday.

I wish I could say I am doing great...that I am fine and enjoying life. And I am, on some days, but more days that not I am still fighting this ugly battle with depression. I am working on it...I am learning ways to deal with it (in a more healthy way). In fact, there was a night when I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean I was curled up in a ball just sobbing and shaking. I was really hurting because of something I had no control of. Then I did something that I don't usually do: I reached out for help. I sent a text to a member of a group I am currently attending. I told her I needed help calming down, and she gave me some suggestions. I did not do anything she suggested, but I did something I had suggested to myself: a puzzle. So shakily, I got out a 1000-piece puzzle and got to work. And I was surprised at how much it helped. I had to really focus on that puzzle, so it got me to take my mind off what had bothered me so much, as well as the unhealthy coping mechanisms I would have normally turned to (like cutting).

Long story short...I made it through that night. And I am still making it. It's really hard some days. I've been beating myself up a lot because of what I almost did. But each day I am choosing to keep going, even if it's just barely surviving. Moment by moment. Minute by minute if that's all I can handle.

And now it's time for the song of the week! This week's song is "All Around Me" by the band Flyleaf. I love this band, which I am sure I have mentioned in a previous post. Their songs are amazing and most of the time talk about overcoming the hard stuff in life...even when you feel like you are broken. I love the music video for this song...it's simple but a really interesting concept (and possibly something I would want to try...heck, I will put it on the bucket list). Enjoy!



Song: All Around Me
Artist: Flyleaf
Album: Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

[CHORUS]
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive
I'm alive

[CHORUS]

So I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed